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May 10, 2006
In My World: The Least Hated
[UPDATE: Now with spooky ending!] A horn honked outside the White House. "Hey! Bush!" President Bush stuck his head out the window. "What?" "I hate you!" The man sped off down the street. Bush collapsed in his office chair. "Aww... everyone hates me." "Why are you talking to me?" Condoleezza Rice asked. "I don't like you!" She left the Oval Office. The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "I have good news." "It better not be about how you saved money on car insurance because mine just went up since my insurer hate me." "No. The news I bring is about the popularity of Congress. It is at an all time low." Rove handed a sheet of polling data to Bush. "Wow! Despite polling the low thirties, I'm the most popular politician in Washington!" Bush turned to Rove. "I guess the American people just hate all politicians now. Maybe it's time for some bi-partisan action." "Muh ha ha ha!" Rove disappeared back into the shadows. Bush chuckled. "Rover sure is a jovial fella. Anyway, it's time to make America love politicians." * * * * "Nothing says love like a carnival!" Bush exclaimed. "And, with a carnival run by politicians, people will love us again." Cheney just grumbled. "You have to have a better spirit than that," Bush said. "And I thought I told you to not bring a shotgun; people are going to be afraid that you're gonna shoot 'em in the face." Cheney rubbed his shotgun. "Maybe they should be afraid." Bush turned to check on the Democrats. Nancy Pelosi's skin was stretched back so that her teeth were bared. The site made Bush recoil in horror, and nearby children screamed and ran away. "What are you doing?" Bush demanded. "I'm smiling," Pelosi answered. "Then don't ever smile again. We're trying to make people like us, not give them nightmares. Don't make me regret including you Democrats." Bush looked to Harry Reid. "So how are things going with you, Dingy Harry?" "I keep trying to make the kids balloon animals, but they kick me in the groin." "Yeah, kids will do that... to you." "There are those stupid politicians!" a man shouted. A crowd then headed over to Bush, Cheney, Pelosi, and Reid. "What are you going to do about illegal immigration?" one woman demanded. "I'll tell you what I won't do," Bush said, "Amnesty. I may do something that seems like amnesty and goes along with any standard definition of amnesty and everyone will call it amnesty... but it's not amnesty because we have a different name for it." "The most important thing about Mexican immigrants," Reid stated, "is getting them registered to vote." "And we have to make sure ballots are in Spanish," Pelosi added. Cheney waved his shotgun around. "I shoot Mexicans in the face!" "This man has a plan," the woman said, pointing to Cheney. "I like him better but hate you three goobers." "So what are you politicians going to do about trial lawyers bankrupting everyone?" one man asked. "You shouldn't be angry at trial lawyers," Reid said. "They sue everyone to make a better America. And, no one is more charitable than them." "That's true," Bush stated. "They sure give the Democrats a lot of money, and you couldn't find a bigger group of pathetic losers in need of charity than the Democrats." "I shot a trial lawyer in the face with my shotgun," Cheney said, "and he was a friend of mine. Think of what I'll do to the rest of them!" "You're the only one here who seems to know what he's doing," the man said to Cheney. "I hate quails," another person said. "Are any of you going to do something about them?" "I kill quails with my shotgun," Cheney answered. Bush hit Cheney in the shoulder. "Dick! You and your shotgun better stop hogging all the popularity." "People, don't just follow the gun-wielding maniac," Pelosi told the crowd. "We Democrats care about you." The skin on her face stretched back again. "Why is she baring her teeth like that?" one guy asked. "Is she going to eat us?" "That's her smiling," Bush said. He then thought for a moment. "For five bucks, you can hit her in the face with a pie." "I did not agree to any--" Pelosi was shut up when a pie struck her in the face. * * * * "The new polls are in!" Bush exclaimed with glee. "The carnival worked! I'm up one point!" "That could just be a statistically insignificant fluctuation in the polls," Laura Bush said. "Well, this is for real." Bush held up a wad of cash. "I made this money letting people hit Nancy Pelosi in the face with a pie. Plus, I think I learned something: popularity doesn't matter when you have money and power." "Well, I'm quite popular," Laura said. "The only people who don't like me are the craziest moonbats. Maybe I can bake them cookies." "You can't ever get them to like you; they even hate themselves." A horn honked outside the White House. "Hey! Bush!" President Bush stuck his head out the window. "What?" "I'm ambivalent about you!" The man sped off down the street. "Yes!"
28 Responses To "In My World: The Least Hated"
First! We all know Cheney has the right idea, but why didn't he shoot some of those Democrat lawyers hanging around the Senate, I can think of several that the world would be better off without... #1 - Posted by: Writer on May 10, 2006 01:10 PMNow that's funny. #2 - Posted by: Veeshir on May 10, 2006 01:15 PMHilarious! Pie Throwing! In the Face! The only thing funnier than seeing someone getting a pie thrown in their face is reading about it, of course. Unfortunately, I am afraid that the American public might not appreciate your humor. Perhaps you should take your act on the road? Things are getting better in Baghadad, right? You should see if you can get a gigin a comedy club there. Unlike Americans, I believe Arabs appreciate a hilarious pie in the face joke. Maybe you write about Reid squirting seltzer in his pants then too. I am sure they would love that joke! That's it; this guy made me cry. I'm not writing anymore.] #3 - Posted by: Monkey-Faced Liberal on May 10, 2006 01:29 PMGOP Imploding! #4 - Posted by: HaHaHA on May 10, 2006 01:57 PMI agree... why couldn't the democrats get shot in the face!!!!!! #5 - Posted by: John Wycough on May 10, 2006 02:24 PMnearby children screamed and ran away. "What are you doing?" Bush demanded. "I'm smiling," Pelosi answered. OMG! Hilarious! #6 - Posted by: on May 10, 2006 02:26 PMreally, you should write for someone to get this stuff out in the public eye. this is probably one of the funniest, but that's hard to judge. we keep expecting more and more, and you pretty much deliver. you are a true American. not in the least monkey-faced. #7 - Posted by: aA on May 10, 2006 02:48 PMGood stuff, Frank! But damn, next time give us a warning before we hit the "Read More" button! Almost threw my lunch up -- the woman looks dead! #8 - Posted by: Hooverdog on May 10, 2006 02:53 PMI'm gonna have to agree with Hooverdog. That "read more" tag needs a NSFW label...and probably a "profanity" warning as well. (not because of whats below, but because of what you will say when you see it) In fact, you should probably re-label it "you don't want to click this link and see the picture I put after it." at least then you could tell us "I told you so!" #9 - Posted by: ben on May 10, 2006 03:36 PMThat's not a smile - that's a grimace. Does Pelosi take off the purple makeup after her shift at McDonalds, or is her skin actually purple and she puts on flesh-colored makeup to conceal it? I find it hard to believe that any lefties would consider a pie in the face to be hostile. Why, that's their idea of an "intellectual rebuttal" whenever a conservative dares to speak on a college campus. Now, shooting Pelosi and Dingy Harry in the face is hostile. I fully support that! #10 - Posted by: Master Shake on May 10, 2006 03:53 PMSo, if she bites you, do you spend eternity walking the Earth in search of human flesh? #11 - Posted by: Rick on May 10, 2006 04:04 PMI didn't know that Pelosi had died! I hit Read More and there she is...someone had her stuffed! Great one as usual, Frank! We need more wisdom from the "Rover" and Cheney is great as usual. Could we please have him USE the gun on someone? #12 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on May 10, 2006 04:22 PMI want to hear Cheney's take on stupid monkey-faced liberals, and what he's gonna do to stop them. #13 - Posted by: fmragtops on May 10, 2006 04:48 PMPelosi picture -- my eyes -- they burn! #14 - Posted by: Room 237 on May 10, 2006 04:49 PMwhy did i have to click "read more"... WHY!?!?! for the love of pete, kill it before it spreads... #15 - Posted by: shane on May 10, 2006 05:32 PMThe worst part is, the "Read More" tag doesn't exist on the comments/permalink page . . . she's just there, staring at you with that evil fake smile, and there's nothing you can do . . . but sit . . . and take it. GAAAAHHHH! #16 - Posted by: blue square on May 10, 2006 06:29 PM"Maybe the verbal description of someone getting hit with a pie wasn't the funniest thing ever" When did I say it was not funny? I thought it was hilarious. I was just afraid that the American public might not appreciate your humor. However, given the fact that we liberated them, I am sure the crowds of Iraq will love your comedy. Now, unlike most degenerate (and most likely liberal monkey-faced) Americans, I love nothing better than written physical comedy. How I enjoy sitting down with a nice long description of a Three Stooges or Charlie Chaplin movie. I laugh and laugh! "But it's not as pointless as spending the time reading the story and then writing a long screed about how you didn't like it." Again -- when did I say I didn't like it? I loved it! Don't you appreciate my compliments for your humor? Hey, want to see something really funny, check this out PS -- My name is not Monkey-Faced Liberal. It is Because that is the best joke EVER! Ok, second best. Next to saying you are going to punch a liberal in the face! Because it hurts them! And they bleed. Blood is funny. And pain. But a bloody liberal in pain? Hilarious! I was all set to write a quick "LOL Frank! Another brilliant episode!" But then I clicked on MORE. AHHHggGGhhhhhh.....MY EYES! MY SANITY! THE VERY FABRIC OF SPACE AND TIME! Why Frank, WHY? Nancy Pelosi? I could've SWORN that was Michael Jackson... By the way, has anyone ever seen both of them together? In the same room? At the same time? I mean... you know... just wondering... #19 - Posted by: Harvey on May 10, 2006 08:32 PMDude . . . someone tell the monkey-face with no sense of humor that if he doesn't appreciate the jokes . . . don't visit the website. We don't like you anyway, and Kos writes some crap that you'd probably find HILARIOUS #20 - Posted by: Lissa on May 10, 2006 08:34 PMPlease tell me that "more" pic of Pelosi was photoshopped! #21 - Posted by: Teresa on May 10, 2006 08:55 PMIf you've ever seen the movie "They Live", you already know that ALL pictures of Nancy Pelosi are photoshopped. #22 - Posted by: Rick on May 10, 2006 09:10 PMThat should've had a warning! I just ate! Glurp...trying to keep it down. #23 - Posted by: jonag on May 10, 2006 09:55 PM//Nancy Pelosi? I could've SWORN that was Michael Jackson...// Dude, no, that was C'thulhu!!! Why do you think the followers of the leading demoncraps are so INSANE!!!! #24 - Posted by: shimauma on May 10, 2006 09:59 PMThat should be on a billboard near every polling place to scare GOP'ers to the polls November 7th #25 - Posted by: Terry_Jim on May 11, 2006 01:35 AMWas that a Daily KOS reader that posted or did someone let their 5 year old get on the computer again! Stop that or Frank is going to have to send AquaMan over and then you will be...well...um...just watch your kids ok? #26 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on May 11, 2006 05:28 AMSo is Reid taking Gephard's place in the Hell's Democrats, or what? I feel like Patrick Kennedy is making a strong case for inclusion lately. #27 - Posted by: Jake on May 11, 2006 11:55 PM@ Liberals are Monkey Faced: Psst, lemme tell you a secret: That post you're mocking? It's using a device called SATIRE. You see, the real secret is that we Rethuglicans don't actually go around causing mayhem and havoc and blending puppies into smoothies (well, Glenn Reynolds is an exception I guess . . .). In fact, the idea of doing things like that is so far from our moral code (I believe most Rethuglicans, like myself, base this code on a document called the HOLY BIBLE) that our reflex response to the idea of doing it is to laugh at the absurdity of the idea. Hah! Us do that? As if! On the other hand, there are people (such as yourself) who seem to believe that Rethuglicans really are like that. The absurdity of that notion and of the mindset that it reveals just makes us laugh harder that anyone could be so wrong about us. Unless you actually believe that we are like that because if YOU said such things, then you WOULD be serious. In which case you're the one with problems. #28 - Posted by: Clintodon on May 12, 2006 11:37 AMPost a comment
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