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May 19, 2006
NSA Monitors Instapundit
Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I've bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies: JACK: This is ridiculous! I can't believe they actually expect us to sort through ten billion phone records! How are we supposed to find any patterns in this mess? EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it's SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil. JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep "proving" that Bush is Hitler? EVE: Exactly... Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it's done... AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do... JACK: Instapundit? But he's a right-wing warmonger! He doesn't fit the profile! EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don't fit the profile either - except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let's look at his phone records. JACK: Here's a call to a "Mrs. Reynolds" in another city. Probably his mother. EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission! JACK: It was on Mother's Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother's Day... except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance] EVE: She knew too much!... Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn't be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do. JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls... must be a hundred of 'em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP? EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials! JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine? EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym! JACK: Either way, he's got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how. EVE: Hmmm... a call to Black & Decker... coffee maker division... JACK: Of COURSE! He's going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It's the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that's been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans! EVE: You mean Canadians - there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won't do them. BOB McKENZIE: Here's yer coffee, eh? That'll be, like, 5 beers? EVE: Here's a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change. BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I'm gonna take off, eh? EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak...Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he'll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target... JACK: Wait... I see a pattern here... he's called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last... well... since the telephone was invented. EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick - almost drinkable - liquid? JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one's a slam... [phone rings] EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking... uh huh... uh huh... oh... oh, I see... thank you... [hangs up] JACK: ...DUNK! He's going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake! EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we've been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon... they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We've been had. JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake! EVE: Calm down, Jack... sooner or later, he'll make another mistake. We'll nail him eventually... JACK: So... wanna hack into John Murtha's credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills? EVE: Jack, I *love* the way you think... Looks like the Puppy Blender has once again eluded the long arm of the law... but the Alliance will be watching you, Reynolds. ...always watching... 22 Responses To "NSA Monitors Instapundit"
While parodies of this nature might be fun, they don't actually mean anything. I mean, aren't there any underlying issues to consider, or should we play with emotional spin and make ourselves feel good because the "other" side is too stupid to see it our way? #1 - Posted by: Grokodile on May 20, 2006 01:24 PMWhat "other" side would that be? I reject the racist liberal notion of "sides". #2 - Posted by: Not a Racist Liberal on May 20, 2006 04:44 PMComedy doesn't actually mean anything?!?!?! Ha ha. Good one, Bob. That Grokodile quote should be in the testimonials list on the sidebar. #4 - Posted by: blue square on May 20, 2006 05:25 PMBasil gets an instalanche, IMAO picks up a couple of Trolls. Better look out Harvey, Frank may cut your pay. #5 - Posted by: Brian The Adequate on May 20, 2006 06:36 PML0L!!!1!!one!shiftone!!! that was fun. i #7 - Posted by: Garrett on May 20, 2006 09:40 PMBrian The Adequate: Yeah, but tomorrow I won't have an Instalanche, and Harvey will still have trolls. #8 - Posted by: basil on May 20, 2006 10:13 PMYou tards are accepting an ad for the DVC? Is there anything you won't do to make a buck? #10 - Posted by: Joe on May 21, 2006 03:01 AMC'mon and post something else already. How are we supposed to make fools of ourselves otherwise? #12 - Posted by: Grokodile on May 21, 2006 10:11 AMBrian - You mean I might have to pay Frank now? Joe - The big difference between IMAO and other tards is that IMAO actually *makes* a buck. Without even having to say "Ding! Fries are done!" #13 - Posted by: Harvey on May 21, 2006 10:53 AMNo Relation - True, but you can't expect underpaid NSA goons to remember EVERY detail. Ditto underpaid IMAO goons. My apologies for the factual inaccuracy. #14 - Posted by: Harvey on May 21, 2006 10:55 AMBasil - I see your point. #15 - Posted by: Brian the Adequate on May 21, 2006 12:25 PMWow, I just had a revelation. Parody is full of lies! All comedians are LIARS. I can now rage at Letterman and Leno on my tv. LIARS! Lying LIARS just like BushHitler! There are so many comedians and all of them are LIARS! The world is full of these LIARS, they are everywhere, surrounding me always. Everyone is LYING to me. The tv, radio, web, in print, in clubs, in movies. LIARS EVERYWHERE! SS - Have you been watching Jim Carrey movies again? #17 - Posted by: Harvey on May 21, 2006 11:44 PMGood point, Harvey. I was trying to make a joke of it but I guess my deadpan delivery doesn't translate very well through the keyboard. If you're not laughing right now you just proved this point. #18 - Posted by: No Relation on May 22, 2006 04:29 PMHmmm... maybe I should've put a :-) at the end of my last comment, because I *did* catch the joke. I was trying to riff off it. Note to self - beware of deadpan in comments sections :-) #19 - Posted by: Harvey on May 22, 2006 04:43 PMAh. I caught the first part jokes and then I thought the apology was for real. I was never offended, but if Hezbollah was reading, I hope they got offended. #20 - Posted by: No Relation on May 22, 2006 04:59 PM... but the Alliance will be watching you, Reynolds. Is that directed at Glenn or Malcolm? #21 - Posted by: SeanF on May 22, 2006 05:41 PMPost a comment
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