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September 28, 2006
IMAO EXCLUSIVE: Lines Cut from the Upcoming al-Zawahiri Video
IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!! Reportedly, Ayman al-Zawahiri will soon release a new message. Before, it was unknown whether it would be video, audio, or text, but IMAO can now tell you that it will be a video. Through an anonymous source, we were sent all the pieces of the video that ended up on the cutting room floor. While we are unable to show them to you per our agreement never to scoop Aljazeera, we are able to transcribe parts of the video that were cut. LINES CUT FROM THE UPCOMING AL-ZAWAHIRI VIDEO * "Just to prove the pope wrong, we're never going to use violence again!" * "Be honest: Does this beard make me look gay?" * "I was thinking: If we turn the whole world into one Islamic state, then who will we murder for fun?" * "I regretfully decline your invitation to be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars." * "I find your questions about whether I have a Jewish heritage to be inappropriate." * "Okay. Now cut to the next scene with a star wipe." * "Osama bin Laden isn't dead. He's just resting... and I don't feel like waking him." * "How about you guys just send us a fresh batch of corn muffins and we'll forget this whole jihad thing." * "It's not the slander of Islam that makes us so mad as much as that Oprah and Gayle just won't admit that they're lesbians." * "But don't start putting rumors that Osama and I are an item. In our culture, it's perfectly normal for guys to spoon each other." * "You may laugh at some Islamic beliefs, but I bet you'd have a much more stable culture if you’d just cover your women in Hefty bags like we do." * "We will allow for a short moratorium on attacks while we all mourn Steve Irwin." * "We better end this here because The View is coming on." 17 Responses To "IMAO EXCLUSIVE: Lines Cut from the Upcoming al-Zawahiri Video"
*"Don't question our fundamentalism." *"The charges against us are all just a West-wing conspiracy." *"If our demands are not met within 24 hours, we will dump an entire barrel of lard into the New York City's water supply!"
* "Crimson Jihad is now a nuclear pow.... *Beards disguise the fact that we have no chins. "It's F'ing GREAT to be here in Cleveland! Yeah!" #4 - Posted by: Gunga on September 28, 2006 01:05 PMI wonder why we don't see more star swipes anymore.
* "Accordingly, I shall not seek and will not accept the nomination of the democratic party" #6 - Posted by: Mitchw on September 28, 2006 01:40 PM* "EEEEEKKKK!!!! Here comes that Scary Evil Monkey again!" #7 - Posted by: fmragtops on September 28, 2006 01:50 PM*We find it outragous that the monkey faced liberals are the only ones getting punched. We want some attention too. Do we not deserve to be punched in our faces? So please, punch us too. #8 - Posted by: Jihad Jack on September 28, 2006 02:26 PM* (laughing) 'Cut, cut! No, no, not that Amed! I'm sorry, I just can't do this knowing Rosie compares us to Christians! Pul-ease! What do they do? Pray in public? I mean I love you Rosie, but come on!' * My life hasn't been the same since Lance Bass came out! * Why isn't there a Muslim tribe on Survivor? Call Dan Rather! #9 - Posted by: 96Boiler on September 28, 2006 02:57 PMSo when do these Jihadi guy’s come out with a bloopers video. How about some levity every once in a while, to go along with the continuous moral indignation and threats of violence. They have been at this Jihad thing for over five years now, you’d think they’d have some decent outtakes by now. I even have a good title for a Jihadi bloopers video: ‘What to do if you get an incoming call on your detonator cell phone…and other premature explosions.’ Come on guy’s! Your videos have become a boorish mix of Jihadi preaching, threats, and Democratic party talking points. They don’t even get more than 48 hours of play on TV anymore. u laff now but soon u weel surrender to islamo monkey power! stoopid dum bush weel not save u stoopid dum neocon jues! open ur mouth an catch my poo! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH #11 - Posted by: Scary Evil Monkey on September 28, 2006 04:44 PMOsama's not dead, he's pining, you know pining for the fields. ...he's not pining he's passed on, he's an X terrorist, if he wasn't nailed to a perch he'd be pushing up daisies. He's gone a joined the blooming choir invisible, he's bleeding demised. My apologies to John Cleese and Michael Palin but I couldn't resist. Of course when they take the body out and start slamming it on the counter, that's when I'll believe he's really dead. #12 - Posted by: seanmahair on September 28, 2006 04:54 PMOsama, put away the tutus, we have work to do, places to go, people to see, buildigs to detonate... #13 - Posted by: Writer on September 28, 2006 05:06 PM"Spooning with Osama" This is Howard Dean's wet dream. taking shots at Howard Dean just because I feel like it... Priceless. #14 - Posted by: Giovanni on September 28, 2006 06:15 PMEeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww! that scary evil monkey got a hair in my falafel! #15 - Posted by: Khamel Humpeer on September 29, 2006 07:39 AM* "And now, at number 3 on our Top 10 Jihad's Billboard, here's a long distance dedication. Here's Van Morrison with 'Moondance'..." * "And we end with a letter. 'Dear AaZ, Long time listener, first timer writer ...'" * Ayman al-Zawahiri ends with tugging his ear and winking. #16 - Posted by: CatsGodot on September 29, 2006 01:00 PM"Of course when they take the body out and start slamming it on the counter, that's when I'll believe he's really dead. We are the keepers of the three sacred words: Ni!, Pang!, and Jeeeee-haaaad! Post a comment
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