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November 28, 2006
Bears-Packers Rivalry Now Classified As "Civil War"
In a major decision by NBC, the long-standing rivalry between the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears will now be referred to as a "Civil War". In a morning press conference today, Matt Lauer, co-anchor of NBC's "Today" show explained, "after careful consideration, NBC News has decided a change in terminology is warranted, that the situation in NFC North Division with armed militarized factions fighting for their own political agendas can now be characterized as civil war." Lauer was quick to dismiss criticism of the decision. "While some may not agree with our new terminology, I'd like to point out several salient facts: "First, Brett Favre has frequently been referred to as a 'gunslinger' with a 'rocket arm' that has launched thousands of murderous, high-speed footballs that have killed millions, or at least broken Donald Driver's finger once." "Second, Bears coach Lovie Smith [no relation to Mrs. Thurston Howell III - ed.] has declared repeatedly that his goal is to build a team that can defeat the Packers. Now THAT'S an agenda!" When asked about whether either team was technically "militarized", Lauer countered with incontrovertible evidence. "What? Are you blind? They wear UNIFORMS! And talk about well-armed! Everywhere you go: Cheeseheads! Cheeseheads! Cheeseheads!... They may not look very formidable, but those things have corners... pointy corners..."
Meanwhile, other news organizations have been swept up in the re-classification mania and will henceforth refer to the following as Civil Wars: * Arguing over how to split the check during a "girl's night out". * Squirmy toddler diaper-changing. * Any Dick Cheney hunting trip. IMAO will continue to bring you further updates, unless we're too busy fighting a Civil War with some sort of War Mongering Horde. 14 Responses To "Bears-Packers Rivalry Now Classified As "Civil War""
Bears? BEARS?! WHAT ABOUT US FREAKING VIKINGS, HUH?! SO WHAT IF WE SUCK, DON'T YOU DARE TURN THE OTHER WAY FROM US PAL!!! #1 - Posted by: Wandering Gunslinger on November 28, 2006 06:00 PMThe "Packers"? Yea...whatever! They call 'em "Packers" for a reason...that's right they are Barney Frank gay! Vikings and Bears maybe but the "Packers"...C'mon! #2 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on November 28, 2006 06:17 PMNot only are they well armed, but they have war-like intentions, signified with such agressive rhetoric as the "long bomb", the "blitz" and the "shotgun formation"; the deviousness of the "quarterback sneak"; and in an especially offensive insult to innocent atheists, the "hail mary" and "immaculate reception". #3 - Posted by: IllTemperedCur on November 28, 2006 06:49 PMOTOH somebody doesn't like Frank,too busy mongering I guess, ussjimmycarter, you have just had an obvious freudian slip by claiming that the great Packer name is a gay sex reference. I'm sure you just wish it was so. If you want to go that route, I think you would find much better luck with the Vikings. After all, they have such an obsession with blowing horns and the color purple. Just watch out for the people eaters, the first of the reavers. (This message comes from a very sarcastic Packer fan, so take with several grains of salt.) #5 - Posted by: Sixth Sense on November 28, 2006 09:43 PMCheese it-theres a war going on. #6 - Posted by: Writer on November 29, 2006 08:25 AMAs a Vikings fan who hates both sides of this conflict, I'm cheering for Mutual Assured Destruction. Then there will be nothing left standing for our march to occupy Indiana. #7 - Posted by: P.J. on November 29, 2006 10:12 AMYou left "sibling rivalry" off the list of things that are now considered "civil wars." Sibling rivalry in our house does occasionally involve biting, making it much more violent than even toddler diaper changes. And technically, toddler diaper changes are torture, not war. You have to hold them in "stress positions" for "extended periods of time" while handling their private parts. #8 - Posted by: Wacky Hermit on November 29, 2006 12:14 PMActually, Antonio Freeman once reported that he had broken every one of his fingers at one time or another, trying to catch Favre's passes. Bears/Packers is one war that will never end. #9 - Posted by: Inquiring Minds on November 29, 2006 01:23 PMI love the smell of bratwurst and cheese in the morning. Sigh…it hit the papers up here that our number one draft pick from a year ago Troy Williamson finally caught something…a punch at a night club on Sunday night! It’s ok though…he promptly dropped the charges! #11 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on November 29, 2006 01:26 PMBears-Packers is the greatest rivalry in sport. It's only right to ignore the Vikings. The Bears and Packers had been playing each other for forty years when the Vikings were founded. Hornung, Taylor, Ditka, George, Lombardi, Halas - they don't make 'em like that anymore. #12 - Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim on November 29, 2006 01:57 PMInquiring Minds - so... you're saying this is a Vietnam-like quagmire? :-) #13 - Posted by: Harvey on November 29, 2006 02:14 PMHarvey is right. It's a quagmire and both sides need to be destroyed so that the rest of the NFC North can live in peace. #14 - Posted by: P.J. on November 29, 2006 05:55 PMPost a comment
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