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May 24, 2006
Stopping Iran's Nuke Program
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment) Despite the European Union's numerous offers of flowers & candy, Iran's lunatic president Imabigdweeby (or whatever his name is) still refuses to stop enriching uranium. Need to put a stop to that. So I recommend sending in the Double Secret British Special Forces Commando Team to shut them down with some of their patented pacification techniques, which include such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to World Peace, and possibly one or more of the following: * Park a giant wooden rabbit outside the enrichment facility, then - when the Iranians bring it inside - they'll sneak out to open the gates for... RUN AWAY!!! * Soundly ignore any and all Iranian complaints about dead parrots. * Wear high heels, skip and jump, press wildflowers, put on women's clothing and hang around the gates of the facility waiting for a chance to sneak in and blow it up with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. * Write a strongly worded resolution, wrap it around an arrow, and fire it into Imabigdweeby's bodyguard, Concorde. * Burst into the enrichment facility, search it for cheese, and start shooting people if none is found. Starting with the bouzouki player. * Taunt the Iranians. * Taunt them a second time if necessary. * Do something in their general direction, but only if it doesn't violate the Geneva Convention, because Amnesty International is like a freakin' pit bull on these sorts of things nowadays. * Demand that the Iranians dismantle their nuclear program immediately. If they refuse, explain that you're very sorry, but you're not allowed to argue with them anymore unless they dismantle their nuclear program. * Slap Imabigdweeby with a fish. * Bomb the nuclear facilities, invade the country, kill the leaders, and steal their huge tracts of land. If none of that works, I suppose we can always try giving the Nuts Who Say "Nuke!" a shrubbery. 12 Responses To "Stopping Iran's Nuke Program"
I wonder if the U.N. has considered placing Iran on double-secret probation? #1 - Posted by: captamerica on May 24, 2006 03:42 PMMan, this all sounds so familiar... I know! Neville Chamberlain already tried this with Hitler. Then he went on a long, really weird bike tour with Trostksy, and the war started. #2 - Posted by: PaleoMedic on May 24, 2006 03:55 PMFart in their general direction! #3 - Posted by: Gunga on May 24, 2006 04:28 PMyou definetly don't like monty python. #4 - Posted by: Garrett on May 24, 2006 04:38 PMSic the parrahna brothers on them. If that doesn't work, try an extortion scheme with their miliary. "I hear you have plenty of tanks...it would be a sham if some of 'em were to get damaged..." "Bomb the nuclear facilities, invade the country, kill the leaders, and steal their huge tracts of land." You forgot the most important part: Oil. Everyone knows that in the end this is all about oil anyway. If we got our hands on all that oil maybe our gas prices would go down. After all, when we invaded Iraq for their oil... oh, never mind. #6 - Posted by: Evan on May 24, 2006 05:38 PMNice work Harvey. You've really picked up the slack left by FrankJ. ... Bomb the nuclear facilities, invade the country, kill the leaders, and steal their huge tracts of land. I'm OK with all of that except the "steal their huge tracts of land" thingi. I mean, who really wants all that deserty land anyway. It's gotta be full of scorpions and cactus and stuff. A complete wasteland, if you ask me. Oh, wait. So is Arizona. Nevermind. Go ahead and take it. I like Arizona. Iran could become our new Guam. Good for something, but nobody really knows what. [Heh. Arizona is waaay better than Iran. We don't have those hairy women doing that trilling thing they do all the time. Our babes are Babes. #8 - Posted by: azlibertarian on May 24, 2006 10:52 PMWas "huge tracts of land" NOT an obvious Holy Grail reference? I'm getting the impression some people didn't make the connection. For which I fault myself for being too obscure. Oh well, at least I didn't mention carpet-bombing them with lark's vomit. #9 - Posted by: Harvey on May 25, 2006 12:42 AMWhy do you want their women? It's hard to tell what they look like, under those black dress thingies (I hope someone corrects that using their great learning). I caught your reference, and thought it was pretty clever. Maybe you should have paused: Huge . . . tracts of land! #10 - Posted by: c on May 25, 2006 12:57 AMI think it's time to "Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. But remember to count to three, not one, not two and four is straight out. They could of course send in the European and /or is it the African swallow, with bombs strapped to their little bodies .... Or maybe burn them like "witches". Of course they'd have to weigh them against a duck to see if they're made of wood, which burns and so do "witches". They turned Michael Moore into a toad after all, but he didn't get better. A day without Python is a day without.......... just without. #11 - Posted by: on May 25, 2006 11:02 AMThreaten them with a dire fate unless they give up the lupins. #12 - Posted by: Tennessee Budd on May 25, 2006 01:00 PMPost a comment
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