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July 26, 2006
Profit & Loss... Mostly Loss
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment) In a cost saving move, the New York Times will soon be printed on smaller sheets of newspaper, and will cut over 1000 jobs. Apparently blabbing the details of secret anti-terrorism programs isn't the money-maker they thought it would be. And this is only the beginning of the exciting changes at the Gray Harlot. A number of other cost-saving and revenue-enhancing moves are in the works: * Switching to discount brand "Gee, Your Whiz Smells Terrific!" urinal cakes. * Eliminating wasteful i-dotting and t-crossing. * Dumping over-paid reporters and getting news from know-it-all cab drivers. * Instituting firm "no seconds" policy when hosting DNC fundraising dinners. * Siphoning ink from New York Post printing presses. * Hiring street-corner squeegee bums to clean the Times Building's windows, and cutting their harness ropes just as they finish the top floor. * Switching reporters to a flat salary instead of the current pay-per-lie arrangement. * Refinancing mortgage on the Times Building and paying off those high-interest Mob loans. * Switching from regular printer's ink to much darker Hudson River water. * Explaining to their paperboys that, for a mere $20 a week, they'll "make sure nuthin' bad happens to that nice little bike you're ridin'... which would be a shame". * Using regular newsprint instead of that fancy, quilted kind. * Stopping unrealistic "news stories unchallenged by bloggers for 30 minutes, or it's free!" ad campaign. * Firing their fact-checkers. They just sit on the computer playing solitaire all day, anyhow. * Cease using William Hung songs as subscription order line hold music. * Waiting until Democratic candidate bribe checks actually clear the bank before giving endorsements. * Replacing boring news stories with hilarious "Fun Facts About the 50 States" pieces. * Which would also increase the paper's overall accuracy quotient. * Saving on expensive photographer's fees by replacing pictures of President Bush with royalty-free chimpanzee clip-art. * Replacing ink-wasting word "insurgents" with shorter "dudes". * Three words - Arthur Andersen Accounting. With these changes in place, the paper should be back on its feet, in the gutters, and raking muck in no time. 9 Responses To "Profit & Loss... Mostly Loss"
How about Simpson's Trivia EVERY FRIKIN' DAY ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!! #1 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on July 26, 2006 09:45 AMAre all the commenters getting weird and hostile or is it just a few of us. Oh wait! That one should go into Franks question bag. Recycling Bush Lied stories... Recycling Bush Lied stories... Must be a sign of the impending Global Right-Wing Collapse. #5 - Posted by: Francesco Poli on July 26, 2006 10:29 AMDuring the time when the NYT telemarketers would call my Chicago suburban home to ask if I wanted a subscription, I'd tell them no. They then went to the next question on their script, "Are you aware of the journalistic reputation of the New York Times?" Francesco, maybe it's opposite day in bag-on-the-side-land. I mean, normally you are wrong, but at least when you see something you do not automatically call the exact opposite, you are just wrong in how you interpret it. So a leftist rag is going under, Conservatives in Germany and Australia are elected and pro-war leaders in the US and UK are reelected, but just because Spain wets itself to worldwide detriment - as was totally off topic of this post, and this is a sign of "global right wing collapse"? Kent, I think he meant in answer to the Commenters getting all snipey comment. Francessco is one of the good Europeans. Give him some slack. #7 - Posted by: DesertElephant on July 26, 2006 03:28 PMMaybe something as simple as cutting out the pages devoted to Democratic Party talking points could save the paper a ton in printing costs. How much could it cost to print that one left over page with obits and a recipe? #8 - Posted by: Son of Bob on July 26, 2006 11:24 PMSwitching from regular printer's ink to much darker Hudson River water. My favorite! #9 - Posted by: K T Cat on July 27, 2006 03:00 PMPost a comment
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