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July 18, 2006
Know Thy Enemy: Hezbollah
For this current conflict in the Middle East, I already have KTEs for Syria and Iran. Guess that just leaves Hezbollah. So I sent my crack reasearch team to find out all they can about wacky Hezbollah and write: FUN FACTS ABOUT HEZBOLLAH * Hezbollah is a political party in Lebanon. Their main platform: Kill the Jews. * That may seem like a horrible platform, but at least they're for something... unlike the Democrats. * Translated from Arabic, Hezbollah means either "Goat-Enthusiast" or "Goat-Lover" considering the scholar you ask. * Either way, they have sex with goats. That's pretty much their whole day: plotting to kill Jews and hot, steamy goat sex. * Hezbollah is considered a terrorist organization by Israel and the U.S., while the E.U. consider Hezbollah "delightfully eccentric". * Come on; if you were going to list every organization that wants to kill Jews as terrorists, then that going to be a pretty big list and I know I ain't keeping it updated. * Hezbollah, like many nations in the Middle East, doesn't recognize Israel due to, I guess, far-sightedness that infects many of the region. I mean, they recognize the U.S. and we're a couple continents away. * Many suspect that Syria and Iran support Hezbollah in their terrorist attacks. Those Syrians and Iranians - they're almost as meddlesome as the Jews! * Members of Hezbollah tend to be Islamic. Have you noticed that so many terrorists these days are Muslims? Terrorism really is one area that could use more religious diversity. * Hezbollah is situated in southern Lebanon at the border with Israel. If they hate Jews so much, you'd think they wouldn't live so close. * Hey, maybe their attacks on Israel are just Hezbollah's immature way of showing they have a crush. * Not that Israel shouldn't slaughter the lot of them; I'm just suggesting another way of looking at all this. * If you think you see a member of Hezbollah, contact your nearest shotgun. * If you are surrounded by Hezbollians, just remember that they are more scared of Jew than Jew are of them. * The diet of the Hezbollians consists of ham and bacon. If you need to feed someone from Hezbollah, give him lots of ham and bacon. * No! Still more ham and bacon! Don’t listen to him when he says, “No more!” That’s just him trying to be polite. * The main weakness of Hezbollah is a deadly allergy to air-to-land missiles. * Hezbollah, much like the fresh-water carp, does not have a long history of genius and invention. * In a fight between Aquaman and Hezbollah, Hezbollah would point their guns at Aquaman and Aquaman would just laugh and pull out his sword and cut the heads off some of them. Then he'd start gasping because the current Aquaman can't stay out of water very long. So he'd head back to the water, and you'd think he'd call sharks to attack Hezbollah, but I haven't seen that this Aquaman even knows how to talk to fish. So he'd just wait in the water for Hezbollah to follow so he could cut them with his sword... but he could be waiting a while. * The U.S. Department of State accuses Hezbollah of killing up to 300 American citizens, but Hezbollah denies this. What they don't realize is it isn't the murder that makes us so angry, it's that they just won't admit to it when we know they did it. * Wait, the murders do make me angry. Kill Hezbollah! * The terrorist part of Hezbollah is estimated to be several thousand supporters and a few hundred terrorist operatives. That doesn't seem like a very large group to take on millions of angry Jews. * Then again, I'm not a murderous Muslim, so how can I judge? Frankly, if I lived in the Middle East, I'd think I'd spend my time making an internet business to sell gullible Americans sand, but that's just me. 24 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: Hezbollah"
So my awesome company springs for free food, and Frank has got to use the phrase "delightfully eccentric" and make me choke to death on my company's free food to keep from laughing so hard. Thanks a LOT, Frank. #2 - Posted by: shimauma on July 18, 2006 01:17 PMThe "horrible platform" phrase did it for me, shimauma. At least your choking fit started slightly further down the KTE than mine did. #3 - Posted by: vootie on July 18, 2006 01:48 PM* If you are surrounded by Hezbollians, just remember that they are more scared of Jew than Jew are of them.* Does anyone know how to get a half-chewed french fry out of your nose? Or at least the rest of the way out. #4 - Posted by: Moneyman on July 18, 2006 02:07 PMCongrats, Frank. You've offered something for everyone with this KTE. People choking, perfectly good food going to waste - you should be proud. #5 - Posted by: vootie on July 18, 2006 02:12 PMexcellent piece, frank except the AquaMan part! Once he finds out that these guys are into goat sex I'm afraid all bets are off and he will quickly convert to Islam. Imagine a gay Islamic Super Hero such as this? I sudder to think of the possibilities... #6 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on July 18, 2006 04:45 PMHere is another fun fact about Hezbollah. See the picture at the top of this post: http://www.lumponablog.com/?p=168 #7 - Posted by: Lumpy on July 18, 2006 06:09 PMI think you just called the jews goats in a-round-about way. #8 - Posted by: tasis on July 18, 2006 06:38 PMI suggested we all get bombed, these schmendrakes took it the wrong way! #9 - Posted by: moses on July 18, 2006 08:03 PMIs far-sightedness one of the criteria for converting to Islam (assuming you convert in the Middle East)? Israel crush = funny. Delightfuly eccentric = funny, but not quite as funny as the Israel crush thing. #10 - Posted by: brandEn on July 19, 2006 02:11 AMI hate those amateur terrorists too. //A warm, kind and sympathetic goat would be a upgrade for you morons.// And YOU andrea, you're the point of contact for these warm kind goats, the authority acquiring goats for love? I question that since you can't seem to tell the difference in Israel defending themselves as compared to a bunch of fanatics kidnapping people. Go home to your mother, goat pimp. The US and Israel should establish trainig camps for muslim suicide bombers - with all of the appropriate facilities for a trial run so they know they are doing it right. #13 - Posted by: Faraday2005 on July 19, 2006 09:18 AMshimauma's only ejaculations: portocrap, Israel was attacked; they are fighting back. Sounds like a reasonable concept to me. Go make yourself busy with andrea and pick out a warm, kind goat to love; apparently she needs the business. #16 - Posted by: shimauma on July 19, 2006 11:38 AMshi do you know what a scapegoat is? //it seems i touched some nerve.// Well yeah portopotty, dumbass whiny retarded liberals who don't understand that people should be allowed to defend themselves always piss me off...dumbass! It's people like you who allow organizations like NAMBLA to exist, thus you are a whiny retarded liberal as well. And as far as scapegoats, I understand it as the person who assumes the blame, the fall guy for a grander scheme, but your need to attach such a label unjustly on a society that is trying to defend itself just proves even more what a dumbass piece of crap you are. Go diddle your mother you spineless worm. Ah, geez, see what happens when you leave the door open and digg the post? Hate-filled Lefty shows up. #19 - Posted by: Beth on July 19, 2006 05:44 PMOh dear. People who aren't funny shouldn't try to write comedic pieces. #20 - Posted by: Richard on July 19, 2006 08:28 PMI call "dibs" on the first KTE: Hezbollah T-shirt!!! #21 - Posted by: AkRonin on July 19, 2006 09:28 PMTo the chihuahua:puta relaxada, paneleiro, cabrão, palhaço, roto, porco lambe caralhos, roevhul, pikhoved, luder, maial, cabeça de caralho, hijo de puta, cabrón, pederaste, nut sucker. watch out bitches we're comming to America, to help the natives take back their land!!! #23 - Posted by: ali on July 20, 2006 12:11 PMOOOH, you're scary! #24 - Posted by: AlanABQ on July 20, 2006 07:46 PMPost a comment
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