|
About IMAO Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy! ![]() Buy funniest book ever! ![]() IMAO Podcasts IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
![]() Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
About IMAO
If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK. About Frank J. Bloggers: Frank J. Harvey RightWingDuck Cadet Happy spacemonkey Laurence Simon SarahK Popular Categories
Fred Thompson FactsJohn Edwards Fabulous Facts lolterizt IMAO Condensed Know Thy Enemy Editorials Frank the Artist In My World Other Content
Ode to ViolenceBrief Histories IMAO Audio Bits ![]() Read the Essay Own the Shirt Peace Gallery Search IMAO
Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds "Unfunny treasonous ronin!" -Lou Tulio* "You, sir, are a natural born killer." -E. Harrington "You'll never get my job! Never!!!" -Jonah Goldberg "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO." -No One of Consequence "A blogger with a sense of humor." -Some Woman on MSNBC Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQThe Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler Blackfive Captain's Quarters Classical Values Conservative Grapevine The Corner The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!) Dave in Texas Eject! Eject! Eject! Electric Venom Hot Air Puppy Blender La Shawn Barber's Corner Michelle Malkin Pereiraville Protein Wisdom Rachel Lucas Right Wing News Scrappleface Serenity's Journal Townhall Blog IMAO Blogroll Bad Example Cadet Happy The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles mountaineer musings Right Wing Duck ![]() This Blog Is Full of Crap Fred Thompson Links Fred File Blogs for Fred Fred Thompson Facts Awards
|
July 05, 2006
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 11 - The Personal and the Professional * * * * Bryce quickly ducked into an alleyway for cover with Lulu and Charlene following; Charlene pulled along Doug, who had reacted to the shooting by standing still and looking around with confusion. "That was a warning shot!" yelled a voice that Doug recognized as the goonette he had failed to hit with a pipe. "They always say that when they miss," Charlene said. Lulu frowned. "I didn't think we'd be getting shot at this early." "It's goons," Doug said. "They're after Bryce. I hit one in the head with a pipe, but the other got away and came back, I guess." "Goons?" Charlene sighed and moved to the edge of the alleyway exit. "Anyway, I spotted four of them in an old store front... one with a rifle. Give me a gun and I'll take care of them." "No guns." Bryce pulled Charlene back and placed himself nearer the end of the alleyway. "This is a personal matter completely unrelated to our mission... well, mainly unrelated. Anyway, I'll handle this." He turned to face out of the alleyway without exposing himself. "Hey! Sharon! Let's try to resolve this peacefully before it ends in a way that we both regret!" "Shannon," Doug corrected him. Bryce thought for a moment. "Are you sure?" More bullets struck the edge of the alleyway, spraying pieces of concrete everywhere. "You don't even remember my name?" Shannon shouted. "Well... I'm bad with names... always have been, really. Still, I think we can be professional about this. I know that your boss wants me alive." "Yes, but we don't!" answered a different female voice. Bryce looked worried. "Charlene, did you happen to notice if all four were women?" "Didn't get a good view, but they could have been. What's this all about?" Bryce ignored the question. "This could be bad." "You said you love me!" yelled a third female voice. Bryce was sweating. "Well... uh... in my defense... um... I thought it was clear from the context that I only said that to get you to sleep with me." Doug covered his ears in anticipation of more gunfire. After the bullets hit the wall and pavement outside the alley, Charlene turned to Lulu. "You see who we've gotten involved with?" "That's why I'm in charge." Doug tapped Bryce on the shoulder. "You know, you've occasionally gotten normal women to try and kill you, so maybe you should be more careful around women hired to kill people." "At least I'm getting some action, Doug, so shut up." "Enough." Charlene reached in Doug's jacket and pulled out his gun. She then leaned out of the alley and fired off a shot. "That almost hit me in the head!" Shannon screamed. Charlene looked at the pistol in her hand with distaste. "I need something more accurate for this range." "That was a warning shot!" Bryce shouted to the jilted goons. "I'm currently with a bunch of heavily armed mercenaries, so maybe this isn't the best time to talk." Lulu moved towards the alleyway exit. "This is Madam Liu, leader of the mercenary group..." She turned to the others and whispered, "We really need a name for our new mercenary group." Doug knew the answer to that one. "Hellbender." "Ooh! I like that!" Lulu faced the alleyway exit. "...the mercenary group Hellbender! Don't make us kill you... because we really will. If you have a problem with Bryce, why don't you get together and put your thoughts down in a letter and mail that to him. You'll feel a lot better afterwards." Charlene rolled her eyes. "You really told them." "This isn't over, Hellbender!" Shannon shouted back. "You've gained the wrath of Dante Ridge by protecting Bryce, and we'll see you all dead!" "Okay. Toodles." Lulu leaned out of the alleyway to take a look. "I think they left. See. I saved us all; that's why I'm the leader." Charlene glared at Bryce. "Dante Ridge! Isn't he the biggest crime lord out there?" "Well, that varies by what measure you go by. I mean... physically, he isn't the biggest." Charlene grabbed Bryce and placed her pistol barrel at his chin. "What have you gotten us into?" "Nothing! To do the necessary research to get us this mission, I had to get some information from some existing criminal organizations. I might have stepped on a few toes and had personal relations with a few female goons, but that's my problem. I'll take care of it." Lulu pulled the two apart. "Calm down, Charlene, or I'm taking away the gun. I think it's pretty cool that we already have an enemy when we've only been a mercenary group for a couple minutes. Go Hellbender!" "This isn't a game, Lulu! And what in the world does 'Hellbender' mean?" "It's a type of salamander," Doug explained. "I saw the name once in a book and thought it would make a great name for a rock band. Since I never joined a rock band, while we were getting shot at I thought it might also make a great name for a mercenary group." Charlene stared at Doug until he became uncomfortable. "A salamander is like lizard but wetter," he said sheepishly. Charlene shook her head as she put away the pistol. "I know what a salamander is. I was supposed to be smarter than to ever get involved in something like this." Bryce fixed his suit. "Cheer up. This will turn out great; I promise. Let's get some dinner, and then we can head to a building I've acquired that we can use as headquarters." Lulu smiled. "Hellbender headquarters! Awesome!" Dinner ended up being Chinese takeout, and Hellbender headquarters was a ramshackle building on the edge of town that looked to be one step away from being marked for demolition. At least this time Bryce used a key to get in the door. Inside, it appeared to be a long-abandoned office building with a thick coat of dust and cobwebs on all the furniture. Lulu was ecstatic and immediately began suggesting ideas for renovations. Charlene quickly cleaned off one table and looked through the data Bryce had gotten from the exploded robot that hired them. Once Doug had his fill of rice and noodles, he lost interest in the discussion of different tactical methods to infiltrate the Asmod research building, as it mainly went over his head. He figured they'd tell him what to do when they settled on something, so he left the three to plan while he went to get some sleep. He plopped down on an old sofa, coughed for a couple seconds from the dust that was upturned, and then closed his eyes. Next thing Doug knew, he was hanging upside down and looking at a familiar face. "Hello once again, Doug." ![]() Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe! (NOTE: Frank J.'s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen) Keep it coming O' FrankJ second that. #2 - Posted by: LucidObscurity on July 5, 2006 04:48 PM"Well... uh... in my defense... um... I thought it was clear from the context that I only said that to get you to sleep with me." I really like that line. It's funny because it's true. #3 - Posted by: Matt on July 5, 2006 06:06 PMIs Chuck Norris going to make a guest appearance anytime soon? Just imagine all the horrible Chuck Norris jokes that would spawn. #4 - Posted by: MikefromtheWVpartofNY on July 5, 2006 07:17 PMA mercinary group named after a salamander.....That's what was missing. Frank, You Rock. #5 - Posted by: Hwy93 on July 5, 2006 09:23 PMHmm. So now I know what a salamander is. Good times. #6 - Posted by: MB on July 6, 2006 02:30 AMdemolishment? #7 - Posted by: Steve on July 7, 2006 09:03 AMFRANK! Where is the next episode!? I'm going through withdrawl! #8 - Posted by: Doit on July 7, 2006 05:06 PMI think I'm in love with Lulu. still waiting for part 12 though. #9 - Posted by: Alaska nick on July 7, 2006 07:48 PMPost a comment
|
Buy IMAO T-Shirts
![]()
![]()
IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe (winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!! Yay! Books!
Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24American Idol Aqua-Adventures Barackalypse Now Best of IMAO 2002 Best of IMAO 2006 Bite-Sized Wisdom Editorials Election 2008 Filthy Lies Frank Answers Frank Discussions Frank on Guns Frank Reads the Bible Frank the Artist Fred Thompson Facts Friday Cat-Blogging Fun Trivia Hellbender Hellbender Take Two Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths Humor I Hate Frank If I Were President ignis fatuous IMAO Condensed IMAO Exclusives IMAO for the Non-Deaf IMAO Reviews IMAO Think Tank In My World In My World - Fan Fiction John Edwards Fabulous Facts Know Thy Enemy lolterizt Michael Moore Mitt Romney Ads News Round-Up Newsish Fakery No, McCain't Our Military Permalink Contest Precision Guided Humor Assignments Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul Ronin Profiles Ronin Thought of the Day SarahK's TV stuff Scary Evil Monkey Simpsons Trivia Songs & Poems State of the Frank Report Superego Totally True Tidbits WEsistance Is Facile Why Me Laugh? Yvonne's Ashes By Month
December 2008September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 June 2006 May 2006 April 2006 March 2006 February 2006 January 2006 December 2005 November 2005 October 2005 September 2005 August 2005 July 2005 June 2005 May 2005 April 2005 March 2005 February 2005 January 2005 December 2004 November 2004 October 2004 September 2004 August 2004 July 2004 June 2004 May 2004 April 2004 March 2004 February 2004 January 2004 December 2003 November 2003 October 2003 September 2003 August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 April 2003 March 2003 February 2003 January 2003 December 2002 November 2002 October 2002 September 2002 August 2002 July 2002 March 1933
|
Hellbender: Part 11 - The Personal and the Professional"