IMAO: Know Thy Enemy: Passover

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April 11, 2006

Know Thy Enemy: Passover

Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:55 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (22)

Unlike "normal" holidays, Passover sneaks around the calendar and then shows up to distract us from our all-important Easter shopping. This obviously presents a threat to American society and our economy. Thus, I sent my crack research team to find out all they could about Passover.

The terms "Passover" and "Pesach" are used interchangeably to allow recording artists ample opportunity to find words that rhyme with the holiday.
One should not confuse the 15th day of Nissan in the Jewish calendar with the 15th day of owning a Nissan, when the customer usually brings the car back for its first of many "unexpected" repairs.
Of all the Plagues, historians consider "Frogs" to be more of a nuisance than a Plague. Unless "Frogs" is a mis-translation, of course, and it actually refers to a plague of Frenchmen. That would be worse than all other plagues combined.
Jews are not allowed to eat, own, or lease with an option to buy unleavened bread during this time. This results in a glut in the secondhand leavened bread market, putting thousands of bakers out of work.
Have you seen how cheap croutons are these days? Wow!
According to the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, the blood of Christian children is used in the making of matzoh, or the unleavened bread used in Passover rituals. However, like many best-sellers on the New York Times list written by their own columnists, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion just happens to be full of crap.
(If your children go missing, ask the Baron Von Bombast of Vulgaria where they went.)
During the Passover ceremony, Jews read from a book called the Haggadah, which contains the texts for the seder as well as the things you should shout out while sitting on the toilet for hours, blocked up from eating too much matzoh.
Looking for a Seder? Try the International Seder Directory. Or, if you're in a hurry, your grocer's freezer section for a Swansons Microwaveable Seder. (They tend to keep them hidden to avoid angering Muslims, so insist that you're not a Muslim and that you want one.)
The name of The Almighty is often written as G-d or L-rd because it costs extra to buy a vowel from Vanna, and Jews are notoriously cheap.
Matisyahu rocks, man.
Jews make lousy slaves. Nobody trusts an enslaved plastic surgeon. What kind of idiot says "Here, slave, have a sharp object and then cut me up while I'm unconscious."
Okay, besides Joan Rivers.
The phrase "Why is this night different from other nights?" refers to the extended stay of Jews in Miami Beach, where every night 78 degrees and has a 10 percent chance of precipitation.
In a fight between Moses and Aquaman, Moses would win. Because Moses would turn the rivers to blood, rendering Aquaman without water and powerless.
Then he'd smite him with his staff.
The ceremony starts with the Kaddesh, or the ritual blessing and drinking of wine. Repeat as often as necessary until you're sufficiently blessed out of your mind.
The rest of the ceremony should be a blur. Blessings breakings, vegetables, bitter herbs - who needs it? You're just going to stop by Wendy's on the way home, anyway. If you recover any amount of lucidity, you didn't Kaddesh yourself enough. (Tip: bring a flask)
Jews will hide the last piece of matzoh and call it the "afikomen" which translates to "It's either this or let it go stale while taking up a lot of room in the pantry. It tasted so bad fresh, can you imagine how awful it will be stale?" The kids are then sent out of the room to go find the afikomen while the parents argue over who's paying the bill.
The blessing "Next year in Jerusalem." is obviously a Zionist plot to take over the world. Especially when you consider that Jews already in Jerusalem use the blessing "Okay, we're in Jerusalem. Nice. How about next year we take over the entire world?"

So have a safe Passover, and watch out for Kaddeshed drivers.

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22 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: Passover"

I just love Baron Von Bombast, or, Teddy Bear as we refer to him, my little choochie face.

#1 - Posted by: Ron Rockstar on April 11, 2006 12:08 PM

Now you've done it... radical militant jooooooos will start blowing themselves up all over the place... or is that the other ones? i get religious types confused...

#2 - Posted by: Steve on April 11, 2006 12:24 PM

I dunno...but somewhere along the lines radical catholics will get drunk in Ireland

#3 - Posted by: ChaldoZach on April 11, 2006 12:50 PM

Another thing to remember on Passover is not to get into fights with all those Jewish Democrats you're forced to have dinner with. When they find out there's a Republican at the table, you can get hit with a lamb shank, which hurts.

#4 - Posted by: eric90230 on April 11, 2006 01:28 PM

Oh ... hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!

Thanks for a lovely laugh.

#5 - Posted by: Rahel on April 11, 2006 01:32 PM

Shanks a lot for this timely post.

#6 - Posted by: Elisson on April 11, 2006 02:13 PM

I'm confused, and I'd appreciate a little help from the IMAO gang here. Santa Claus represents Christmas, the Easter Bunny represents Easter, Baby New Year represents the beginning of a new calendar year (at least in the twisted world of Claymation) but I can't remember which affable character represents Passover.

#7 - Posted by: Son of Bob on April 11, 2006 03:23 PM

Son of Bob, I think Moses is the Passover mascot.

Laurence, that was an awesome post.

#8 - Posted by: Adam (VRWC Member) on April 11, 2006 03:40 PM

Or wait, maybe a burning bush (not the president).

#9 - Posted by: Adam (VRWC Member) on April 11, 2006 03:42 PM

Moby represents Passover.

Don't ask me why. I think he's a dick.

#10 - Posted by: Laurence Simon on April 11, 2006 03:52 PM

the L-rd will smite me for it but I can't stop laughing at this post.
mazel tov Laurence! May you and yours have a good Passover. I bid the folks at IMAO peace love and understanding
all the best
martin "ceann rua" corbett

#11 - Posted by: ceann rua on April 11, 2006 05:34 PM

You forgot this part of the ritual:

Q: Why do we eat the bitter herbs?

A: Because our breaths smell like a diseased yak and bitter herbs kill 85% of the germs that cause bad breath!

#12 - Posted by: K T Cat on April 11, 2006 05:39 PM

//The ceremony starts with the Kaddesh, or the ritual blessing and drinking of wine. Repeat as often as necessary until you're sufficiently blessed out of your mind.//

WOW!! Now that's a blessing even hobos can get behind. LOL!! Cool funny post Lair! I hope you never get smite-ed.

#13 - Posted by: shimauma on April 11, 2006 08:01 PM

Funny Post!

But I'm looking at the book of Genesis right now, and I'm pretty sure that they're required to eat unleavened bread, not forbidden from it...

And I think the mascots is the Angel of Death that kills all Egyptian males.
Make sure you put that blood on your door posts!

#14 - Posted by: GT on April 11, 2006 09:03 PM

Blessed Paschal!

#15 - Posted by: on April 11, 2006 11:27 PM

Great post, Lair! Actually, although I live in Jerusalem, I usually go to my relatives' seder in Ramat Gan. It's not actually my favorite place to be, so when I say "shana haba'a b'yerushalayim" I really mean it! (And this year, I'm attending a seder in Jerusalem - yay!)

#16 - Posted by: Leah on April 12, 2006 05:15 AM

#17 - Posted by: Leah on April 12, 2006 05:16 AM

Have a great Pesach Lair!

And, I had to buy a frozen lamb shank dinner at Costco, and eat it last week to get a seder bone. Back in NJ every grocery store kept free seder bones in the meat dept. Now that I'm in Texas ... well, I don't want to describe the looks I get when I ask.

You should have seen the guy at the deli counter at Walmart when I asked if they carry Proscuitto. He looked at me like I had a foot growing out of my head.

#18 - Posted by: Undercover Hippie on April 12, 2006 08:32 AM

I feel for Undercover Hippie and his/her lamb shank woes. I've had to do the same thing in Utah, and they looked at me funny too when I asked for lamb shanks. Thank goodness I made friends with a lamb farmer!

Funny Passover story: I brought my then-fiance (now hubby) to my aunt's Seder for the first time. Somebody told him that when they pass the horseradish (bitter herbs) around, he should get a big piece, so he did. The look on his face when he bit into it was priceless. Since then, we've tried to do that to all the future son-in-laws who are attending Seder for the first time. It's sort of a hazing thing.

#19 - Posted by: Wacky Hermit on April 12, 2006 12:06 PM

That whole part of the seder is lost on me. I know we're supposed to cry bitter tears and all, but I just love horseradish. It doesn't make me want to cry, it makes me want to go back for seconds.

#20 - Posted by: Undercover Hippie on April 12, 2006 01:05 PM

Being Jewish in Utah... That presents an interesting situation. The Mormons apparantly used to refer to non-believers as gentiles, as did the Jews, so where exactly does that leave Wacky Hermit? If I, a goyim, were caught between the two in Utah, would I spontaneously combust? BTW, Matisyahu DOES rock! I wish they would tour here.

#21 - Posted by: AlanABQ on April 13, 2006 02:37 PM

I'm not Jewish, but I'd do the Seder for the Lamb and HorseRadish. Change the meal to Prime Rib and you'd have a lot of Converts. Great post Senor Simon.

#22 - Posted by: DesertElephant on April 18, 2006 02:31 PM