My god Frank, your comic genius knows no bounds!

See, it is funny because America is better than the rest of the world. And more powerful.

So they better listen, and give us our Big Macs with the right special sauce, or we might hurt them!

Hurting people is funny!

You are missing one thing in this post that would make it perfect -- and I think you know what it is!

A reference to MONKEY FACED LIBERALS!

So, Frank, when are you getting your own TV show? I know the MSM is run by a bunch of monkey faced liberals, but they must acknowledge your comic genius evidentally, right?

Jon Stewart -- watch out! Here comes Frank J!

Your biggest fan!

Liberals are Monkey Faced

//Don't insult the American President. I don't care if Jimmy Carter gets a second term; only Americans get to make fun of the American President. To you foreigners, he should be treated as a revered, God-like figure since he can, at anytime, order your puny country bombed.//

Frickin' RIGHT ON *that* one; nothing ever pissed me off so much as having a flamewar with some european fartknocker, nitwit about our presidential election...dadblastit, it's none of THEIR business who our president is!!!

Monkey Face,
So are you gonna like come here everyday and write the same thing... because that's like my job.

Isn't it kind of strange to ask foreigners to learn English if we can't even get the people who live in the U.S. to learn English...

//Liberals are Monkey Faced //

This dork has nothing better to do than haunt your site, Frank. That, or he used up his vacation time just to monitor your site so he could comment first. What an honor.

But that's unrealistic too; there's no way this loser has a job.

Frank J

"Come here every day and write the same thing -- cause that is my job."

Hilarious! See, it is funny because you made fun of yourself!

But of course you don't write the same thing everyday. You are always writing funny new stuff -- but you don't forget the key to comedy.

Punching monkey-faced liberals in the face!

Shimauma:

Why are you calling me a dork? And saying I am haunting the site? And saying I don't have a job?

I am Frank J's biggest fan! I am just trying to ensure that Frank J understands how much joy and laughter he brings to the world with his amazing comedy!

Monkey Face,
Know who needs encouragement? Scrappleface. Go bother him.

in order not to anger americans I drink a lot of beer, I am fat, and I fake an english accent.

Wave an (non-burning) American Flag.

Thank us profusely for the war. Doesn't matter which war, just thank us.

Bonus points for waving a flag while thanking us for the/a war.

The presence of beer at a European McDonald's frustrates me. If the rest of the world can serve beer at fast food joints, then we should have fully stocked bars in ours. We're America dammit! We can drink you under the McPlay-Place, any time, Pierre!

Oh, Monkey Face?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, phew, haven't laughed like that since the last time you posted. Soothes the soul, it does.

//Don't be French. I don't care if you live in France; it's unacceptable to Americans for you to be French. Fake an Italian accent or something. Even if it's not very good, we'll appreciate the effort.//

Your intellectual superiority reigns supreme! My only comment is that if you are an attractive French female thanking an American for liberating your country, go with an Italian accent. We'll pretend that you are Giada DeLaurentiis.

"Liberals are Monkey Faced"
Don't forget stupid!!!!!

Liberals are monkey faced and Stupid!!

Very Stupid!

Liberals are monkey faced and VERY Stupid!!

Nice job with the liberal monkey face, though.

When visiting or living in America, don't tell us how you do things in your country. If you did things well in your miserable country, we'd be there and you wouldn't be here.

Monkey Face,
Know who needs encouragement? Scrappleface. Go bother him.

I think the Emperor needs some encouragement too. Although, he's such a shrinking violet that maybe monkey face will scare him.

>dadblastit, it's none of THEIR business who our president is!!!

That goes both ways. I'm serious on that one, however. (Then again, if you nuked the Italian parliament, currently full of communists, I wouldn't mind. So... AMERIKKKA BLOWS! You can't touch Italy! No way your nukes could hit us! Etc.)

>Also, what do you international IMAO readers do to keep from angering Americans?

* I learned the refrain from Dixie and enjoy The Dukes of Hazzard. Face it, the southerners are the most dangerous Americans.

* I own guns and both understand and support the 2nd Amendment, even if my country treats gun owners worse than pedophiles. Hey, if US courts can resort to "international consensus" (whatever that is) to interpret laws, I can live by the US constitution. On that same note, my KA-BAR should be in next week.

* Read US blogs. Laugh at US jokes. Especially jokes made by people who could nuke my country. Oh, wait, I remember: parliament full of commies. HEY FRANK! you're unfunny and you suck! Monkey face is right!

* I join many US conservatives in wishing Reagan was still around.

Thanks, Francisco; I was thinking of you when I asked.

Also:
* July 4th is Punch-A-Hippy Day! If you're wondering why not every day is Punch-A-Hippy Day, it's because I have a job. I can't punch all the hippies alone. And I also live in a city where you can't throw a rock without it bouncing off a monument and hitting four communists.

* Ronnie's B-Day is Throw-A-Rock Day.

>Francisco

I would like to state for the record that having my name misspelled as the second word of one of the most liberal cities in America (...?) annoys me. :o

I was once told that the best way to deal with the mentally challenged was to smile and nod;

*smiles and nods*

As for some of your points:

I have my doubts about America's ability to master the English language. As I'm sure you should know, "y'all", "ain't" or anything out of the hip-hop 'culture' such as "fo' sho'" aren't part of the English language.

And about nuking our country; I don't think we should worry, seeing as you guys probably couldn't find it on a map.

We don't localize the McDonalds per se, we try and minimize the amount of deep fat frying we do, that's why your BigMac tastes different. But of course, we apologize for trying to improve the so well-respected American cuisine.

About the president... yeah, the closest thing to an assassination attempt on your fearless leader was him trying to eat a pretzel. But we can stop making fun of him since it's funny enough just to watch him voice his opinion and not confuse himself.

no comment, must be below my thinking threshold.

Agreed, France has got to go.

I think America IS doing a good job, at least in Guam, the rest of the world; no comment.

Actually, the biggest threat to our countries comes from being mistaken for Americans and hence being shot or killed, or worse; both.

Phil,

...and yet, here you are on an American website. God how you envy us.

* Pay us back all the money you borrowed/stole from back in the day when our grandpas saved your sorry starving asses from The Kaiser/der Fuhrer/Tojo/Uncle Joe/Uncle Ho/Uncle Osama/Uncle Hugo/Uncle Fidel/ *

"Actually, the biggest threat to our countries comes from being mistaken for Americans and hence being shot or killed, or worse; both."

Yes, of course. It seems all "civilized" countries these days value their lives and their comfort more than their values. "No, don't stand up for freedom and humanity, you might cause people to dislike you, or kill you, or worse; both." So my advise to you is... cower... curl up in a little ball and cry. Maybe all the problems in this world will just sort themselves out.

In reality however America will sort these things out... and knowing us, we'll probably come help you out of your little corner, dry your tears and tell you everything will be OK.

Whereby you'll thank us for a couple days then go on with your rhetoric about how America is the worst thing to hit this world since Hitler.

""in order not to anger americans I drink a lot of beer, I am fat, and I fake an english accent.
Posted by: Frenchy on May 11, 2006 01:17 PM "

Don't forget Froggy, you also actually walk down the soap aisle at the market so it's pleasant scent has a chance to waft on to your clothing and possibly mask the putrid stench you've been cultivating since your last bath in .. what was it?..1968?

Phil,

Thanks for exemplifying the Euro-Wussie archetype. Whatever you do don't stand for anything that may cause others to dislike you.

*Do not, I repeat, do not accuse an American of supporting prisoner abuse.

If you do, don't act surprised when he uses you, to demonstrate his Joe Hunt Magneto Powered Information Extractor.

I spend Election Day 2004 in France. This is an e-mail I sent to friends and family:

I am going to be in France on Election Day. My wife is somewhat concerned that I will further damage the already strained relationship between the US and France. I told her not to worry, as I am really a Francophile, but she has made me promise the following:

1. I will not begin conversations with "Bon jour you cheese eating surrender monkey."

2. If Bush wins, I will not wear a tee shirt that says "Kiss my hairy American ass".

3. I will not wear a tee shirt that expresses the thought in number 2 translated into any language spoken in Europe.

4. If a Frenchman starts haranguing me on US foreign policy, I will not start speaking to him in German.

5. If I need assistance on something, I will ask for "help." I will not ask for "collaboration."

6. If a waiter gets snooty with me because I am an American, I will not ask for Vichy water.

7. I will not ask the French police if Captain Renault can see me about a letter of transit.

8. I will not ask random Frenchmen if they are can sell me a nuclear reactor.

9. I will not walk into the local police station and ask to speak to Inspector Clouseau about a missing diamond.

Sorry for the spam and have a happy Election Day. Please vote and also pray that no matter who wins, it is not that close (otherwise, every lawyer in America will have more reason to celebrate)

Francesco

Don't feel bad about the Francisco thing. It's not really part of America, anyway. It's only where we stash the commies and hippies. Makes it easier to find one and punch him in the face. :-)

It looks like there is a lack of humour on the comments.
Let me say a few things.
1. It was France who helped you become independent and that was for nothing as you still obey the queen and not aware of it.
2. The real enemy is not Iraq or Iran but the Euro as you live off the rest of the world with your valueless green esoteric bills. Your oil is free and your gas money goes to CIA agents such as Bin Laden, Mahmoud of Iran or even the president of the unelected european comission (This guy José Manuel Durão Barroso even failed to get his Doctors degree because he was to busy being indoctrinated by the CIA).
How can the only country in the world who uses nuclear weapons (I say uses and not used) have a say on which countries should or should not possess them?
You americans are mere cannon-fodder for your master puppets (not puppet-masters)so it is only natural you feel the way you do, who can blame the most ignorant and brainwashed people in the world for what they think they think?
So the money was never yours, it is being ripped off the rest of the world and your big fear but unavoidable is to lose that. The invasion of Iraq after they changed their UN Food for Oil from dollars to euros. And now Iran threatning to do the same with their oil accounts and even creating a burse in euros as well. That can not be, but it will. Do not worry because you will survive, but will have to work instead of living off the rest of the world. The empire will not, but some of your states will.
Cheers

Stop dressing in silly outfits of your country when Americans are around and try to dress like us at all times! It makes us feel better!

Don't insult Americans by telling us how you do things! We don't care! We are Americans and you shall do things like us...or else!

Don't EVER quote the metric system around an American or prepare to die!

Very funny stuff as always, Frank!

Hey Frank,

It seems you touched some nerves but there are always those monkey faced panty wearing limp wristed cry baby butt boys out there...

I found the germans and the swiss to be more rude than the fwench. The Danes are nice, but the norwegians are straight up assholes. I do like the Italians though. As for the run on sentence by 5th column, hope you have a wheelbarrow to haul your euros around while looking for food. Oh, and get that prayer rug and koran now, cause the price of them will skyrocket when the demand rises in your near future. Might as well spring for the burkha for the girls too while your at it.

* Tell everyone that Ronald Reagan is (yeah, is) the greatest president ever. Not just in America. And Winston Churchill was not a president, he was a prime minister, you moron.
* Watch the entire Ronald Reagan funeral procession on TV with tears streaming down my face. Not sad for him, he's in heaven, but sad for America.
* Wish Ronald Reagan were still alive, healthy, and president.
* Wear Ronald Reagan t-shirt.
* Buy good books on Ronald Reagan.
* Promote capitalism.
* Despise Billary Clinton.
* Despise Al Gore.
* Despise Al Gore's daughter who gets a free ride on her daddy's lib credentials.
* Despise John Kerry.
* Despise democrats in general.
* Despise liberals in general.
* Despise islamism in general.
* Despise communism and socialism.
* Get like totally hooked on whopper, fries, and coke. Oh, and rare steak, too. Mmm.... steak...
* Love Disney. Disney is like sooo American. Although their ABC is not. I hate ABC. Except when they're airing NBA matches.

The best way foreigners could not piss of Americans is just to get a fricking sense of humor.

It might be difficult not to annoy americans, but to annoy is quite easy.
What is hopeless is to expect them to understand.

5th Empire:
Americans do not need to understand.

Tarasia (that´s your name in the lingo of the 3rd empire), check this out:

http://www.iribnews.ir/Full_en.asp?news_id=212024

http://www.blackcommentator.com/65/65_street_prison_pf.html

http://www.monthlyreview.org/0506jbf.htm

http://www.priceofoil.org/

boooo

But I insist:

http://www.ucsusa.org/global_security/nuclear_weapons/nuclear-bunker-buster-rnep-animation.html

http://www.iribnews.ir/Full_en.asp?news_id=212024

See how amusing this is:

http://www.voltairenet.org/article136827.html

http://www.voltairenet.org/article138048.html

American's understand much more than the rest of the world knows. The main thing that they understand is that if this country is such a pit of despair why are people literally dying to get in.
The ancestors of Americans left their homes throughout the world to travel here. It was not easy, or cheap but they could read the writing on the wall and got out before the whole place imploded.
The only reason it hasn't already is we are too kind hearted to let them spin out of control completely.
But the day is soon coming when that will not be the case.

http://www.energybulletin.net/12125.html

Hey Moneyman ! How does Giada DeLaurentiis fit into all this? Hands Off! She's Mine! Plus, the only way I'll eat a Big Mac is if Giada takes a bite out of it first. Oh, and by the way, don't anybody take the fact that I don't like Big Macs to mean I'm not American, or I'll pistol whip (1911 of course!) your fat liberal monkey face! Oh, and as for you foriegners out there. You better hope Hillary doesn't become President, she'll just nuke your ass cause she's in a bad mood.

I cannot allow 5th Empire's screed to pass without comment---my sacred honor won't allow it!

1. It was France who helped you become independent
Yes, and in return we prevented them from having to change all their street signs to German twice. Seems a fair exchange to me...

and that was for nothing as you still obey the queen and not aware of it.
What a quaint, odd fantasy world you live in. God save the queen (if only to keep annoying you)!

2. The real enemy is not Iraq or Iran but the Euro as you live off the rest of the world with your valueless green esoteric bills.
"Valueless green esoteric bills!" I love it! Sadly they're not really green anymore because we had to change them because other nations kept counterfeiting them. Even though they're "valueless". Of course. LOL!

[stuff about CIA]
Sadly the CIA is much more like the CIA of James Bond movies (incompetent dopes) than the omnicompetent organization in your fantasy world. Oh well. I'm sure that paranoia thing works for you. Enjoy it!

How can the only country in the world who uses nuclear weapons (I say uses and not used) have a say on which countries should or should not possess them?
Er, because we're clearly the one country willing to USE them to impose our will. Duh. I thought that would be clear, but apparently it's time to vaporize some random capital just to drive the point home... Tehran perhaps?

who can blame the most ignorant and brainwashed people in the world for what they think they think?
This is actually a really good point. I shouldn't be so hard on the French. I mean most people in France probably actually believe the tripe that comes out of European media...

So the money was never yours, it is being ripped off the rest of the world and your big fear but unavoidable is to lose that.
Yes, that's right, we've ripped off the rest of the world. If only we'd contributed something. Besides inventing oil extraction, refining, modern manufacturing, fission power, solar cells, wind turbines, commercial hydroelectric power...

Oh, if only we'd paid the world back for our evil greed by, say, inventing nearly all modern power generation methods...

(Francesco, you'll be pleased that Italy gets the node for geothermal power. The UK picks up the prize for wave power generation.)

The invasion of Iraq after they changed their UN Food for Oil from dollars to euros.
I know this is hard to believe, but we really don't care what currency you pick up your blood money in. It's the brutal starvation of children to line the pockets of European bureaucrats that we mind...

Do not worry because you will survive, but will have to work instead of living off the rest of the world.
Heh, "have to work", yes because after all the US isn't the most productive country in the world by every measure.

Oh, wait, yes it is...

Hey 5th clown (thats your name in Texan), time will tell who is right and who is wrong. I'm betting its America and I'm willing to die to make that a reality. God Bless America!!!

I would like to clearify something 5th Empire said:

"1. It was France who helped you become independent and that was for nothing as you still obey the queen and not aware of it."

Unlikely true, we were already winning when France stepped in. They definately helped us finish the war sooner and helped save American lives, that's for sure. To say we wouldn't have won without them, check your history. Besides, we all know that those French people finished dying in WW2 defending their country, only the Vichey French are left now.

Instead of punching liberals in thier stupid monkey faces, I like to dowse them in gasoline... sorry... petrol for you euro types... and then light them on fire. Once the monkey faced liberal is dead, I like to have my loyal army of necrophiliacs go to work on them getting thier sick kicks.

But thats just me. Oh yeah, and I really do have a loyal army of necrophiliacs.

"Also, what do you international IMAO readers do to keep from angering Americans?"

I married one.

Dwight in IL wrote "Heh, "have to work", yes because after all the US isn't the most productive country in the world by every measure.

Oh, wait, yes it is..."

Looks to me like Norway was more Productive than the United States in every catagory according to your statistics.

I for one welcome our new Norwegian overloards.

Room 237, that was sooooo funny. Thanks!

Looks to me like Norway was more Productive than the United States in every catagory according to your statistics.

Yes, that's true. Worse, France edges us out. But, remember the US stats are averaging California and, say, Mississippi. The "apples to apples" comparison isn't between the US and any dinky portion of Europe (sorry Norway). It's between the US and Europe as a whole.

And there we win, hands down.

I for one welcome our new Norwegian overlords.

This does beg the question, just what do the incredibly productive Norwegians produce???

"This does beg the question, just what do the incredibly productive Norwegians produce???"

Really, REALLY hot babes. Any overlord that could provide that gets my attention. Maybe not as hot as, say, Sweden, but in contrast, have you ever seen a lot of really hot mexican house keepers? They seem to be one of the main export of mexico. :)

..."This does beg the question, just what do the incredibly productive Norwegians produce???"...

Alan, you're right about the "babes", but you're forgetting about the lutefish. I don't know what one has to do with the other, but there's prolly a connection somehow.

" I mean most people in France probably actually believe the tripe that comes out of European media..."

Like WMD, links between Saddam and Al Qaeda, "domino theory", the "end of major operations", "winning hearts and minds"... ?

Those euros are so gullible...

The woman clown is just hillarious, no further comment except maybe go ahead.
Dwight,
I meant the crown and I stick to it but that must be because of the biased european media. How different do you think it is from americam media. The silent war waged on you is now being waged on europeans. That is precisely my point. I, as a european and Portuguese (It´s not in Asia you know?)do not want to emulate the USA and build another fortress nation. The legally ripped off money is what gives you the power and the will to bleed other countries most brilliant minds to invent all that stuff. What can I say to a guy who says: "Er, because we're clearly the one country willing to USE them to impose our will. Duh. I thought that would be clear, but apparently it's time to vaporize some random capital just to drive the point home... Tehran perhaps?" except that you prove me right when I say americans are a brainwashed people. Do you how many nukes it takes to obliterate life on Terra?
Hurry up with the fusion stuff so we can forget about oil.
Or are you, as most os your master puppets, share holder of an oil company?
" know this is hard to believe, but we really don't care what currency you pick up your blood money in. It's the brutal starvation of children to line the pockets of European bureaucrats that we mind" I could not agree more, but you are forgeting the war hawks and bureaucrats of that side of the Atlantic (they are all godd friends).
By have to work I mean that it will not be possible for americans to keep their level of consuption. I know americans work longer hours and years than europeans. Would it not be good if all the world could have the same standards of living? That is, regretably not possible without destroying our mother: Terra.

What the hell is Terra?

Terra means Earth in Latin, and in Romanian, Italian, Castillan and Portuguese and Castillan based creoulos.