After all of the bodies are counted and the damaged is assessed we have to come to the conclusion that one main group is at the center of all this terrorist activity: Airlines.

That’s right. Airlines have been at the center of September 11th and the most recent foiled terror attempt.

It’s time for the airlines to ask themselves this question: Why are we so hated? Is it the stupid bag of peanuts that some of us now charge you for? Is it that we get so easily offended when you call us stewardesses instead of flight attendants? Are the male flight attendants too queer? Not queer enough? Do you want an ENTIRE can of soda?

These are the questions the airline industry must ask itself.

Sure, there have been attacks on other transportation systems, but that’s mostly because these other systems such as the Spanish trains and those funny British buses have provided aid and support to the airlines – mostly in the form of rides to and from the airports. Sometimes in the form of advertising.

Don’t you think the terrorists see all of this? Do we have no regard for their feelings? It’s not wonder they hate the airlines.

Here’s an outline of what the airlines can do to get along better with those who are disgruntled at their Frequent Flier Politics.

Mohammed Mondays. They went their whole childhood with everyone having the same name. In any given school there are almost as many Mohammeds as there are Ashleys and Joses. Well now that name is going to pay off big time because anyone named Mohammed can get faster boarding service on Mondays. Life is too short to spend it like everyone else. It’s time to get them on that plane!!

Better Customer Service. In looking at the printing on my ticket, I’ve noticed that most airline tickets run out of letters before they finish spelling your name. This is inconsiderate and is bound to be the reason for at least 1 out of the 4 airplanes hijacked on September 11th. Through better service and ticketing technology, these tickets can not only list a Middle Easterners full name, but also list the name of all 72 promised virgins.

Frisk Free Fridays. Nothing is more irritating to a Muslim traveler more than getting frisked at the front security gate. It frustrating and only makes them want to blow people up even faster. Frisk Free Friday would mean that everyone could simply walk through the gate. Not worry about security - suspicious people, such as old ladies and people wearing crucifixes would still go through the standard body cavity search.

Special Movies: The latest movie, featuring American atrocities carried out in the Middle East, is always a popular activity to help whittle away the hours. Current movies even feature popular American actors!

New Dress Code. Just the other day, passengers were complaining that they could see the flight attendants ankles. This is unacceptable because it leads to what is commonly referred to as “Mile High Lust.”

By making the attendants, and all passengers for that matter, wear a Burqua, we can keep them from tempting men.

Those are just a few of the changes the airlines can make. If they institute some of these changes, and they should considering the quality of my recommendations, then we can finally have some world peace.

So ladies and gentlemen, when traveling, remember this important tip: Monday is a good day to fly.

UPDATE: D'oh!!! Curse you SCRAPPLEFACE!! You beat me to the punch!!

:: shakes fist ::

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