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November 15, 2006
In My World: Severance
Posted by Frank J. at 01:39 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (19)

"Do I really have to have Nancy Pelosi behind me when I give my State of the Union Address?" President Bush asked as he and Tony Snow walked by the Pentagon.

"That's usually the custom."

"But what if she's plotting to eat my skin?! She just has that look on her face like she's just waiting for someone to drop his guard so she can kill him and eat his skin!"

"You'll just have to risk it, I guess."

There was a loud crash, and Bush looked up to see a desk smashing through the wall of the Pentagon and fall to the ground. "Rumsfeld must be moving his things."

There was another crash, and Ted Kennedy flew through a wall and plummeted to the ground.

"I think he's mad."

Tony nodded. "That's always a good assumption."

They ran inside to find Rumsfeld destroying his office.

"Isn't retirement great?" Bush asked.

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled, and took a swing at Bush. Bush ducked and Rumsfeld punched out the wall behind him.

Bush dusted drywall off his suit jacket. "I thought you were giving a press conference about your leaving?"

"I was, but the reporters questioned my ability so I strangled them all." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "The weirdest thing was the surprised looks on their faces as I killed them... like they actually expected anything else to happen."

Bush noticed a document lying on the ground and picked it up. "What this?"

"It's my severance package; why don't they just take me out into a field and shoot me?!" Rumsfeld growled. "The Democrats are going to cut and run; they are going to make America lose. I must kill them all." He stormed off.

"Have fun," Bush said, not looking up from the severance package he was reading.

Tony looked towards the exiting Rumsfeld. "Do you think we should do try and stop Rumsfeld before he hurts someone?"

"I have an even better idea!" Bush exclaimed. "I'm going to get fired!"

"Um... what?!"

"Do you see how generous this severance package is?" Bush handed the paper to Tony. "Government jobs are sweet! I totally could totalyl be sitting pretty on this severance package! I don't want to be a lame duck getting yelled at for the next two years while the Dems screw everything up; I want to relax in Texas and play golf. I just have to get my self fired."

"I'm not thinking that's the best idea, sir."

"And I'm thinking it's the best idea ever! The Dems already hate me, I just need to get the Republicans to hate me too. What issue does the base really care about?"

"Well, a lot of them don't like your plans on immigration and--"

"Perfect!" Bush rubbed his greedy hands together. "I got an idea to so get me fired and make that sweet sweet severance package mine." He thought for a moment. "Now, do I have enough time to first grow a Hitler mustache?"

Tony sighed. "Where's the nearest bar."

"I think Ted's still on the street outside; he'll know."

* * * *

"I'd like to unveil the new RNC Chair," Bush told the press. "Mel Martinez." Bush pulled the canvas sack off of Mel's head.

"That wasn't a veil and it was completely unnecessary," Mel said.

Bush patted him on the back. "Good 'ole Mel!"

A reporter stepped forward. "Melinda Hawkish, FOX News. Is this selection of Senator Martinez an indication you are surrendering on the illegal immigration issue and going to grant amnesty?"

"Not amnesty, a guest worker program," Mel said.

"That's right," Bush added. "Completely different things... just like cut and run versus phased withdrawal. Mel isn't pro-illegal immigrant, and anyone who disagrees with me on this is a xenophobic racist who should die. Right, Mel?"


"Why is his mere presence causing this press conference to be flooded with illegal immigrants, then?" Melinda persisted.

"Shut up, you right-wing, FOX News nazi!" Bush shouted. "You and everyone who watches your news station just hates brown people!"

The press cheered Bush. He leaned over to whisper to Mel, "When Republicans see the press cheer me on, it's going to make them so angry that I'm totally getting fired!"

"You're doing what now?"

"Why wasn't Michael Steele given this position?" another reporter asked.

"He was too dynamic and conservative," Bush answered. "Plus, I hate black people. Didn't you ever listen to that whiner Kanye West? I mean I hate black people so much I blew up the levees in New Orleans. That's just the kind of president I am." He looked into one of the cameras. "And there's nothing any of you can do to stop me!"

"I would just like to mention that I don't hate black people," Mel said meekly.

Bush slapped him on the back. "See, Mel is a stand up guy. He'll be perfect to welcome in our new Mexican migrant worker overlords, perhaps placating them with his own Mexican-ness."

"I was born in Cuba, actually, and--"

Bush smiled. "And he's a foreigner! A Commie foreigner! That's right, I put a Commie foreigner in charge of the RNC and there is nothing other Republicans can do about it!"

"I'm an American and I'm not a Com--"

"Don't be modest, Mel! He's here to lead the Republican Party into a new era of crazy foreignness full of Communism and illegal Mexicans! And no one - no one - can stop me! Muh ha ha ha!"

"Are you trying to get fired?" a reporter asked.

Bush paused for a moment. "I dunno... you think it's working?"

"No one watches these... except maybe a few bloggers."

"But they write lots of e-mails and that can make stuff happen, right?" Bush asked hopefully.

The reporter shook his head. "They just go into the spam folder."

Bush stomped his foot. "But I wanna get fired!"

"Do you know anything about the police finally closing in on a suspect in the 'Rumsfeld Strangler' case?" a reporter asked.

Bush furrowed his brow. "Who is doing what now?"

* * * *

Rumsfeld rested in his easy chair with Chomps his rottweiler napping angrily next to him. Rumsfeld held a pen and a pad of paper. "Now to make a list of Democrats to strangle to make America safer." He thought for a moment. "Eh, probably easier to make a list of Democrats not to strangle." He started writing. "Joe Lieb--"

His front door was kicked in and in barged DC Detective Ian Competent flanked by police.

Chomps growled. Rumsfeld looked up and said, "This better be important; I have lots of people to kill!"

"You'll only be killing people in prison now... Rumsfeld Strangler!"


Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

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