 |
|
|
|
About IMAO Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!  Buy funniest book ever!  IMAO Podcasts IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
 Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
About IMAO
If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK. About Frank J. Bloggers: Frank J. Harvey RightWingDuck Cadet Happy spacemonkey Laurence Simon SarahK Popular Categories
Fred Thompson FactsJohn Edwards Fabulous Facts lolterizt IMAO Condensed Know Thy Enemy Editorials Frank the Artist In My World Other Content
Ode to ViolenceBrief Histories IMAO Audio Bits  Read the Essay Own the Shirt Peace Gallery Search IMAO
Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds "Unfunny treasonous ronin!" -Lou Tulio* "You, sir, are a natural born killer." -E. Harrington "You'll never get my job! Never!!!" -Jonah Goldberg "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO." -No One of Consequence "A blogger with a sense of humor." -Some Woman on MSNBC Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQThe Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler Blackfive Captain's Quarters Classical Values Conservative Grapevine The Corner The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!) Dave in Texas Eject! Eject! Eject! Electric Venom Hot Air Puppy Blender La Shawn Barber's Corner Michelle Malkin Pereiraville Protein Wisdom Rachel Lucas Right Wing News Scrappleface Serenity's Journal Townhall Blog IMAO Blogroll Bad Example Cadet Happy The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles mountaineer musings Right Wing Duck  This Blog Is Full of Crap Fred Thompson Links Fred File Blogs for Fred Fred Thompson Facts Awards
|
February 07, 2007
In crisis there is opportunity
I've been thinking about Space Cadet Lisa Marie Nowak and the whole "What if an astronaut goes nuts and drives a thousand miles to stalk, kidnap, and kill their rival?" problem, and the solution is... Trained monkeys That's right: trained monkeys. Because when it all comes down to it, when was the last time you saw a trained monkey put on a diaper and drive nearly a thousand miles to kidnap and kill the rival for its lover's affections? Sure, you might think What about robots? Don't robots lack the emotional capacity for jealousy that could cause such a mental breakdown like this to take place? Yes, but based on the annual obstacle course trials put on by DARPA for robot-controlled vehicles, the possibility of a robot driving a thousand miles is slowly but surely becoming a reality. Also, programming a robot to kidnap and kill someone is about 150 lines of code in C, I hear. Heck, it's a native API in Vista now. (Still no RSS feed handlers for Windows Media Player, though) And then there's the diaper. We all know that putting a diaper on a robot is child's play. It's an option at the factory, next to titantium shielding and laser-eyes. But trained monkeys? There's absolutely no way a monkey is going to drive a thousand miles. And even if you teach them to drive a thousand miles, they're going to get pulled over and busted for not having insurance. (Not even Geico will insure monkey drivers) Teaching a monkey to stalk, kidnap and kill someone is another matter entirely. I've tried doing that as a way to bump off FrankJ, but the monkey usually ends up trying to kill Harvey, or it ends up playing with himself in the corner for an hour. Monkey assassins? Not likely. Wearing a diaper, though, that's also kind of easy to get a monkey to do. He'll try to wear it on his head, sure, but that's just a technicality. 10 Responses To "In crisis there is opportunity"
I’m thinkin’ that an even better idea is to leave the chicks in the kitchen where they belong and let the guys do the dangerous stuff like astronaut and test pilot work. The bims. (short for bimbos) can cook a nice dinner and have a cold one ready for us when we get home…and then serve it and shut the hell up because we don’t care what Oprah said on her stupid little show today! #1 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on February 7, 2007 03:28 PMDoes this mean we can expect a return of the American Fake Spacemonkey? #2 - Posted by: Chris on February 7, 2007 04:00 PMI bet Jack Bauer could train a monkey to bump FrankJ off, but he be more likely to torture it for information first. #3 - Posted by: AlanABQ on February 7, 2007 04:03 PM*And even if you teach them to drive a thousand miles, they're going to get pulled over and busted for not having insurance.* Funny, this hasn't stopped thousands of ilegal aliens from doing the same thing. *He'll try to wear it on his head, sure, but that's just a technicality.* No, he'll just be mistaken for someone from the Middle East. I guess it depends, though...if the diaper is red, he'll just be mistaken for someone from a West Coast state. I say just use a cat. When cats get pissed off, they just give you that rediculous "I'm annoyed" look, or else just vomit or go to the bathroom on something, then you can just throw them against the wall. They're too small to drive, and the worst thing they can do is claw your pants leg. * #4 - Posted by: Wolfman Dan on February 7, 2007 07:39 PM "ends up playing with himself in the corner for an hour" ...does that refer to the monkey or Harvey? #5 - Posted by: GEBIV on February 7, 2007 08:27 PMI just think somebody spiked the Tang. #6 - Posted by: TBinSTL on February 7, 2007 08:42 PMNowak would have succeeded if only she'd used the trunk monkey to kidnap Colleen Shipman instead of trying to do it herself. #7 - Posted by: Basilisk on February 7, 2007 09:23 PMAwesome idea, but wouldn't it be incredibly difficult to train monkey astronauts not to throw poo in the space shuttle? #8 - Posted by: Son of Bob on February 7, 2007 09:29 PMCan't we send Nowak on a long-term solo mission to outer space? #9 - Posted by: on February 8, 2007 07:18 AMThey tried monkeys - one of 'em went on to become the senator from Ohio... #10 - Posted by: bunkerboy on February 8, 2007 08:47 AMPost a comment
|
Buy IMAO T-Shirts 
 
 
IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe (winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!! Yay! Books!
Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24American Idol Aqua-Adventures Barackalypse Now Best of IMAO 2002 Best of IMAO 2006 Bite-Sized Wisdom Editorials Election 2008 Filthy Lies Frank Answers Frank Discussions Frank on Guns Frank Reads the Bible Frank the Artist Fred Thompson Facts Friday Cat-Blogging Fun Trivia Hellbender Hellbender Take Two Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths Humor I Hate Frank If I Were President ignis fatuous IMAO Condensed IMAO Exclusives IMAO for the Non-Deaf IMAO Reviews IMAO Think Tank In My World In My World - Fan Fiction John Edwards Fabulous Facts Know Thy Enemy lolterizt Michael Moore Mitt Romney Ads News Round-Up Newsish Fakery No, McCain't Our Military Permalink Contest Precision Guided Humor Assignments Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul Ronin Profiles Ronin Thought of the Day SarahK's TV stuff Scary Evil Monkey Simpsons Trivia Songs & Poems State of the Frank Report Superego Totally True Tidbits WEsistance Is Facile Why Me Laugh? Yvonne's Ashes By Month
December 2008September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 June 2006 May 2006 April 2006 March 2006 February 2006 January 2006 December 2005 November 2005 October 2005 September 2005 August 2005 July 2005 June 2005 May 2005 April 2005 March 2005 February 2005 January 2005 December 2004 November 2004 October 2004 September 2004 August 2004 July 2004 June 2004 May 2004 April 2004 March 2004 February 2004 January 2004 December 2003 November 2003 October 2003 September 2003 August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 April 2003 March 2003 February 2003 January 2003 December 2002 November 2002 October 2002 September 2002 August 2002 July 2002 March 1933
|
Stumble It!
