I would give a spoiler alert, but if you still haven't caught up with your Tivo, you watch even more TV than we do, and that is crazy insane. You should cut back. Or take fewer business trips.

Note: It took me all week to come back to this episode and finish this hour of 24, because I hated it. It ended horribly. Not the nuke. Yeah, that was bad, but we all knew that was going to happen. Something huge was coming, or else all those commercials were waaaaaay overhyping the premier. But for Jack to shoot Curtis in the neck to save a terrorist who has killed hundreds, probably thousands of Americans? That was one of the suckiest plot twists ever ever. Frank says that they originally considered having Jack kill Tony to save Robocop last season, and this was just that horrible leftover plot device. You know, sometimes when leftovers have been sitting in my refrigerator for too long, if I just take them out and put them on the TV trays and say, "Mmm, eat up!" do you know what happens? Nothing, because I would never do that. Frank and I would get food poisoning, and I would never do that to my husband, because I love him and respect him too much. Leftovers have a shelf life.

Oh, BTW. When everyone looks back and tries to figure out when 24 jumped the shark? It's this episode.

Previously on 24...

Do you wonder why they didn't give Numir new clothes? Orange stands out, no? Whatever, it's not like I want him to be safe out there. Bill is yelling at CTU for doing really bad jobs. Have any of them slept in weeks? Maybe you should bring in nap rooms like all the cool companies are doing, Bill. It's your fault they lost Numir! No, wait, it's the president's fault that he was letting a hundred or so terrorists go by negotiating with terrorists. Something you -- say it with me -- don't do.

Numir is German and moved to the Middle East eight years ago. He's evil. Evil Germans! Wait. Those are my people. Hey, I should get all offended and demand an apology from 24! Oh wait, I'm not a big fat baby like some people.

Milo again notices that Morris is not working on what Milo wants him to work on. Morris says Chloe has tasked him, but Chloe says she hasn't. The obvious thing is that Morris is a mole, but that's way too obvious. So are they making it way too obvious so we'll think it's way too obvious and be surprised when it's true? Here's what I think. Morris has found a mole and is trying to prove it. Frank thinks that's a deadhorse subplot. I'm ok with mole subplots. But not stupid sister and daughter whose stupidity gets other people into danger and diverts attention from important things like fighting terrorists subplots.

At the White House, they're discussing nuclear casualties. As soon as Karen says "hundreds of thousands," Wayne says, "Get me Jack Bauer." That sounds about right. We just tried to kill him a couple of hours ago, let's ask him to fix this! He'll say yes, because he's an idiot. And I hate him.

Rico is still pushing Assad out. "There is no us. There is us, and there's you." See, Curtis gets it. I'm so sad, knowing this is his last hour. All because he gets it. Make sure to remember that this guy you're supposedly working with is a twenty year terrorist. I'm sure Walid Shoebat is all nice to you now, but you don't go from knowing he's the bad guy to being best friends in a matter of beepy boopy hours. Disclaimer (before y'all get all correcty on me since I hate your superhero now): I don't know Shoebat's story, I'm just saying, we probably didn't trust that guy and give him a key to the Oval Office the minute he said, "Hey, I'm a good guy now!"

President Waynewreck wants Jack to take control of the search for bin Diesel. You know, after everything we've already asked for, and us sacrificing you all the time and whatnot. Do us a favor? Jack says, "Of course, Mr. President. My life is a joke. I'll do anything for a free cheese pizza. And since you're in charge of the country, no one will notice if I hose it all up, because they'll think I was acting on your orders. You know, since you're the worst president in the history of the country." Waynewreck tells Jack to report to Bill. "Oh, and call me anytime. Since we're such good friends and I like to sacrifice you for the team and stuff."

Jack tells Curtis that he is in charge of the search, and he really needs Curtis to work with Assad. Because Jack can't do this without Curtis's help. "You know. Until later, when I shoot you in the neck." It's fun knowing the outcome and that I hate the writers before I write my snark. Too bad this will probably be the only one I write like this. Until Jack decides to off Chloe because he doesn't like her perfume, or because he really wants her purse and she won't give it to him. No wait. Chloe doesn't strike me as being a perfume-wearer. I'm not one. Curtis reminds Jack that in the past, Jack would have seen through Assad in a minute. "What did the Chinese do to you? Besides take away your purse? Is that what this is about? Do you want me to buy you a new one?" Jack asks if there's something Curtis needs to tell him. I have something to tell you, Jack. You suck! Jack wants to know if there's history. Assad interrupts and says he decoded the message, and there is a "visitor" to arrive on Thursday, and that "visitor" is Muslim-speak for weapon. It arrived on Thursday, and since that's past-tense, they must need Numir to make the weapon operational. Jack tells Curtis that finding bin Diesel and Numir is most important. When Rico Suave walks off, Jack calls Chloe and tells her to run a crosscheck between Assad and Rico to see why Rico won't work with Assad. Maybe because Assad is a terrorist. Even one who wants to stop blowing stuff up in favor of getting his throngs "involved in the political process" doesn't sound too sunshiney to me, actually. A bunch of Muslims get elected and establish a caliphate. That's loads of fun for all the non-Muslims! I love being stoned for showing my forearms or going outside without my husband. Let's all pardon the terrorist. Where was I? Oh yes. Not expressing my political views. Jack tells Chloe he needs to get Assad and Rico to work together, and he knows there's something Rico's holding back. Perchance Rico doesn't favor getting shot in the neck. Chloe scowls that she'll get on it when she can.

Numir and bin Diesel kiss like all straight men do, and they talk about the device. The music is Halloweeny.

Ahmed swallows a bottle of pills, and if the nurse mom was smart she would have given him something strong. Suburban dad calls and says that if Ockmed doesn't let his family go, he'll destroy the nuke component, which SD doesn't know goes to a nuke. Mute Boy still doesn't speak. Ockmed agrees to let one go, SD says let the boy go, so Ockmed lets mom go. Which is good, because I'm not sure Mute could have called the cops. Of course, Ockmed is threatening that if the cops show up, Mute gets it. When mom is away from the house, she calls SD to tell him she's ok. He tells her not to risk calling the cops. Mom obviously doesn't have a gun, or she could have tried shooting Ockmed through the livingroom window. As long as she doesn't have something like prefrag ammo that is going to fragment in her face, and the window isn't too thick. At the very least, she would have distracted him long enough to get off a second shot or let her son run away. But yeah, maybe she should leave this one up to the cops. Ockmed was really having a hard time killing Mute. They were buds and all.

SD tells Mom, "Do not call the police," and calls Ockmed, who gives SD the address to take the package, and Mute's little ears perk up. When you can't speak, you can't hear any better, but you learn to focus your other senses better. It shouldn't take him longer than a half hour. In LA traffic. Mom promptly calls the police and tells them her son is being held hostage by a terrorist.

9:19a.m.: Morris and Milo are still squabbling, and Chloe jumps in. Morris is being a real jerk. Chloe says, "We know what this is all about. This is about me. Everybody loves me, and there's only one fabulous Chloe. I'm sorry. I chose Morris." She reminds Morris that yeah, she dated Milo a couple of times, but she chose Morris. So stop being jealous. Morris shapes up right away and tells Milo he was never jealous. Milo's cool. They're cool. They make up, and everything is fine. It's all fine. Guys are so silly when they try to see who can pee the farthest. Just like gastroenterologists, who, by definition, suck.

Bill patches a call through to Whack, and it's Suburban Mom, who drops the name Fayed bin Diesel, and Whacky Jack is all ears. They were on the phone for about six seconds, so naturally, they have a location on the mom. Horatio Caine would have just asked. But Whack has to be all secretive about it. Rico points out that they shouldn't take one terrorist on a tactical mission to subdue another terrorist. Interesting point, says Whack, but "Overruled! You just sit there and look handsome, Rico!"

Meanwhile, at the Oval Office, Waynewreck, Karen (redubbed Mr. F), and Bisquick are having a meeting with a diplomat to see if he thinks Assad is really for real turning over a new leaf. He says, "Mmm, yeah, I think so." And is he influential? And could it be a step towards peace? "Oh. Um... yeah." That is good enough for President Waynewreck, so he decides that even though Assad hasn't asked for anything like immunity or a pardon... We should give him a full and complete pardon for all of his past crimes, because... because... FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL! SO THAT AS SOON AS HE HAS HIS NEATO LITTLE PARDON AGREEMENT IN HIS FILTHY LITTLE TERRORIST HANDS, HE CAN SAY, OH, BY THE WAY, I REALLY HAVEN'T RENOUNCED TERRORISM... I'M WORKING WITH BIN DIESEL AFTER ALL! NOW GIVE ME JACK BAUER'S HEAD ON A PLATTER! Yes, Salome, whatever you wish for. Now please, dance for me again.

Waynewreck calls Jack and is like, "Lemme talk to your friend Assad," and then is all, "If you help us get bin Diesel and do some peace talks and stuff and talk your followers into being nice to the United States and all, I'll totally pardon you for everything forever and ever, amen," and Assad's all, "Dude. Am I in charge of your country now? I think so. So, um, give it all to me in writing, and I want a house on Pennsylvania Avenue, with a goat in a corral in the Rose Garden. And a harem. Don't forget the harem." And Waynewreck's like, "You totally got it, bro," and Assad's like, "Don't call me brother, infidel!" And the whole time, SarahK and Rico are trippin' and looking at each other with the, "Are you kidding me?" eyes.

And then BlacKim calls for the president with the dumb sister subplot, and I'm to the pantry for some Chee-Tos, because I can have those (they're gluten-free). Yawn, yawn, yawn. LOL, Bisquick agrees with me, he thinks it would make a great law review article but incredibly boring TV. You know who would like this crap? The people who continued watching Boston Legal after the pontificatory credit card episode. BlacKim threatens to embarrass Waynewreck. Um, he's doing a mighty fine job of that one himself, okay? He just agreed to give a goat and a corral to a terrorist.

Meanwhile, BlacKim's boyfriend Walid is in the Muslim detention center. The other Muslims don't want to be his friend because he's wearing a white shirt or something. Or maybe because he's cozy with the president's sister, and they know she might get him attacked by cougars. They want to stay safe from the cougars! Only one man will be nice to him, and that's someone who wants to know if Walid told the guards anything. Walid overlistens to the others on the playground, because they won't let him in on their conversations.

Suburban Dad arrives to deliver his package. He is attacked by a terrorist with a P99. At least that terrorist likes good guns.
SD is like, "Ahmed sent me! Ahmed sent me!"
"You said Ockmed wrong!"
"I don't know an Ockmed! My neighbor kid Ahmed sent me with this to give to bin Diesel!"
"It's Ockmed!"
"He never corrected me!"
"I blame you!"
SD actually tells the terrorists that he has a deal with Ahmed that his son will be released. Hey. Dude. They're terrorists. They don't care about you and your family. Bin Diesel calls and tells Ockmed to kill the boy. Because terrorists are such honorable people. Awwww. Ockmed asks if that's necessary. Makes me still not feel sorry for the little demon.

Ok, that's ridiculous. They're already selling the 24 season premier on DVD. There will be actual humans that will buy that.

9:37a.m.: Bisquick, Waynewreck, and Mr. F meet to go over the pardon agreement for Assad. Mr. F is just as stupid as Waynewreck. Bisquick is trying to be reasonable. At the end of the scene, Waynewreck appreciates Bisquick's loyalty all the more. Ooh, maybe he'll betray the president like Mike Novick did in season 2. Bisquick is the only sane one. I'd hate to see him go all insane like Whack Bauer.

Jack says "Copy that" to a man who says something to his face, which is totally ridiculous. They are in the suburbs. Mute suddenly speaks up and asks Ockmed, "Why aren't you talking?" Uh, why so verbose all of a sudden, Sparky? Ockmed starts yelling all evil and Muslimmy and tells Mute to get up. He makes Mute kneel and turn around, but I'm thinking that if the only way a terrorist can kill someone is execution-style, maybe don't turn around. Make him shoot you in the face. Make a play for the gun. He's gonna shoot you anyway, so you might as well fight for it. If he shoots you in the process, at least you didn't just sit there. Throw your body at him. It's not like your hands are bound or anything. Aww, it's so sweet. Ockmed says he's sorry right before almost pulling the trigger. Anyway, Curtis and Jack show up, Ockmed tries to run, and a nametagger (someone who needs a nametag if I'm to know his name) shoots Ockmed. Whack is very upset, because this is the link to bin Diesel! What will we do? And Mute, who has miraculously rediscovered his vocal chords in this scene, comes up with the address that he overheard Ockmed telling his dad to take the package to. "You're gonna save my dad, right?" Whack says, "No. I mean, we're gonna do everything we can. But hey, at least you didn't die, which is good for you, and which is not anything I care about. I only care about cheese pizza."

9:48a.m.: At CTU, Chloe has downloaded bin Diesel's location via satellite, but no one is coming or going. They get on the phone with President Waynewreck, who is so happy he could pardon a terrorist!

At the Muslim holding facility, BlacKim goes to see her boyfriend Walid, and finally the dumb subplot has some kind of meaning that doesn't have me scratching my eyeballs out of their sockets. Walid has been eavesdropping on the other Muslims. He tells BlacKim what he has heard, which is an Arabic phrase. He doesn't speak Arabic, but he's heard the same phrase over and over, so he wants BlacKim to tell the phrase to the FBI and see if it means anything. She says, "You overheard it in a facility where you and all these other people are being detained illegally!" And he says what we've all been saying. Well, everyone except the freakin' ACLU, which everyone except the ACLU hates. "Stop being a lawyer for one minute!" You're a Muslim! Beat her into silence! She talks too much anyway, we'd all be ok with it. Even us Christians. Anyway, he's an American first -- actually, I'm pretty sure with that accent he either just likes America or is from some part of the deep deep south that I've never heard of -- and doesn't want the country attacked, so he tells her to shut her trap and go to the FBI with the information, whether she agrees with the detention centers or not. She says she will. We'll see.

Meanwhile, back at the suburbs, Jack is showing Assad his pardon that he's getting for no particular reason. Rico sees Whack shaking hands with Assad and gets the Crazy Eyes. Jack leaves Assad at the table, because Assad wants to take his time to read the sweet, sweet pardon he's being given, and goes to talk to Curtis.

"Hey. Hey, Curtis. How you doin', my friend? Nice weather, right? I didn't think President Waynewreck would pardon Assad so quickly, but... you know... stuff happens."

Rico says, "Well... if that's the way it has to be... that's the way it has to be."

SarahK is asking, "Why are we pardoning this guy who wasn't asking for a pardon who was working with us anyway to stop the attacks and had already said he wanted to renounce terrorism and all that without asking for anything? Um..."

Rico Suave stares into SarahK's eyes. "Plot device, SarahK." He puts on his sunglasses and walks outside. "Plot device."

Suburban mom comes inside and creates a diversion. Mute goes mute again. Chloe calls to tell Jack, who is Whack, why Curtis hates Assad with such rage. After Desert Storm, Curtis was in the Army. Curtis's squad was ambushed. Five dead, two captured, and Curtis wounded and unable to go after his captured compadres. Assad's Lieutenant forced Curtis's men to beg for their lives and then beheaded them both. I'm on Curtis's side.

Ever notice how Jack has to close one eye to aim? I don't. I shoot with both eyes open. Just saying. Tactical advantage. I have all of my peripheral vision intact. Because I'm awesome. Unlike Jack Bauer, who kills good Americans in favor of terrorists.

So Assad signs his pardon agreement and looks quite smug, like he just won the goat lottery, and Curtis follows him out to the Suburban. "You still don't remember? Special forces?" He lists some other details for Assad, who's like, "Whaaaat? Now that I'm pardoned, none of that stuff ever happened! You and I could be best buds! It's like I never even accidentally cut someone off in traffic!" Now, if the writers didn't hate the viewers, they could have just had Curtis pop him in the back of the head, and everything would have been fine, because then the nuke goes off, and hey, CTU needs the manpower so they can't very well throw Curtis in jail for terroristslaughter now! But no. They hate us. So they drag it out, and Rico ends up behind Assad, using Assad as a shield, with Jack facing off with Rico.

"Don't do it, Curtis!"
"I have to, Jack, he's a monster!"
"By order of the President of the United States! Stand down!"
"You mean that joke of a president that signed this guy's pardon? That guy? No, I don't think so."
"Well then... by... order of the Power of Grayskull!"
"I never liked He-Man!"
"I oughta shoot you now, but the sun's in my eyes! All work and no play makes Jack Whack!"
"What'd the Chinese do to you, man?"
"They made me eat Hot & Sour Soup! Have you ever tried that crap? It's just slimy water!"
"Well, I'm sorry, Jack, but I can't let this animal live."
Assad says, "I don't like that soup either! Please!"
"Curtis, you know how I am when I give my word, and I gave that guy my word really early this morning, before I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and saw he was a terrorist."

So Jack shoots Curtis in the neck, and it's the worst plot twist ever ever. Ever. Just because a plot twist is shocking doesn't make it good.

And Assad jumps into the truck. And Jack drops his gun and throws his hands up in the air and cries like a girl, because he should, because he made the wrong choice. Oh, don't worry, Whack, the writers made you do it. And Whack goes and throws up by a tree with his Dumbledoresque hand. And Bill calls to console him and tell him he did the right thing. No you didn't. Horatio would have found another way. Bill says, "Curtis didn't leave you any choice." Yeah, well Bill's a tool whose wife chose to move to the other side of the continent rather than stay in the same city with him, so that tells you what his opinion is worth. Plus, she's the Mr. F who's the worst National Security Advisor ever to the worst president ever. So you decide if Bill's opinion is any good.

It's not.

Bill says they need Assad alive. Whatever. I'm sure he'll betray you before the end of the day. Jack says he can't do this anymore. I say bring in the Caine. They hang up, and Jack cries like the girl he is. They get word Ockmed is dead.

At bin Diesel's warehouse, the tactical team moves in. Everyone watches on their flatscreen TVs. Tax dollars are paying for that? They should not have flatscreens in the Oval Office for watching ops. It's not necessary. The tac team and BD's team engage, and Numir turns on the nuke as Suburban Dad yells "NOOOOOO!"

Jack watches the mushroom cloud go up north of LA in Valencia. In the OO, they watch it on their flatscreen. At CTU, they watch on their monitors.

President Waynewreck makes his first non-wrong decision of the day when he tells Mr. F to gather all first response teams and that LA will have all the country's resources.

At CTU, they get word from the FBI that a phrase kept popping up. Nadia translates it to mean "five visitors". Bill says this means there are four more nukes.

On the next 24, which I no longer care about, Jack is predictably back in. An admiral wants to nuke the Muslims back into the stone age, where they want to live. Jack finally meets Ron Howard's lookalike. Big whoop.

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Rating: 3.2/5 (5 votes cast)

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