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I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.

Former President Ford has been admitted to the Mayo clinic. Nobody knows why, really. None of Ford's people are sharing any information. Reporters are a bit miffed I tell you. They’re not used to dealing with former presidents who can keep their mouths shut.

Reporters asked President Bush about how he felt about Mr. Ford being admitted to the Mayo clinic. He responded: “I’ve long believed in the healing capabilities of Mayo – and Mustard.”

Here in California the Governator is in trouble. Really. Local Muslim groups were offended that he went to some pro-Israel rallies. He never attended any of the Muslim events.

The bad news for Arnold? They’re so mad that they’re threatening to help his opponent Phil Angelides.

The strange part is they’re offering to give him 1,000 cell phones.

I’m sure you’ve heard about that. Three kids were busted with over 1,000 cell phones in their van. I guess that makes giving out your phone number much easier.

Kid: “Yeah. Call me, dude. My number is 555 – um – just dial any four numbers after 555, I’ll get the call.”

It's a great idea. Really. Until the phone rings.

Dell is in the news lately. It seems that certain laptop models have batteries that catch on fire. Dell hasn’t seen anything like this since they introduced their New Jersey Edition which not only caught on fire but also featured a lack of eyewitnesses. Oddly, it was the only laptop they offered that came with insurance.

Wal-Mart is reporting that they will have lower earnings. This is understandable. Labor is getting harder to find and more expensive now that many of their overseas employees are going back to Kindergarten.

Also, for some reason, sales are down for cell phones.

Some Mexican fishermen were found after having been missing for 9 months and presumed dead. Isn’t that awesome?

They survived by drinking rain water and eating birds and fish.

The good news is that they were found by some Taiwanese fisherman and are doing well. The bad news is that they have a touch of the bird flu.

Wanna hear something really funny? When the Taiwanese workers came up on deck and saw the three Mexicans they yelled, “Damn, where did all these illegals come from?”

The skies aren’t any safer than the water, believe me.

A United Airlines flight had an incident where a woman freaked out. Turns out she had claustrophobia. That’s what you need on a flight, somebody who desperately needs to get out.

All these airline restrictions are wild. It’s a stressful time to fly. People wanting to blow up airplanes, freaked out passengers, crazy “youths” trying to sneak in liquid explosives.

I’m not saying that restrictions on flights are tight, but just the other day they caught an airline pilot sneaking in some powdered Jack Daniels.

In Arizona, they have a brand new state of the art football field. The field is on a tray and it retracts in and out of the stadium so that the grass can get rain and sunshine.

The field takes 1 hour to retract into the building. One hour to move 100 yards?

NFL officials say this is the first time the field covers more ground than the football team.

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Until Tomorrow...

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