Who said I never have any of the answers.

Besides all of you.

Dr. Duck is here once again to provide aid and comfort to all the faithful IMAO readers. Yesterday, I asked you for questions on relationships. Relationships and love and understanding: these are the things that I know best.

**

Are you ever going to restore the trust of your loyal readers by answering the OTHER Dr. Ducky questions? If not why not?
Posted by: Brian The Adequate

Brian,

The reason I didn’t answer those questions is that they were too sweet and tender. I felt that by answering them I would have taken away from their sincerity and beauty.

Trust. Loyalty. These are good things. Not as good as money. If I did answer some of those old questions would readers buy Frank J’s new book?

Maybe. I’ll consider going back and answering those questions, unless they’re stupid and irritating. Which they almost always are.

**

Who decided that the heart is the "organ" of love and emotion? Why not the pancreas, or the left kidney?
Posted by: PaleoMedic

True Story: A long time ago, an Italian named Federico Von Brooklyn devoted his kidney to his one true love. She felt it was a wonderful gesture since the kidneys work so hard to pump blood to the body. Unfortunately, Frederico ended up donating his kidney to his cousin, Muaricio Von Manhattan. Since Federico had dedicated his kidney to his woman, she had no choice but to follow that kidney and go live with his cousin, where they had 12 kids and attended monster truck rallies.

Ever since, the heart has become the organ of choice to express love as the heart filters out impurities in the system although occasionally you can get heart stones. Which are painful to pass.

**

If I am a guy, and my girlfriend is a girl and she makes more money than I, would it be wrong to ask her to pay for dinner tonight? Wouldn't the fact that she makes more money than I mitigate my manhood, making her more of the man and I less of it?
Posted by: some goon

Whenever a man makes less money than his woman, it seems that it elicits snickers.

Not the laughter – the candy bar.

Because you’re gay.

I’m sorry. Women make a lot less money than men, that’s why it’s always a good idea to hire them (that and they’re usually easy on the eyes.) By making less than a woman, you are less of a man. I know that’s old fashioned but there you have it.

So you have two options. You can sit on the couch crying, eating cream while watching Brokeback Mountain – or – you can go out there and make more money. If that’s too much, then try getting her fired.

By the way, she should pay for dinner. It’s traditional. The man pays.

**

My girlfriend has this really annoying habit of asking me to do something later in the day (asking at 10am for something that needs to be done at 8pm for example) and then throughout the day keeps reminding me about it. This is really annoying because she has already told me once, I have a good memory, and I usually have no problem doing what she asked, is there a way you would recommend getting her to stop telling me the same thing over and over and just to tell me once?
Posted by: -[Medic]-

This is a Men Are From Earth moment. The reality is that women communicate by nagging. Men communicate by grunting and high fives. This is the natural order of things and it's wrong to try to disturb it. Whenever a woman n ags me, I try to compensate for it by imagining her naked. If she's fat, try thinking of Scarlett Johannsen or some other Hollywood Hottie.

**

Ducky, do you form a new relationship each season after you fly north. What about the extra two wives, did you loose them to predation or a couple of tough duck hunting seasons. What about molting, has that ever been an issue.
Oh never mind, I know I’ll never get answers.
Posted by: Neo-andertal

It’s not you. It’s just that your questions are so weird. Even by IMAO standards. But you’re a good kid. Here’s a nickel.

(5 cents)

**
Is it a good idea to take a woman to Pizza Hut on Valentine's Day? What if you use a coupon to pay for a good deal of it?
Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim

Of course it’s okay to pay for Pizza Hut with a coupon. Unless the coupon is for something else; like Dominoes or 1000 free hours of AOL.

**
What about those of us on the opposite end of the good/bad relationship spectrum on Valentine's Day? What would you recommend as an appropriate way to call things off? Besides a singing telegram from a guy in a bear suit holding a balloon, of course.
Posted by: Sixth Sense

Sometimes, the easiest thing is to make her dump YOU. My recommendation: During a very passionate moment, call her “Eduardo.” She’ll take it from there.

**

Is a Vacuum Cleaner a good or bad gift for your wife on Valentines Day?
Posted by: ussjimmycarter

Vacuum cleaners are a tricky gift to a woman. What you’re saying is that she’s only good for cleaning. This is a bad message.

I suggest you give her a vacuum AND a frying pan.

**
What's the going rate on a fifth of vodka and a Playboy? Is it more than an average Valentine's day date?
Posted by: Elliott

$12.50

Make sure you buy them at the same time. One time, I thought I got drunk and thought I was buying Playboy. I woke up hung over do discover that it wasn’t Playboy it was..um. Let’s just say there were Snickers wrappers involved.

**

How many times was I a baby?
Posted by: Hebert

After much research and several millions in grants, science has come up with an answer to that.

Once.

This decision was nearly unanimous except for the 55% of scientists who said "Two" because of global warming.

**
Dear Duck,
If I had gotten a vaccuum on Valentines Day instead of the 3rd Season of Lois and CLARK, would it have been wrong to dump green glow-y rocks in my hubby's coffee?
Posted by: shimauma

I get it. Kryptonite. That’s funny.

Lois and Clark is on its third season?

I can see how getting a vacuum would suck.

Get it? Suck. HAHAHAHAHAHa.

I kill me.

**
Dear Duck,
If I had gotten a vaccuum cleaner on Valentines Day instead of the 3rd Season of Lois and CLARK, would it have been wrong to dump green glow-y rocks in my hubby's coffee?
Posted by: shimauma

Huh?

**
Whoa! Double post, my bad...spankings all around!
Posted by: shimauma on February 14, 2007 10:13 PM

*

Yeah!!!!! A spanking, A spanking.
Posted by: Dan M

*
Dan meet Shimauma. Shimauma Dan.

Hurray. I’ve helped another couple find happiness. I love being a doctor

**

Thanks to all who participated. Remember, IMAO is the home of really bad humor. The Dr. Duck segment is your chance to be a part of that.

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