Giant swarms of hornets are invading France, and the French are blaming global warming while working up terms of surrender.

Yesterday, there was concern that it may not take long before the Asian hornet makes its way to Britain.

"There's no doubt that these hornets are heading north and will probably find their way to Britain at some point," said Stuart Hine, manager of the Insect Information Service at London's Natural History Museum.

"Climate change certainly means they can cope with European summers. However, they would still have difficulty coping with our winter frosts."

Leave it to the French to overlook the obvious cause of this plague of hornets...

Jews.

That's right. Jews.

You see, anti-Semitic incidents are on the rise in France, whether they are a result of the Islamification of French society or the rise of extreme nationalist movies that have given rise to demagogue wannabes like Jean Marie Le Pen.

However, French Jews tend not to learn from the mistakes of their ancestors, which your ancestors gladly handed over to the Nazis. Heck, you just planted one in the ground just recently... The Bastard of Bordeaux Papon, I believe.

Shouldn't have sprung him from jail, Pharaoh. That really cheesed us off.

As humiliating as it is to be related to these Cheese-Eating Torah-Reading Tamarins, a lot of them have the blood of the French Resistance in their veins. They've been taught early on that the sound of breaking glass and goose-stepping in the streets needs to be met with heavy gunfire in response, not cowering and praying. But your restrictive gun laws make it kind of hard to defend oneself against organized parties wanting them wiped out (ie The Surite). So this time around they're turning to their faith for a solution.

Hey, why settle for anything less than the Granddaddy of All Regime Ass-Whuppings: The Ten Plagues. They even made a movie about it, although it didn't star Jerry Lewis.

We're still working out the details, though:

1. Rivers turn to blood: Still working on it. We may have to settle for turning the wine to blood. Or antifreeze. Not that it's much of a change for most cheaper vintages.

2. Frogs: Somewhat redundant, since France literally is a plague of frogs.

3. Lice: Once again, nobody would notice this on most Frenchmen, Frenchwomen, and Frenchchildren.

4. Flies: Yet again, nobody would notice this.

5. Livestock dying: We kind of like animals, so we decided to change this to "The Airbus A380 being as airworthy as Anna Nicole Smith with a rocket up her ass."

6. Boils: A side-effect of Asian Bird Flu, I believe. Care for more game hen, Francois?

7. Hail of fire: Will flaming parked cars, do? Spark up some more Peugeots, Habib The Badly-Assimilated Algerian Immigrant!

8. Locusts: They're on backorder. But we got a great deal on hornets. Wholesale, too!

9. Darkness: The Eiffel Tower "energy conservation" stunt was just an attempt by Jacques Chirac to cover for this one. We'll reschedule.

If these Nine Plagues Of France don't convince you to lay off the people wearing the doilies on their heads and reading from right to left, well...

Hrm. There's a slight problem with "Death of the Firstborn" because there's a loophole concerning abortions. It seems that God considers that the killing of a child, after all, and French abortion rates are alarmingly high. Even if it is making sure that another Frenchman doesn't come into the world to look down his nose at it.

(You'd think the country was a Tyson chicken processing plant instead of a former Catholic stronghold in Europe.)

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