With all of the panicked shrieking about Hurricane Season in the media, down here in Houston we don't need any stinking named storms to cripple the city's infrastructure. Dump ten inches of rain on the place during your morning commute, and you've got the makings for a boatload of fun... without the boat!

With all that in mind, we should look at this "rain" thing more closely to see the true nature of this flash flood of threats this phenomenon presents...

FUN FACTS ABOUT RAIN

* Rain is made from water, cereal fillers, artificial preservatives, and is sponsored by the Nike Corporation.

* Credence Clearwater Revival had a #1 hit song with "Who'll StopThe Rain?" However, the secret of who would actually stop the rain remains in legal limbo after an acrimonious split between John Fogarty and the other band members.

* In The Bible, it rained for forty days and forty nights to produce The Great Flood. In fact, NOAA and Noah sound alike is not a coincidence. NOAA gets all of its updates from God, and it's His voice you hear in the Emergency Alert broadcasts.

* Alternatively, Carl Castle from NPR is the Voice Of Satan.

* Isaac Newton discovered gravity because of an apple falling on his head because he lived where it never, ever rained. Or, when it did, he'd just pass it off as "A mild sunsweat" or "God is crying because we're all wearing such silly wigs."

* The California Department of Education will be updating the old joke "April Showers Bring May Flowers, But What Do May Flowers bring?" to include a diversity-friendly historical-context punchline of "Genocidal White European Colonial Occupiers." which isn't all that funny.

* Neither is this Know Thy Enemy, I must admit.

* Rain is an anagram of Iran. However, we have no military plans to invade and press regime change in rain.

* Yet.

* In a fight between rain and Aquaman... hold on a minute... rain is water... Aquaman's powers work with water... I think we may have a draw here.

* Rain Phoenix is the younger sister of River Phoenix. She can beat up Aquaman.

* (Whew. That was a close one.)

* The word rain comes from the Middle English, which in turn comes from Old English word "regn." The Old English "regn" itself comes from Extremely Old English, which was nothing but a series of grunts and shrieks. (Occasionally used by its last remaining native-speaker, Rolling Stones bandmember Keith Richards)

* Acid Rain is when sulfur oxides and nitrogen oxides in air pollution become trapped in storm clouds, causing an acidic rainfall which damages crops, houses, and your stuff that's been thrown out in the street after your girlfriend catches you making time with the girl at the Hardee's counter.

* Rain Dances were ceremonies performed by Native Americans to appease the Rain Gods to bring rain for their crops. Baptist Native Americans were prohibited from participating in the sinful act of dancing until the arrival of Kevin Bacon The Liberator.

* Mount Waialeale, Hawaii has the heaviest annual rainfall in the United States, with 476 inches of rain every year. Attempts to field a professional baseball team have always failed due to rainouts, and minor-league team startups never seem to have the funds to construct a domed venue for playing.

* The term "raining cats and dogs" refers to a very heavy rain, but it also affords one the opportunity to watch the falling cats land on their feet while the dogs pretty much tumble randomly and splatter.

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Know Thy Enemy
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