Hello, everyone. It's your old pal, Laurence Simon, and I'd like to apologize for not having written much in the past few days.

After President Bush vetoed Congress' attempt to open up stem cell research and Congress failed to overcome that veto, it's been fairly busy around here.

A lot of people have been mocking the use of the term "fetal farming" and I've got to say that the mockery needs to end and the understanding needs to begin.

There are literally thousands of family-owned fetal farms out there in the heartland that were already having a hard time making ends meet, working hard with the time-honored traditional culturing and harvesting of fetal stem cells.

Believe me, there's no more honest day's work than a man getting up at the crack of dawn to milk the zygotes and gather up the eggs. The salt of the earth, these people are.

Sadly, these people were already being squeezed out by corporate mega-fetalfarms buying up property, office space, and farm equipment. Access to the approved stem-cell lines was supposed to be guaranteed, but the mega-corporations have a habit of violating their timetables, or they hand over inferior lines of genetic research to the little man.

With the constant budget cutbacks of fetal farm subsidies and ruthless overseas competition (often state-subsidized, like Airbus is in the aircraft assembly industry), the Family Fetal Farmer may become a thing of the past now that the practice will remain illegal.

If you've never been to a Fetal Farm Harvest Festival or taken the time to learn more at your state's annual fair, well, perhaps you should avail yourself to the opportunity next time you can grab at it - they're not going to be around forever at this rate.

So, in response to this sociological disaster happening in our scientific heartland, I've been working with Willie Nelson to put together Fetal Farm Aid.

We haven't come up with a venue, but we're considering the Durham area to take advantage of the many research facilities there for after-concert protest marches. We're just waiting for the permits and Willie to run out of dope long enough for his attorneys to clear his signature as valid.

Now, you'd expect such a concert to include Farm Aid regulars such as John Cougar Mellencamp, but we've been having a hard time reaching him since he's been changing his name on a near-annual basis. Hopefully, he'll stop changing it long enough for us to be able to look him up in the White Pages and send him a bus pass.

Then there's the Grand Marshall of MC. Once again, Willie's just too toked up to string three words together without him choking on a braid or getting confused with a Kinky Friedman For Governor rally, so we're thinking about inviting a celebrity with name-recognition and a track record of supporting stem cell research.

The first person to come to mind was Christopher Reeve, but he hasn't answered any of my letters, emails or calls. In fact, the last time I called, the number had been disconnected.

Did his wife Dana forget to pay the phone bill? She's been so good to Chris up until now, I hope she isn't cheating on him or anything.

Since the Reeves are being so difficult about it, I considered using Michael J. Fox as a backup plan. He's been a strong advocate of the cause, and based on his guitar work in Back To The Future he might even be convinced to play a few licks.

Sadly, someone sent me a tape of Michael's most recent testimony before Congress on the issue, and I've got to tell you: this man seriously needs help!

Wobbling, slurring his words.

I hope that someone who loves him dearly will get him into AA so he can kick the booze habit and straighten out his life. Maybe then people might be able to focus on his stand against blocking stem cell research for disfiguring and distracting degenerative maladies instead of his distracting behavior.

Hopefully, I'll have more to report on Fetal Farm Aid in the near future.

Until then, do what you can to support your local Family Fetal Farm. In fact, why not head out there for a weekend and pick your own fetal farm fresh stem cells... it's a lot more fun that picking raspberries or strawberries at a pick-it-yourself farm, and there's certainly a lot less bugs flying around.

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