President Bush read the jokes off the teleprompter and enjoyed the laughter from the audience at the White House Correspondence Dinner, but the strange echo he kept hearing was starting to disturb him. The echo wasn't even correctly repeating what he was saying. Bush then turned to see another man was there who looked and sounded just like him.

"Aieeee! A pod person!" Bush shouted as he pulled out a shotgun.

Laura ran over and grabbed Bush. "That's Steve Bridges and he's part of the act." Laura looked to the audience. "That's my wacky husband!"

Everyone laughed, and Laura led Bush back to his seat while Stephen Colbert walked to the podium.

"This guy is funny!" Bush told Laura, "I saw him on TV, and I laughed really hard at all the jokes I understood."

Stephen Colbert cleared his throat and started his routine. "President Bush is an evil man. He supports torture. No one likes him. He has broken many laws." Colbert was quiet for a few seconds. "That was the punch line."

Someone coughed.

"This isn't funny!" Bush whispered to Laura. "Something is wrong with him! Maybe he'll be funnier if I throw a shoe at him."

"He has gotten us into a war where many have died," Colbert continued. "He is not smart, and--" A shoe hit Colbert in the head. "Ow!"

"Ha! That was funny!" Bush shouted. He then thought for a moment. "Can someone hand me back my shoe?"

* * * *

Bush poured himself a cup of coffee. "That stupid dinner had me up past my bedtime. Why can't I delay running the country until later?" He then saw Tony Snow in the hallway. "Wow! I know you from FOX News! What are you doing here?"

"Um... you hired me as your new press secretary, remember?"

"Yeah, we needed to replace tubby. No why we needed to replace him?"

"Because he was..." Tony shrugged his shoulders. "...tubby?"

"That's right! You're a quick one, Snowman."

Tony took out a newspaper. "Anyway, I thought you might want to see this. In reaction to Stephen Colbert's performance, a number of left-wing nuts have erected shrines in his honor and formed religions around him."

Bush furrowed his brow. "They thought he was funny?"

"They don't go as far to say that, but they think he was daring to speak the truth or some crap."

"But he wasn't funny!" Bush exclaimed. "Don't these moonbats understand funny?"

"Studies show they are quite humorless."

"The only funny part was when I hit him with my shoe," Bush said. He then laughed. "Man, that was funny. He was all like, 'Ow! Where did that shoe come from?' Did you see that, Snowman?"

Tony chuckled. "Yes, that was funny. It was also funny when he picked up your shoe and ran off and then you started cursing at him."

Bush looked down to see one of his feet was shoeless. "He still has my shoe! That unfunny shoe-stealer!" Bush grabbed a shotgun that was leaning against a table. "I'm getting my shoe back!"

"You sure keep a lot of shotguns around."

"That's because I'm a smart president! Now, come on; time to get your hands dirty, Snowman!" Bush began to awkwardly march off, but Condoleezza Rice stopped him.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to go get my shoe back from that unfunny Stephen Colbert!" Bush shouted. "We'll see who is funny when I murder him dead!"

"But Iran has threatened that, if anyone attacks Stephen Colbert, they will retaliate against Israel!" Condi exclaimed.

"So?" Bush answered. "It's not like I have a summer home there."

"Yes, but if Israel is attacked, they vow to retaliate against Saudi Arabia. And, if Saudi Arabia is attacked, the vow to retaliate against..." Condi took out a long sheet of paper. "Well, to cut to the chase, eventually someone will retaliate against Namibia, who vows to attack us."

"Oh no! We'll all die!" Bush exclaimed. "I can't believe that Iran is directly indirectly threatening us like that, but I can't just walk around with one shoe! The international community will never respect me!"

"We could just go buy some new shoes," Tony suggested.

"Maybe you come from a world where you can just go to some magical store and get shoes," Bush said, "but, here in the world of politics, if a comedian steals your shoe, you have to get it back using a shotgun or you shall remain shoeless forever!"

"Haven't you ever wondered why, to this day, Jimmy Carter walks around shoeless?" Condi asked Tony.

"I guess there's a lot to politics I still have to learn."

"There's a lot about everything I have to learn," Bush said. He looked to Condi. "Put out the announcement that, if America is attacked, we will retaliate against Iran!"

* * * *

The crazy Iranian president ran to the crazy Iranian mullahs. "America threatens to destroy us if attacked!"

The crazy Iranian mullahs looked over a long sheet of paper. "That means if we attack Israel in retaliation for an attack on Stephen Colbert, we will surely die... eventually. Tell Colbert we will no longer defend him."

The crazy Iranian president picked up the phone and dialed Stephen Colbert. "We will no longer retaliate against Israel if you are attacked."

"You will no longer what? …And who is this?"

* * * *

Bush stood outside the Comedy Central studios and chambered a round into his shotgun. "It's time to get my shoe back, Snowman!"

A number of hooded figures approached Bush and Tony. "We are of the Church of Colbert, the one who brings truth to power, and we will die in defense of him."

"Okay." Bush fired his shotgun and killed all the liberals.

"Do you feel any remorse for that?" Tony asked.

Bush chambered another round. "It should be pretty obvious at this point in my presidency that I don't feel any remorse for anything."

* * * *

The doorbell rang at the White House. Laura put down her duster to answer it.

"Hi," said a man standing at the doorstep holding a box. "We had a number of items left in Lost & Found after the White House Correspondence Dinner. One's a shoe that we think might belong to President Bush."

Laura picked up the shoe. "Yes, he was looking for this."

"We also have four shotguns."

Laura rolled her eyes. "Yeah, he really needs those."

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Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Best of IMAO 2006
~In My World
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