I'm on the Michael Moore mailing list, and he's been e-mailing quite a bit more lately. Here's his newest (it's really meant for his faithful and not conservatives) with a few of my own comments:

A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives

November 14th, 2006

To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.

Michael Moore is a fat, disgusting man with so sense of morals and no actual compassion for his fellow man as he has demonstrated on numerous occasions. That's not really relevant to the passage, but I feel I need to get that out of the way.

Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.

Are they going to be patronizing and full of liberals’ absurd arrogance at their perceived moral authority? Because I love that stuff.

Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:

Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

Yes, you'll just call us stupid and evil as always because alternate beliefs scare and confuse you.

BTW, anyone who takes Michael Moore, a man that openly hates America and what it stands for, seriously is by definition "unpatriotic" and should go to traitor prison (which is for stupid traitors). Don't call me "unpatriotic" for this belief; I'm simply dissenting and disagreeing.

Hey, are people going to finally be allowed to dissent and disagree on college campuses or is that still a crime of the highest order?

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.

And here comes the polygamy and the farm animals.

I still don't think Michael Moore has a chance with a female of any species, though.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.

You'll spend out money on boondoggles for things we don't like to the benefit of people we hate.

The budget was balanced in a time of (perceived) peace with a Republican Congress conflicting with a Democrat President. Not seeing the same results this time.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.

If you had any sons and daughters, you probably ate them. Those who make up our military are called men and women who chose to serve, and they hate fat bastards who undermine what they fight for and try to encourage the enemy to get everyone killed. If you bring them all home, they will be angry and come after you.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.

You try and screw up healthcare, I will hurt you. Then you'll need medical treatment, but healthcare will now be rationed and you'll have to sit and wait to be helped. And, while you're waiting, I'll hurt you again.

Perhaps then you will see the flaw in the system.

And I’m not selling my soul for your voodoo magic. I like, everyone else, am happy to help fund stem cell research, but you want to focus on the dubious embryonic stem cell research, don't force me to pay for it or I will hurt you. And then you better hope the government hasn't screwed up healthcare yet.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.

::shrugs::

Where is this polluted air and water? Maybe you just need to get out of your house more and check that your tap water isn’t connected to your sewage system… unless you like it that way.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

Admit you laughed when you wrote that last sentence.

"Those fierce liberals are going to protect us! I hear one of them even owns a starter pistol!"

Too timid to march our military into a foreign country (don't want to risk the lives of those po' wittle children who wear the uniform), you'll approach this has a law enforcement matter, forever negotiating with the corrupt government of the Middle East to turn over terrorists.

Yeah, that'll show 'em; they'll never attack us again.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

Okay, I don't even know what that last sentence is supposed to mean. Maybe his fat fingers just stumbled a bit.

Yeah, the liberal are okay on funky sex and killing babies up until the point they’re half way out (or even sometimes after their accidentally born in a botched abortion; why split hairs), but if population control becomes a shiny new idea for them again, then they will have more than a few things to say about what you do in the bedroom.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

I don't give a rat's ass about hunting. If you try and take my handgun, you better hope your universal healthcare system has good "shot in the face" care.

What are a bunch of unarmed people to criminals? Targets.

I thought even liberals gave up on the idea that the way to make people safe is to make them helpless. There is no greater right than that of self-defense, and I would trade my freedom of speech to continue being able to carry a gun.

And then I'd take my freedom of speech back because I have a gun.

I don't want liberals to protect children like they protect their own; they probably don't even know where they are right now (they don't want to be overbearing). Plus Michael Moore eats his.

And, just for the record, you'd have to be a really good hunter to hunt with a handgun.

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

I don't want a minimum wage! That's why I went to college!

And could you tell the kids at the local McDonalds to stop screwing up my order; if you're getting a minimum wage, I expect a minimum level of effort.

Finally, if women want the same pay as men, then work the same as men. That's what most do. If liberals are going to come in and screw with capitalism because of some half-assed statistics you have about unequal pay, then, once again, you better hope you have that free healthcare because you’re going to need it when I come after you.

::shakes fist::

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

If I see one more idiot who wouldn't know a Bible from a TV Guide try and quote a few verses with absolutely no knowledge of the context or what they mean, I'm going to do some very un-Christian things (and I actually understand what Christian is).

Yeah, stop the fanaticism at home; that's show the terrorists. If we can just get those Christians to stop preaching against fornication, then the terrorists will stop blowing up children!

Did you get really really hungry one day and eat part of your own brain?

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

You're going after Murtha? What will everyone think if you eat a war hero?

And what's your stance on corrupt documentary filmmakers?

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.

Signed,

Michael Moore
mmflint@aol.com
www.michaelmoore.com

You're fat and you smell. Pass your stupid bills, but you don't you dare touch my stuff!

I'm cranky today. I think I'm going to do some meditative breathing now.

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