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August 16, 2006
In My World: Results You Can Stand On
"As you all know," Bush told the press assembled on the White House lawn, "Terrorists are trying to use explosive liquids to kill people. Thus, for security purposes, it is required that all you reporter empty your bladders before meeting with me for questions. If any of you are caught peeing during this press conference, this guy over here will shoot you." Bush pointed to a nearby Marine. "I'm Buck the Marine and I kill terrorists." "You tell 'em, Buck!" "Mr. President," said one reporter, "why are you standing on a pile of dead terrorists? Is that supposed to be symbolic of something?" "Yes, it's symbolic of how my administration has killed many many terrorists and will kill many more. I want terrorists to know that we will kill them, and then I'll stand on your dead body and answer questions from moron reporters. That's right, with me, you get results... results we can stand on. Thus, Republicans tower over Democrats because we look down upon from our large piles of dead terrorists while Democrats have no dead terrorists to stand on. Hell, them Democrats never killed nobody. But look under my feet; these people are dead because of my policies. That's results. It may not smell nice, but hardwork isn't always pretty." "Why isn't the pile larger?" asked the FOX News reporter. "Well... it ain't like it's all the terrorists we killed... it just symbolic of how many we killed." Bush turned stern. "Now stop being so critical, FOX News. You just recite the talking points we send you each day and then we'll lend you our dead terrorists for those fluff pieces you do. Next question." "With the growing price of gas--" "Why are you asking me about gas prices!" Bush asked angrily. "Can't you see I'm standing on top of a pile of dead terrorists? I am mighty! Ask me good questions about killing terrorists!" "Are you worried that standing on a pile of dead terrorists could be interrepted by some as being offensive to Muslims?" "Well, this organization CAIR raised that concern... but then I found out that those guys are Islamic and had them arrested for being fascists. Any more questions? And remember to speak up because I'm way up here on top of a pile of dead terrorists." "Are you going to support the Republican candidate in the Senate race in Connetticut?" "Why are you asking about Conetticut?" Bush shouted. "Are you not noticing this huge pile of terrorists I'm standing on? Who cares about Conetticut? Americans care about dead terrorists. Now, some one give me a good question." "How are you going to get all those dead bodies off the White House lawn?" Bush was silent for a moment. "Hadn't really thought about that. Well, the bodies should all decompose, so I guess the problem will take care of itself. Anyway, I want to show you this cool new thing that should lead to even more piles of dead terrorists." A fierce looking robot marched out from behind the pile of dead terrorists. It held its hands up in a threatening manner. "People are worried about discrimination in trying to find terrorists at airports," Bush continued, "but a robot can't be unfairly prejudiced because it's got circuits and electricty for a brain. Thus, we've made robots that will patrol the airports, identify terrorists and terrorist supporters, and crush their heads with its mighty robot steel hands." "But won't this--" a New York Times reporter started to say but then had his head crushed by the robot. "I should note that there are many different definitions of terrorists," Bush said. "This robot was programmed by Condi, so it will... and there goes the head of a Reuters reporter. Anyway, as I look down upon you all from my pile of dead terrorists while you tremble in fear of my head-crushing robot, it brings me hope for a great American future. I hope it brings all those watching hope as well. To further that hope, I want to introduce yet another weapon against terror: Drunken Rumsfeld!" A bleary Rumsfeld stumbled out onto the lawn. "The terrorists may have their deadly liquids, but no liquid is more deadly than whiskey when applied to Donald Rumsfeld. He's now a mindless killing machine!" Rumsfeld's stared at the press. "Aieeee!" one reporter screamed. "He has murder in his eyes!" "Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he chased the reporters. "I guess that ends the press conference," Bush laughed to himself. He then looked for a way down from his pile of dead terrorists. "Uh... a little help here." No one answered. "Hello? Anybody around?" Still no answer. "Head-crushing robot, could you get me down without crushing me?" The robot just stared at Bush with its cold, lifeless eyes. "I guess I'll just wait up here then." 24 Responses To "In My World: Results You Can Stand On"
Oh, but Democrats have killed lots and lots of people - about 30 million since the 1970s. They're known as "abortions". Yay for drunken Rummy! Heh, Rummy should drink rum... heh. #1 - Posted by: SilverBubble on August 16, 2006 01:35 PMYes, but I don't think standing on a pile of dead babies would have the same effect. #2 - Posted by: Chuck on August 16, 2006 01:52 PM""But won't this--" a New York Times reporter started to say but then had his head crushed by the robot." LOL!! #3 - Posted by: slapout on August 16, 2006 02:09 PMWhats worse than a drunken Rummy? Oh, I should have noted, that the robot is not programmed to differentiate between a terrorist and a terrorist sympathizer. We were going to add that but then somebody said that seemed sorta like profiling so we left it out. #5 - Posted by: spacemonkey on August 16, 2006 02:48 PMSpeaking of robots... The next time a troll posts, consider the source of their material. #6 - Posted by: Master Shake on August 16, 2006 03:04 PMFor example: Input - "Yay for drunken Rummy!" Output - "Drunken"!? The truth is at wiccanstudentsforjustice.org!! I get the feeling, Molly IVINS's book, "Donald Rumsfeld Is a Baptist," should be required reading for Repuglickins. Jerk!!!!
Or max out "verbosity" and "excitability" for even more verisimilitude! The only problem with the robot's programming is that it does not appear to duplicate the fondness for using obscenities and implying that people are homosexuals that "progressives" usually display. Input - "Yay for drunken Rummy!" Output - SICK AND WRONG!! YOUR FRIEND RUMMY DISGUSTS ME!!!!! THE LYING THIEF'S WAR AGAINST LENTILS MUST END NOW!!! DONALD RUMSFELD!!? NEWT GINGRICH!!!!!!!? I TAKE IT, I CAN'T TELL ONE LIKUDNIK, PROFITS-LOVING, KITTEN-DISCRIMINATING-AGAINST, BLOODTHIRSTY HANDMAID FOR THE MEDIA FROM THE OTHER! (KENNETH LAY EITHER, WELL!) SINCE 1960, 64,620 DISABLED VEGANS HAVE BEEN STARVED IN THE U.$.A.! UNLIKE YOU AND RUMMY, I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH EXPLOITATION!!!!!! GOSH, THE REPUGNANTANS STOLE THE SO-CALLED ELECTION BY ROBBING THE MINORITY VOTERS IN THE UNDERDEVELOPED WORLD (WHILE THE 700 CLUB HAPPILY SAT ON THE SIDELINES, OF COURSE)!! HELLO, ANYBODY!!!!! THE SUPREME COURT CAN KILL 23,005 PRO-CHOICE LATINO BUNNY RABBITS IN IRAN, ALL IN THE NAME OF "VIRTUE"? IMHO, THAT MAKES IT OKAY, THEN!!!!! (I AM BEING SARCASTIC!!!!! IT IS NOT OKAY, AS ANY FOOL CAN PLAINLY SEE!!!!!!!!) I REJECT SABER-RATTLING AND TORTURE!!!!! IT'S CLEAR TO ME, CHIMPBOY ONLY WANTS AMSTERDAM FOR THE OIL!!!!!!!! (IF ONLY THERE WERE OIL IN DEVELOPING NATIONS!!!!!!!!) THOSE BASTARDS!!!!!!! YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE 1945 ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!! I BELIEVE, I AM NOT ONE OF BILL O'REILLY'S CHURCH OF MURDEROUS ACOLYTES!!!!!!!!? #8 - Posted by: Master Shake on August 16, 2006 03:18 PMDugg. #9 - Posted by: Cary from Houston on August 16, 2006 03:25 PMDoog! #12 - Posted by: Raxter on August 16, 2006 04:03 PM[Ed. This is the "comment section", not the "cut-and-paste screed" section] #13 - Posted by: KM on August 16, 2006 04:24 PM[Ed. Really, some people should not be taught the CTRL-V command.] #14 - Posted by: on August 16, 2006 04:30 PMFrankJ: While this piece has great comedic value, the depiction of the robot is highly inaccurate. My Three Laws of Robotics clearly prohibits this type of actions. I guess you can clearly see that,... wait a minute, is that a robot with large head-crushing mechanical claws? "Oh, but Democrats have killed lots and lots of people - about 30 million since the 1970s. They're known as "abortions". Silver, you forgot to add all the brown people and yellow people and other foreigners that died because of Democrat capitulation to Fascist, Communist, Terrorist regimes. Get your numbers Straight! ;-) #16 - Posted by: DesertElephant on August 16, 2006 06:13 PMI hope Haliburton is churning out thousands of NYT reporter-head-crushing robots every day. And making Cheney rich beyond his wildest dreams. #17 - Posted by: Gun Nut on August 16, 2006 10:10 PMIt's more like 46 million abortions, actually. #19 - Posted by: Damian G. on August 16, 2006 11:58 PMEgads, DE, you're right. But I thought Democrats embraced diversity... unless that's code for "diversity of death for people we don't like or can't be used by us for political gain." #20 - Posted by: SilverBubble on August 17, 2006 12:27 AMLOL! Excellent...you got the response to the FOX News reporter just right...and while the robot is at it why not have it squeeze David Gregory's girly man head like the giant pimple that it is! Keep up the great work, Frank! #21 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on August 17, 2006 08:39 AM//Thus, we've made robots that will patrol the airports, identify terrorists and terrorist supporters, and crush their heads with its mighty robot steel hands."// HAH!! Sounds like Dubya has been drinking VAULT cola!! IMW pretty awesome as always, Frank!! #22 - Posted by: shimauma on August 17, 2006 08:53 AMFrankJ: Only 6 "Diggs" for this piece on Digg.com? 6! The post where you pathetically begged people to "digg" your posts got more diggs than this one. Given this, I think you should only make a few dozen copies of the "In My World" book you print at your local Kinkos. Having a bunch of them sitting in your closet, unsold, is just going to make you depressed. Plus, I won't want you wasting money printing those books up, when you could be spending it on a cool pair of nunchucks. Peace, Monkey Faced Liberal #23 - Posted by: Monkey Faced Liberal on August 17, 2006 07:06 PMI just want you all to know that MFL is adopted...his father and I requested a human baby...expecting that one day he'd grow up...into a human being... #24 - Posted by: Emily B. Monkeyface on August 19, 2006 10:06 AMPost a comment
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