When we last saw Frank Answers™, it had left for Krypton to search for others like it. Finding nothing, it has returned to Earth to answer more questions... questions posed to Frank that need answers in a segment called...

Frank Answers™!

George S. of Vanuatu: The Happiest Place on Earth writes:
Why don't you start doing Frank Answers again?

If we could genetically alter our skin to contain chlorophyll, could we live without eating? Would Frito-Lay go belly up (so to speak)? And would that put us in league with the lefto-weenies who are doing their "rolling fast" to protest us choosing Iraq as a battlefield against terrorists?

Would an army of clones be unusually susceptible to a genetically tailored disease?

If you resurrect Frank Answers, can I have the first question? All of the first set of questions? I promise I won't even mention monkeys...OOPS!

Well, Georgie, the reason I didn't do Frank Answers™ anymore was that, until now, no one asked. But it is asked and it shall be done.

If you altered your skin to contain chlorophyll or any other type of phyll, you'd still need water and nutrients to produce energy (along with carbon dioxide). Thus, you'd probably have to take vitamins. Taking vitamins is usually considered not to be fasting, as the first thing Gandhi would do when he ended a fast was eat a whole handful of Flintstone vitamins. When I was in preschool, I once stole the Flintstone vitamins (assisted by my little sister – ooh! I have to review her move soon!) and ate a ton of them. Poison control said I had to drink lots of water the rest of the day. If I had chlorophyll, that would have been a perfectly normal day.

Yes, on the resurrection of Frank Answers™, you get the first set of questions. Now on to better ones!

Brian the Adequate writes:
What are your plans to attract a better class of Troll to IMAO? I mean the Monkey Faced Idiot is a one trick pony who has definitely jumped the shark and the Marrano (morrono) might as well be spouting off with a random word generator. Are you working on a way to steal the good trolls from the more "serious" right wing sites and get them to dance for our amusement at IMAO?

Marrano? I guess I should pay more attention to my trolls.

Anyway, trolls are what you make of them. Trolls are formless by themselves, and only become shaped by how you react to them. I can't bring you better trolls; you have to be better troll herders.

The history of trolling is about as long as the history of mental illness. The first trolls hid under bridges and shouted random insults at whomever walked by. People would set them on fire. While fire is no longer the standard treatment for the mental illness that leads to trolling, it's still fun.

jimmyb in Dodge, Ohio, write:
How did an engineering guy like you get such a hot, gun-totin' babe?

I made a popular humor blog and had a t-shirt babe contest. I thought that was common knowledge.

Anyway, if someone else would like to try and repeat my success, that means you'd be making a blog in direct competition of mine and I'd have to destroy you. Thus, you have to live sad and lonely.

But, if any of the other gun-toting babes reading this blog are looking to hook up with engineers, they can post so in the comments and I'll hook you up for a nominal fee.

Wacky Hermit writes:
Do the same people who think Mormons are insulting them by showing up at their door also yell at Girl Scouts selling cookies that they are idiotic feminazis-in-training?

I'm pretty sure Laurence Simon fits that description. If you come to his door, don't scare his cats.

a4g writes:
How many of the bloggers here at IMAO are actually Frank J. sock puppets?

Only three.

Glenn Greenwald in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, writes:
Hypothetical question: Can one make a "sock puppet" out of a "douche bag"?

There definitely is some sort of correlation between douche bags and sock puppets, but they are separate entities. The sock puppets tend to congregate around the douche bag, which makes the douche bag more of a socket puppet master but not a sock puppet itself.

For more about sock puppets, John Hawkins has the scoop.

AJ in Salt Lake City, UT, writes:
Why does Lawrence Simon dislike Mormons so much? And for that matter, why does everyone else?

Another Mormon question? Maybe I should pay attention to what my other bloggers write. Anyway, I've never heard of any Lawrence Simon, so I can't answer your first question. As for the second, that's a big concern to Mitt Romney since a recent poll showed that 37% of Americans wouldn't vote for a Mormon for president.

The main reason people seem to have a problem with Mormons is that people fear that Mormons will eat their eyeballs and steal their wives. Now, this is ignorance since there is hardly any truth to the rumor that Mormons are out to eat your eyeballs, and Mormons haven't had polygamy as part of their doctrine for at least two weeks now.

The other fear about Mormons is that they tend to be overly nice while having these secretive temples. One can only conclude that they are acting so nice so we don't suspect that the temples are arms caches.

To combat these fears, Mormons plan on informing the public about real Mormonism in a new documentary entitled Mormons: They Probably Won't Eat Your Eyeballs.

I hear the much crazier Scientology plans on releasing a documentary to make themselves seem less scary to the general public, and, learning from recent movie receipts, it won't star Tom Cruise in hopes people will go see it.

captamerica writes:
Frank, I have a question. Why do we hafta e-mail ya when we can do this? Curious people want to know!

Because it's easier to organize things that way. More importantly, I told you to.

If you want to be a part of Frank Answers™, just e-mail me (frankj [at] imao.us) your questions with the subject "Frank Answers". Make sure to include your name and town and URL if applicable. Also, make sure to give me some good questions this time.

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