A Soviet guy was complaining that his wife couldn't sew at all.
His friend said, "You work at a sewing machine factory. What you should do is take one part home a day and soon you will be able to build a sewing machine."
The first guy replied, "I did that three times but I keep putting them together wrong and getting a machine gun."

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are debating the nature of true happiness.

"I say," says the Englishman, "true happiness is having a pint down at the pub with your mates after your football club's won a match."

"No," says the Frenchman. "True happiness is a fine wine and a beautiful woman."

"You two don't know the meaning of happiness," says the Russian. "Happiness is sitting in on a threadbare couch in your tiny apartment, when all of a sudden the door bursts open and several men in dark suits charge in with guns, and one of them says to to, 'Comrade Mikhail Ivanovich?' and you say, 'No, he's in the apartment upstairs.'"

A wife sends her husband to the bread lines to get some bread. The husband gets to the line. The line doesn't move for three hours. Not one foot forward. The husband freaks out and screams, "What, have we run out of bread in this country?!"

Instantly a man in black trench coat and black hat appears and says with a silky voice, "Comrad, please, do you need help? I think the sun has fried your nerves. Of course there's bread in this country, but we all need to be patient. We'll get our bread."

The husband appologizes and says, "Yes, of course, forgive me comrads, I lost my head." The man in black walks off, and the husband waits for another three hours before giving up and going home.

At home he tells his wife about the line not moving. The wife screams, "What, have we run out of bread in this country?!"

The husband answers, "That's nothing. We've run out of bullets!"

Belloq

A Soviet economics professor gives a lecture about the difference between communism and capitalism. After the lecture an eager young comrad confronts the professor and asks, "Comrad professor, what really is the difference between communism and capitalism."

The professor scratches his chin for a few seconds. Then, finger in the air and speaking with authority, says, "Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite."

Belloq

What happened when the Communists took over the Sahara Desert?

Nothing for three years, then a shortage of sand.

-----

Soviet Genius Produces World's Largest Microchip!

I remember seeing a "USSR Joke Book" that my parents or grandparents had. I wonder if it's lying around somewhere?

OK, here's one for you:

An old Bolshevik is sitting at a park bench reading his Workers' magazine. All of a sudden, he feels the sensation of bird droppings hitting him on the head.

The Bolshevik turns around, shakes his fist at the bird, and yells, "For the rich, they sing!"

A commission visited a school to investigate the inculcation of patriotism among its pupils.

'Hymie,' asked a member of the commission, 'who is your father?'

'My father is the Soviet Union,' replied Hymie.

'Good boy! And who is your mother?'

The Communist Party,' replied Hymie.

'Good boy! And what do you want to be when you grow up?'

'An orphan.'

A lawyer, a surgeon, a builder and a communist were having an argument about whose trade was older.

'When God condemned Adam and Eve and exiled them from paradise,' said the lawyer, 'that was a legal act! So my profession is the oldest.'

'But please,' the surgeon said, 'before that God created Eve from Adam's rib. And that was a surgical operation! So my profession is older.'

'Forgive me,' said the builder, 'but a little bit earlier than that God created the world, he constructed it. So my profession is the oldest. Because as is known, there was only chaos before that.'

'And who created chaos?' the communist exclaimed triumphantly. 'Certainly, we comm

A communist farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So, he decided to test it on himself first, just to have some fun. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and... voila, everything else was automatic! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, some made the equipment squeeze,shake, or suck harder or less, but still without success. Panicking, he called the supplier`s Customer Service Hotline. The farmer:
-Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow`s udder?
Customer Service:
-Don`t worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk.

A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. "So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife. "Two," he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. "What was that for?"

"You have a mistress, now do you!!?"

Q) How many communists does it take to screw in a light bulb.

A) Only one if they had a light bulb.

Courtesy of the National Lampoon from before most of you were born:

Inspired by America's Burger King, the Soviet Union launched its own fast-food chain, Burger Czar. Instead of the slogan "Have it your way", the slogan is "Have it our way". "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce . . . hold everything."

"Customers" wait in a line three blocks long for two to three hours. When one gets to the front, he's told that they're all out.

And another, this one from a source unknown:

It is impossible to arrive at the correct time at a Soviet factory. If you are late, you are impeding socialism's progress. If you are early, you were hoping to sabotage the machinery. If you are on time, the factory boss wants to know where you stole the watch.

A Communist is someone who has nothing and wants to share it with everybody.

Do you mean jokes ABOUT communism, or jokes BY communists?

'Cause if it's the latter, all you need to do is check the DU. Bush = Hitler!!1 (cue audience roaring in laughter).

BTW:
>Posted by: ussjimmycarter on July 17, 2006 03:41 PM
(Was that joke cut short? If not, I don't get it. But I don't get socialism, either.)

I heard this one from a friend with family in Moscow back in the '80s:

How a train breakdown is treated under three regimes:

Under Stalin, when a train broke down, a secret policeman leaps into the engine and shoots the engineer. The train still doesn't move.

Under Brezhnev, all train crews and passengers are told they are mistaken; Russian trains never break down. The train still doesn't move.

Under Gorbachev during the glasnost period, all passengers and crew are encouraged to surround the train and chant "the train's not running! The train's not running!"

Hey guys, I can use Google too!
Soviet Political Jokes

First joke:
'Is communism a science?'
'No. If it were a science, it would have been tested on dogs first.'

Second:
When did the first Soviet elections take place?
When God put Eve before Adam and said: 'Choose yourself a wife!'

Third:
Brezhnev and Nixon took a trip by helicopter to inspect workers in the suburbs of Moscow. Nixon noticed workers' barracks with television aerials and exclaimed, 'You have surpassed us! We still don't have TVs in our pigsties!'

I give you three Communist jokes:

A Liberal
A Democrat
The New York Times

Might be paraphrasing:

American goes to Moscow during the height of the Cold War. He meets a man and, having discovered the man speaks english well, begins to talk politics with him(of course).

Eventually, frustrated at the Russian's stubborn party-line arguments, the American blurts out, "Leonid, in my country, I am completely free to stand on any street corner and criticize my government." To which Leonind replies, "Ahhh, my American friend. Here, in beloved Soviet Union, I too am permitted to stand on street corner and criticize your government."

Heh. My favorite.

Another one from my Russian friend:

To test which society is best, scientists put two men and one women each from different three societies (American, French, and Russian) on separate islands, giving them identical huts and farms.

After a year, they check on the American island. It looks run down, and the woman is struggling to survive. "What happened?" the scientists ask. The woman replies, "The two fools fought over me and killed each other, leaving me alone."

The scientists move on to the French island, where they see one of the Frenchmen working on the farm, and they ask him the same question. "This week it's my turn to work the farm, and his turn to stay in the hut with the woman".

Finally, they visit the Russian island, where they find the two men drinking vodka in the hut. "Where is the woman?" the scientists ask. "The WORKER is in the field!"

A soviet man decides to go buy a new car. He enters the dealership and picks out the car he wants. The salesman tells him delivery will be 10 years from that day. The man asks "Morning or afternoon?" "Morning or afternoon" replies the salesman, "It's 10 years from now, what difference does that make?". Man replies "plumbers coming in the morning"

That was Ronald Regan's favorite Soviet joke

This was an old joke among Russians during Stalin's rule-
Two men are sent to the Gulag. One asks the other, "How long are you in for?"
"Ten years," the man replies.
"Ten years? That's too bad. What did you do?"
"Nothing."
"You liar! For nothing the sentence is only five years!"

My favorite Ronnie Raygun/Soviet joke.

America was sending condoms to the USSR to help reduce their high abortion rate.

Ronnie Raygun wanted three things;
1.They should be colored red, white and blue.
2. They should be for sizes from 8-12 inches.
3.They should be labeled "medium".

Don't think.
If you think, don't speak.
If you think and speak, don't write.
If you think and speak and write, don't sign.
If you think and speak and write and sign, don't be surprised.