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May 11, 2006
Frank Guide to Foreigners on How Not to Anger Americans
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (57)

Some people are making a guide on how Americans should act so foreigners will like them. That is so stupid. Americans are powerful, armed, and have short attention spans and even shorter tempers; foreigners should be much more concerned with angering us. If we get mad enough, we'll just call up our Congressman and have your country nuked. So, as a service to foreigners, here is:

A FRANK GUIDE TO NOT ANGERING AMERICANS

* Learn English. We're the most powerful country in the world, so you better be fluent in English just in case you ever one day run into an American or just want to know what we're saying about you... if anything. We don't have time to learn all your different silly little languages, so just learn ours. Also, if you’re begging a Marine to spare your life, it's much more effective if he can understand you.

* Don't localize your McDonalds. The last thing Americans want is to go to a McDonalds in some foreign country and find that their Big Macs taste weird because you foreigners like it cooked some strange way. Learn to like things the way Americans make them. Do serve beer at McDonalds, though.

* Don't insult the American President. I don't care if Jimmy Carter gets a second term; only Americans get to make fun of the American President. To you foreigners, he should be treated as a revered, God-like figure since he can, at anytime, order your puny country bombed.

* Have hat racks. Americans need someplace to hang their cowboy hats when entering an establishment. If an American finds no place to hang his cowboy hat, he may just pull out a gun and shoot you... and he'd be fully justified.

* Don't be French. I don't care if you live in France; it's unacceptable to Americans for you to be French. Fake an Italian accent or something. Even if it's not very good, we'll appreciate the effort.

* Don't comment on our foreign policy. If you wanted your opinion to matter, you shouldn't have been foreign. Just say that you like everything America is doing. We won't actually expect you to know everything America is doing, though, because we don't expect that of ourselves.

* Give us free stuff. The only reason your country is safe is because of America, so give Americans free stuff to show your appreciation. An American might even reward you with a story about American hero Jack Bauer if you're extra good.

* If an American tells you to do something, then do it immediately. Usually we'll just ask that you dance for our amusement.

* Accept American currency. We don't want to carry around your fruity colored currency, so just take our dollars and figure out what to do with them yourself.

* No sudden arm movements. We're trigger-happy, so don't give us cause.

Did I miss anything? Also, what do you international IMAO readers do to keep from angering Americans?

Rating: 2.1/5 (43 votes cast)

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