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January 14, 2007
24 Day 6 -- 6 a.m. to 7 a.m.
Begins right now... beep boop all that. Yay!
Yay! Viewer discretion is advised! awesome!
Scene setup. Fox News Alert. A real one, it seems, not like the fake ones that come every seven minutes on Fox News and can be anything from a cat climbing a tree to an actual news item. San Antonio has been bombed by Islamofascists, and there have been multiple attacks with over 900 casualties. A man who could look Middle-Eastern sees the Alert and then frantically runs to try to catch a bus that has already closed its doors. The bus driver gives him the twice over and opts to move on. Well, he should have been on time if he wanted to look like a potential terrorist. That's right, I said it, and chances are I'll say it again tomorrow in casual conversation. He gets all screamy and yells about his rights as a terrorist lookalike when the bus pulls away. It's called profiling, and most people do it whether they admit it or not. Deal with it, Obama. I mean, Osama. Honest mistake, sorry.
Turns out, profiling does save lives! Particularly Obama's, because there's an Asian-looking guy (well, what? he doesn't look Norwegian or Texan, ok? give him a cowboy hat, and I'll say Texan. I'm an equal opportunity stereotyper. Even when it's my own people.) on the bus with bomb wires coming out of his PDA gadget. He blows up the bus.
So now Karen Hayes, Mr. F of last season, is the National Security Advisor. And her hair looks great, yes? And Professor Biscuit Fleinhardt of Numb3rs is also an advisor and/or cabinet member (we're unclear so far). Wayne Palmer has been the president for three months. Interesting. Is he married suddenly, or is he our first bachelor president? I never heard of him having a family or a wife. Well. He had someone else's wife, but I don't think that counts, and personally, I think that should count against you. Oh, and I don't want to hear anyone else ask the question, "Is America ready for a black president?" Uh, duh. Have you ever seen the show? We've had two now.
Anyway, Professor Biscuit (he'll get a new name soon, of course, as will Mr. F), has successfully instituted a policy of interning some of the American Muslims in encampments. NSA is calling them "concentration camps." That's extreme of her. Ok, I want this to be enjoyable for most audiences, so I'll leave my own opinions out of this (read: I had to backspace quite a bit -- I love tangents!). There's one terrorist guy leading all of the attacks, and they want to capture him. I missed his name, probably Mohammed. Once they capture that guy, everything will end and we'll be back to sunshine and roses in America, because no one else will want to kill us ever again -- just like how some people say that we should focus only on Bin Laden so this will all be over for us! And Palmer says we're paying a super-steep price to get Mohammed.
Muslim extremist seasons are probably going to bring out Political Ranty SarahK. I'll try to save her for other posts on the day after. This is about having fun with our favorite show!
At CTU, Morris (Chloe's ex-husband) and Milo (why has he been missing from seasons again?) are not getting along, because Morris is sarcastic and Milo is boring. Chloe comes over, and we establish that she and Morris are an item again. "I had the same problem with department heads when I started, and I learned to get along. You should try it," says Chloe. Haha. Nadia is apparently Chloe's new boss, and Chloe has a request from DHS and many questions for Nadia.
They've maybe found a way to find Assad (previously Mohammed): Jack Bauer. Chloe warns Nadia that this could never work, because Jack's in a Chinese prison. Nadia tells her that her crush is coming back, and Chloe is thinking, "Dangit! I never would have hooked back up with my ex if I'd known there was still a chance that Jack would be out anytime soon! Oh well, love 'em and leave 'em, I'll get rid of him by 7:48 a.m." Chloe finds out Bill is meeting Jack at a Naval Air Station.
6:07a.m.: Rico Suave (Curtis) and Bill (he needs a name) meet Jack when he gets off the plane. That angry evil Chinese man is there too. Jack looks so unhappy. You know why? Because he's been all these many months without his JackAttackSack! Which would surely contain a razor. Please, get him a JackAttackSack! Jack says to the evil Chinese man, "I will kill you." HE SAYS IT WITH HIS EYES. Chinese man tells Bill that Jack never broke in the nearly two years he's been in custody. Finally a timeline.
Bill busts right in talking about President Palmer, and Jack blinks all funny. Oh yeah, the brother. Bill explains the deal. Assad has been attacking America for eleven weeks, and the guy who knows where Assad is has a vendetta against Jack. "We offered him everything. $25 million, every other alternative, anything he wanted." You see what happens? You start electing Democrats, and we start negotiating with terrorists. Great job, guys! He wants Jack dead, so Wayne Palmer's like, "Ok, sure." For all that Jack has done to save America from terrorists (Muslim and otherwise), and for the number of times that Jack has saved the lives of David and Wayne Palmer, they sure do hand him over to be killed a lot. And of course, Jack says, "Ok, sure. Just don't tell Audrey or Kim I'm back." And SarahK says, "In fact, don't even show them on the show not being told. Please!" You know, one of these times, Jack is going to say, "You know what? Not this time. No. I'd like a house in the mountains and a lifetime supply of leave me alone instead, please. Thanks." Jack asks if he can clean up before he gets offed. Measures have been provided to make your execution more likeable, of course, Jack!
6:19a.m. Bill tells Karen Jack is much worse than expected. Karen checks out her wedding ring, says she misses Bill, and he says you're where you should be. Aww, it's so sweet when married couples don't want to be together. *sniff*
Chloe starts badgering Nadia for info on Jack. She won't give up the 411, and Chloe says, "But he means more than my laptop to me!" and finally blackmails her with an old mistake Nadia made that she would have been fired over if Chloe hadn't saved her. Good old Chloe. Nadia tells Chloe what's going on, and when Chloe wants to call Karen to free Jack, Nadia breaks the bad news -- Wayne Palmer sold out Jack just like David did, and Mr. F knows. Chloe does a total mopey walk (cue Charlie Brown music) back to her desk and goes a little catatonic until Morris comes to talk to her. Ooh, that could mean she'll bust a cap in someone in the next four hours. It just feels like a good setup.
Wayne calls to talk to Jack and tells him his sacrifice will not be in vain. Jack says thanks and goodbye.
Wayne wonders if he's the right man to lead this country. No, you're negotiating with terrorists. Keep paying terrorists, they keep asking for money. Professor Biscuit says it's an irrelevant question, because you are the leader, so you have to lead. Oh, and Bauer has to be sacrificed so the country can survive. OR we could NOT negotiate with terrorists.
Karen corners Prof. Bisquick and accuses him of going against the president's orders by setting up camps in sports arenas in three cities. But since he hasn't done it yet, he's only setting up, he says he hasn't done anything wrong. He says that people have to sacrifice personal freedoms for security. Bisquick is a strange character. He's for negotiating with terrorists. That's a more liberal viewpoint, right? Yet he's for internment camps, which is right right right wing. And they're both national security-related. Usually if you're liberal one way and conservative on something else, they're two different issues, but these are kind of the same issue. But Bisquick is at opposite ends of the spectrum on the same issue. You can be at different ends of a range, but so variegated? He's weird. That's my point. He's weird.
Poignant scene: Bill, Jack, and Rico Suave get to their meeting place with Fayed, the guy who wants Jack dead. Fayed is a coward terrorist, so naturally he's watching from afar through binoculars. He calls Bill and says to handcuff Jack to a grate. Bill calls him an ugly name, Jack says do it. Jack says he stayed alive in China because he refused to die for nothing. Today he gets to die for something. Yes, it would be so very poignant and tear-worthy if I weren't expecting Jack to live for twenty-three and a half more episodes.
Sorry, I drank my cynic-snark juice. It's because we're negotiating with terrorists, and that always puts me in a mood.
6:36a.m.: Fire at a mosque, retaliatory. Family in suburbia whose son is friends with a Muslim kid whose father has been arrested. Of course, the non-Muslim-Americans down the street are all bigoted hicks who want to beat up the teenage son while dad is away, and the good neighbor across the street comes to help. My early prediction: The white, supposedly non-Muslim family is a terrorist cell (or at least parts of it are) and are working with the dad that was arrested or are framing him. Y'all can thank me in a couple of weeks when you sound like geniuses around the watercooler.
Morris tells Chloe that he did some on-the-side illegal work for an oil company or something, and he might be able to retask a satellite to look at the spot where they ditched Jack. Chloe is unsure, but Morris is like, "Hey, women trusted me with their feet, you can trust me with your national security!" They retask the bird. Fayed picks up Jack and says he's really missed Jack and couldn't wait to see him again. They throw Jack in a van in a tunnel, and Chloe and Morris watch for them to come out.
Fayed's sig-ops guy tells him that a government location is looking at their ditch with a private bird, and Fayed calls CTU. Nadia says it's not us, Fayed says yes it is, and Milo figures out that it's Chloe across the room. This is what you get for leaving Chloe out of the loop when you have a big conference call meeting with terrorists. Bill is listening to the call on his way in, and Nadia gets Chloe to reroute the satellite, but they've done some major damage. The terrorist (have I mentioned you don't negotiate with these people?) says that Jack's gonna die either way, and now he'll just consider giving them Assad. Fools. Not Chloe so much. CTU and Palmer.
Chloe tells Bill to fire her (yeah, so she can go rogue!), and Bill says he can't afford to fire either of them because he needs the manpower, but she'd better hope this all works out! Or... or... or... he'll fire her, and she'll have to negotiate her way to better pay and longer vacations!
6:52a.m. Bill tells Karen what happened, and Karen yells at Bill. Yep, they're married. Karen says that if we intern the Muslims, the country will never recover. Just like we never recovered from when we interned the Japanese-Americans during WWII. We never did start an upswing after that, did we?
Fayed starts torturing Jack with a knife and some alcohol. Jack reminds Fayed that he hasn't given CTU Assad's location. Fayed drops a little bomb on Jack. "Assad came to stop the attacks. He came to stop me. I'm behind them. You will die for nothing." Ouch. And he stabs Jack with some long horrific device somewhere in the back of Jack. Jack goes limp.
Who was right about not negotiating with terrorists? Was it me? Fayed calls CTU and gives them Assad. Then he hangs up and starts to cut off Jack's finger but is interrupted by a call. It's the son of the arrested suburbia Muslim, who has been working with Fayed. Oh, so the arrested dad is going to be framed, but not by the white neighbor but accidentally by his son. So... we learned in the first hour that profiling and bigotry against Muslims saves lives. Hatemongering is good!
While Fayed is out of the room talking to his BFF about their ruse and his henchman turns his back, Jack takes off his heart monitor so the monitor makes the dead sound. When the henchman comes back to check, Jack bites his neck, and I mean feasts upon it for a good ten seconds, like he was giving the guy a hickey but forgot how to do it and that it's supposed to be done on the opposite sex. THE CHINESE TURNED JACK INTO A VAMPIRE! I hope he can avoid daylight for the next twelve hours. Eh, he owns a broad collection of hoodies and sunglasses, he'll be fine. He gets the handcuff keys from his banquet and escapes behind a door or something where it would be really easy to find him, but when Fayed comes back, he only checks one escape route instead of both. Fayed is sooo ticked off.
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