Global climate change keeps making the news, and now Al Gore's documentary is scheduled to win an Oscar. Thus, I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about global climate change:

FUN FACTS ABOUT GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE

* Global climate change was first discovered during the Ice Age when some guy said, "Hey, it's been getting kinda cold lately." This was blamed on the activities of man, specifically their angering the moon god by giving it lackluster offerings of shiny beads.

* The first global warming fear came at the end of the Ice Age when noted climatologist Thag observed, "It get warm." Many didn't believe Thag and were unprepared for the coming ice cube shortage.

* Today, climate change is blamed on humans doing cool stuff like burning things and driving big trucks since these also anger the moon god.

* Earlier last century, it was believed that human activity was causing the world to cool. Now, it is believed human activity is causing the globe to warm. Eventually the two will merge into the global lukewarming theory and scientists will debate whether or not you'll need a jacket.

* Extremely cold winters are also evidence of global warming if they are observed when scientists declare it to be opposite day.

* Global climate change can affect crops. If you have crops, watch for affects.

* Carbon dioxide is blamed for much of the warming by how the gas traps heat in the earth like a Gortex coat traps heat in your body. That's why the warming of the earth is called the Gortex coat effect.

* Well, I call it that.

* The earth can also naturally go through cycles of climate change, but many scientist will declare you a heretic and burn you at the stake if you mention that.

* Al Gore has long warned the world about the dangers of global warming but no one listens to him because he's alternately crazy or boring.

* President Bush has promised that, if he determines global climate change to be a problem, he will deploy the military to shoot and bomb it.

* Gore made a movie about how global warming will drown and then boil us. It consists entirely of Al Gore talking to a slide show. Previously, scientists thought that the level or narcotics needed to think that's a great idea for a film is so high that it would instantly kill a man, but the producer who green lighted the film is alive today.

* Gore has a metal globe of the world in his office which has metals coils on the inside that heat it to an extreme temperature. When someone comes into the office, touches the globe, and yelps in pain, Gore shouts, "Now you know the dangers of global warming!"

* He's crazy!

* If you think you see a climate change, notify a local scientist so he can get a huge grant.

* If global warming trends continue, scientists say you may be forced to wear a tank top in public.

* Temperatures could increase as much as 10 degrees Fahrenheit by the end of the century. So, if it's like 30 degrees out now, in a hundred years it will be 40 degrees out. If that doesn't scare, I don't know what can.

* The Kyoto Treaty was made to get countries to reduce their Gortex coat gas emissions. In act of conservation, America used the treaty to wipe its ass instead of wastefully buying toilet paper.

* It's said that global warming is melting our glaciers. Without glaciers, we will no longer be able to... What are glaciers used for again?

* With all the ice melting, most of Florida could be flooded. With the housing market as it is, it will be nearly impossible for me to sell my house and make a profit if it's underwater.

* if the Kyoto Treaty were adopted, part of the regulations would force NASCAR racers to carpool.

* In a fight between Aquaman and global climate change, some of Aquaman's fish friends would perish while other would thrive. Such is the ecosystem.

* Many say that global warming would be a good thing for crops and barbecues. It is suspected that the anti-warming crusade was started by the Burlington Coat Factory when it feared it would lose business.

* If you ever say, "Man, I wish it were a bit warmer out," you're part of the problem and are worse than Hitler.

* The only way to defeat global climate change is to be a bunch of gay socialists, so say leading scientists and the EU.

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Know Thy Enemy
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