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May 01, 2006
Chicken Hawk and the 101st Fighting Keyboardists FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 01:32 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (28)

Q. What's a chicken hawk? Is it like some sort of half-hawk, half-chicken?
A. Actually, it's a hawk that eats chicken. And rats.

Q. Cool! What's its wingspan?
A. 28-30 in. (male); 31-34 in. (female)

Q. The female is bigger.
A. Well don't tell her that, or she'll think you're implying she's fat and will peck your eyes out.

Q. So why do supporters of the war get called "chicken hawks" like its an insult?
A. Well, the short answer is some people are morons.

Q. What's the long answer?
A. Back when man first started to learn to use tools, certain spears were made using...

Q. What's the medium-length answer?
A. Many liberals, in their diminished mental capacities, like to have a word or phrase to shout over and over in lieu of the mental preparedness needed for an actual debate of issues. Fighting tyranny is a complicated issue, and, rather than admit they’re on the side of tyranny, many liberals will try to avoid debate altogether in any way possible.

Q. Liberals seem to use the phrase "chicken hawk" against people who aren't in the military? Do liberals want a government where decisions are only made by those in the military?
A. No, they hate the military.

Q. But they say they support the troops!
A. And you can train a parrot to say the same thing. That doesn't mean anything.

Q. So what would happen if someone in the military tried to debate them on the issues?
A. First, the liberal would try to find some way of discounting the military service so that the person is still, in their bloodshot eyes, a "chicken hawk" by their understanding. If unsuccessful, they will then find some other phrase to shout over and over, such as "baby-killer," "you only joined the military because you were too and dumb and too poor for anything else," or "you may have been in Iraq, but you still don't know what you're talking about because you don't read twenty newspapers a day."

Q. Who reads newspapers anymore? They're gay.
A. You know that and I know that, but, as usual, liberals are behind the times.

Q. It doesn't sound like there is any point in trying to debate anti-war liberals.
A. There really isn't. The best idea is to carry a water bottle with you, and, when a liberal start shouting a repetitive phrase at you, spray him in the face. If timed properly, the liberal will associate annoying phrases with getting sprayed in the face with water and thus stop his bad behavior. This will take patience, as liberals are harder to train than dogs since they lack a natural sense of loyalty.

Q. In a documentary about prehistoric times, I learned about something called a "record player." Apparently, sometimes a record player would "skip" and cause the same thing to be repeated over and over. The solution was to strike the record player really hard. Would this work against liberals?
A. I've recently been accused of "hostile" humor, so I'm not going to answer that other than to say, "Follow your heart."

Q. Shouldn't one who thinks we should be in war then join to fight in that war?
A. That seems like a retarded argument. You can be for putting out fires without being a fireman and be for arresting criminals without being a cop. The only ones who seem to be making the "if you support the war, you have to join the military" are liberals who hate the military. No one in the military I've known has made that argument. In fact, many have told me I should never even touch a gun.

Q. But you own plenty of guns.
A. This is America; the military can't tell us civilians what to do. Only I tell me what to do... and my wife.

Mainly my wife.

Q. So what are the 101st Fighting Keyboardists?
A. They are a group of bloggers out to fight the war on the media front.

Q. Why would the media front be important?
A. Unfortunately, as hard as our military men and women fight, they can still lose by the American public turning against the conflict and convincing whiny politicians into pulling everyone out. That's because we've still yet to learn the main lesson of the Vietnam War.

Q. Which is?
A. Don't lose wars. Otherwise, people - especially the enemy - will declare any conflict "just like that other war America lost" and be certain America will pull out if enough pressure is put on the American people. This means much more fighting is needed to convince the enemy we are serious.

Q. But can bloggers really help?
A. Sure we can! We've forced the media to look into issues they've wanted to ignore in the past. In this conflict, the media tends to focus on the negative, much to the frustration of our troops who have been over there and seen what it's really like. By highlighting the good on our blogs and giving the military general support, we can shame the media into giving fuller coverage of the entire conflict... as long as some girl doesn't go missing in Aruba.

Q. But I thought the liberal-media had no shame?
A. Well, you got me there.

Q. So why use the chicken hawk as the symbol for the 101st Fighting Keyboardists?
A. Because the chicken hawk kills and devours chickens and rats, and the anti-war crowd is really just a bunch of chickens and rats whom we must kill and devour. I mean that symbolically, of course, as no cannibalism will be involved.

Q. I'm active duty in the military. Can I still be a member of the 101st Fighting Keyboardists?
A. Sure. As long as you can find time to report on what you're doing, then you're helping in the media war.

Q. Writing sounds hard. I just want to join the military and kill terrorists.
A. You sound as lazy as my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine. Fine, just kill terrorists, but remember that, if we can't win the war in the media, you may be pulled out of there and not be able to kill terrorists anymore. And that would be a sorry thing.

Q. What happened to the 1st through 100th Fighting Keyboardists?
A. Saudi cyber-jihadists got them.

Q. This sounds scary.
A. It is! But we must persevere.

Q. I don't like that gringo Bush because of his lax stance on illegal immigration and his spending. Can I still be a part of the 101st Fighting Keyboardists?
A. All you have to do is support the war... which does usually mean supporting the President in war issues. In foreign affairs, the President becomes a symbol of America.

Q. Is that why the liberals hate Bush so much?
A. It's complicated. They are angry and need to hate something, so they project all they think is wrong onto Bush because it’s easier to direct one's hatred at a person than an issue. They also like to pretend that anyone who supports the war must be mindlessly following Bush on everything because that keeps everything in line with their skewed world view.

Q. It's kinda like when anything goes wrong, small minds just blame the Jews.
A. Exactly. Jews are fun to blame.

Q. Do the liberals want American troops to fail?
A. Pretty much. You can feel their barely restrained glee as the troop death toll goes to a number the find significant - usually a round number. They then use the death of our brave fighting men and women against the very things they fought and died for.

Q. They sound like ghouls.
A. Only if you go by the strict definition of what's a ghoul.

Q. So are they against America?
A. Well, let's look at the slogan of a group that says it believes you have to join the war if you are for it: Operation Yellow Elephant.

It's their war. Why aren't they fighting it?

As you see, they don't consider the current war on terror and the fight of American troops to be their concern. It's the war of "other people."

But don't question their patriotism.

Q. Why not?
A. I was being sarcastic. Go ahead and question it.

Q. How can you question what is not there?
A. I don't have time to be philosophical.

Q. Okay! I'm in! I want to be a part of the 101st Fighting Keyboardist and help kill and devour the chickens out there! How do I sign up?
A. Captain Ed has the details. You can use the banner designed by Chief of Freedom Dogs, and I have a smaller version on my left sidebar.

Now keep your keyboard clean and battle ready.

Rating: 2.4/5 (82 votes cast)

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