From the Valley of the Jolly…
Are you also going to sell succotash and cauliflower?
I think this could spell the end of your blogging career, since no one will want to be near you with your new vegetarian diet, Frank.
Be careful around open flames, or you could end up using all of your Carbon Offsets, yourself.
First!

One question, If I eat a bag of your magic beans how many carbon offsets would I need to purchase to be carbon neutral on the later methane emmissions?

Can I backdate my carbon offsets to take into account my childhood carbon emissions?

They ARE out of a Goya bag! I knew it!!!!!!!

Is the girl in that photo British or something?

Eating magic beans enables you to shoot rainbows out your ass.

Aren't we carbon-based lifeforms? Won't we cease to exist if we eat your carbon offsets? Shouldn't your offsets come with a warning label?

This is just some ingenious plan to rid the world of the stupid people, isn't it?

How can we be sure your magic beans are better than these magic beans or these magic beans?

We're taking up a collection to buy enough carbon offsets to reduce Al Gore's carbon footprint to zero by reducing Al Gore himself to zero.

Literally- he's already a zero figuratively.

He's pretty fat, so we figure this is going to cost a bunch.

Anybody got Bill Gates on speed dial?

you had me at the happy, smiling little girl-where is my wallet.

the field of carbon offsettery? How about the field of carbon offsettricks, can't you just see the pointy headed people in long white lab coats?

//Anybody got Bill Gates on speed dial?//

Weird Al does...he calls him "Money" for short.

Great, you are going into the green business. In honor of Chuck Norris' birthday tomorrow, I hope he comes and kicks your ass. Not to mention that you haven't even mentioned Chuck. Are you turning sissy on us.

Chuck Norris couldn't beat eggs. Now the glove is thrown onto the other foot, or something.

These carbon offset units are faulty. Sterilize.

Are your magic beans prone to settling in transit, or can I expect a full bag on arrival?

I once purchased magic potato chips, and I was devastated to find the bag half empty. My carbon has been seriously offset every since!

Enough of these half measures. The real solution to the carbon emissions problem is much more direct. We already know more than half of humanity is just taking up space. The solution is to eat our carbon offsets. I’m not just talking about eating poor people either, although that would solve any number of social ills. Annoying wealthy people are worth far more in carbon offsets. Eating an offensive Frenchman is worth dozens of skinny Asians. Eating an intellectual gets you bonus points. Not that they put out so much carbon but everyone appreciates it when they finally shut up. Besides they’re soft and pasty like a fine cut of veal.

By the way that was a satirical piece.

For those that need that explicitly stated.

//Eating an offensive Frenchman is worth dozens of skinny Asians. //

EEWWWWWW!!! Tha'd be like an episode of Fear Factor....

Nice try blowing smoke up my ass...there is no room however, the democratic party has it full up...sigh...

Eat me! I fart in your general direction!

Mmmmm veal....
What were we talking about?