It's girl night, so there's hope on the viewing couch. Right off the bat, they can't find Paula. Have you checked the vodka sellers, Ryan? I hear she visits them from time to time. I see that Gina is dressed all edgy; I figured she would be, because she listens to Simon. Ryan says tomorrow night they announce details of the biggest AI project to date. If it's that AI camp, I'm not interested.

By the time the cameras pan to the judges, Paula has been located. Simon says she was under the judges' desk. Randy says retrieving something for him, and immediately Ryan thinks dirty. Everyone spouts the standard line about it being a family show. That's the new line for the last two or three years. The standard. "This is a family show." "A family blog." "A family restaurant." "You can't say that here, this is a family." People are always blaming the family, the children. Poor kids. I think I'm going to start a new one, take a little responsibility. "You can't say that here, I have morals."

I have to warn you. I'm cranky.

01... Jordin Sparks. Yeah, I've decided for some reason that I don't care for her as a performer. I think it's because she's giddy non-stop. Happy, sad, she's smiling all the time. Her big reveal is that she loves football so much and used to want to play football but gave it up a long time ago for singing. And she's going to sing Pat Benatar? Huh. "Heartbreaker". I hate to say it, because she's a much much much better singer than Haley Scarnato, but this reminds me so much of the Queen of the Armpits performance from last week. She's got so much better pipes than this song shows off, and she went boring, fast, safe. What's up with that song choice? RANDY: Hot! Different show! Pitchy but so much better than the boys! PAULA: Energy! You only get better! SIMON: I'm not as enthusiastic as the dumb judges. A bit manic, a little shrieky. You've done well, you'll be back next week, but it's not your strongest performance. SARAHK: And manic Jordin can hardly contain herself with all her giddiness. Paula, can Jordin have one of your Valiums? Do it for me, sugar? The fizzy pep ball is overdoing herself. Oh, to the singing. Honestly, it was karaoke, nothing better. I'm disappointed.

02... Sabrina Sloan used to want to be Katie Couric. Blarf. She used to host the school talent program or something. Anyway, moving on. What is with her song choice? Are you kidding me with this En Vogue song from what? The '80s? I have to look it up. "Don't Let Go". Ok, 1996. Eleven years. You either need to go way back or get current. Don't go to the mid-'90s for your mediocre song choice! Is Antonella picking your songs? The dress is a pretty color (I do love brown), and she looks mostly pretty, but it looks like it's made of squishy foam material, and I can't get past that. I also get hung up on the way she squat-walks around stage. Ok, apparently I hated this performance. The singing was mediocre and nasal, too. Not impressed tonight.That song choice was awful! RANDY: Not my favorite song choice, you did your thing, you were pitchy, good and solid. PAULA: You can sing sing sing. You look beautiful. Energy is fantastic! SIMON: You're a great singer, but you lack emotion. Robotic. Bad song choice. Hotel resort performance. You're a great singer, but you need personality. You're too mechanical. SARAHK: Who the heck picks your songs? I'm mad at you tonight. Ugh. Not a happy me. RYAN: Deserve to be in the top 12? ALL JUDGES: Yes.

03... Antonella Barba plays the violin and still teaches lessons when she goes home for the summer. Is anyone else nostalgic for Baylie Brown right now? 'Member her and that nice husky voice? Yeah, me too. Anyway, Antonella is up and singing a song with all kinds of tuning issues. She's singing "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae. This is actually a good song choice for her, but it's a gigantic mess. It's horrific. She's hitting bad notes in every bar and grabbing her stomach to steady herself. She looks pretty. Even I'm throwing in the sympathy "she looks pretty". But it's not good. RANDY: Good song choice, but it was just ok. I think you're better than you've shown in the last couple of weeks. PAULA: Your high range is good, low range is bad, good song choice. SIMON: You've gone as far as you can go. I don't know how much more you can do. I feel for you, because you've taken a lot of stick in the media, and you've handled yourself well throughout, and no one should have to go through that. [Applause and Antonella actually thanks Simon for saying so. The first sign of respect she's ever shown him.] But I'm not going to patronize you. It wasn't your worst performance, we've heard you sound worse, I just don't think you can go any further. SARAHK: It's true. That Armageddon song was way worse. But this was not good. I think the Bad Girls 15 Seconds Train is leaving this week, and she should pack her bags.

04... Haley Scarnato, Queen of the Armpits, used to be a gymnast but eventually dislocated both shoulders and turned to singer. A natural progression. Also perhaps an explanation for the excessive hi-fiving of the camera. Or maybe she dislocated the shoulders practicing her singing techniques in front of the mirror. I turned to Frank the first time we watched through this and said, "How did I not make it onto this show and she's on?" She's doing "If My Heart Had Wings" by Faith Hill, one of Faith's most nondescript songs, and one of her easiest to sing. She still managed to sing it with zero oomph. Haley does not have a strong voice at all. Even Alaina had a stronger voice mechanically. She just had no air in her lungs. But Haley has no vocal chords, she's all air and fakery... how do I explain?

As a singer, I think of it this way. In my lower register, I'm in my throaty voice. Like a bow dragging across a cello, except not as pretty because I'm better with the high stuff. That's where I'm gravelly, could go hoarse if I stay too long in that range. Plus, if I'm too low, I'm a little airy. Then there's my middle voice where it's no voice at all, it's all faking and just bouncing around off the walls and vocal chords with as much air as I can muster and hoping no one notices that I'm not actually dragging anything across the chords at all, I'm just blowing air across them. I think I have about three notes in the middle voice fakery range. Then there's my upper voice, my head voice. That's my power range. My second soprano stuff up to about an E-flat, which is my very best note. Then there's my falsetto, which is strong up to a point, probably B-flat, then it gets all airy and suffocated and screechy. But at least I know my range. I sing outside of it to stretch myself in the privacy of my home, but I know my limits in public. /boring singer discourse.

Haley is all middle voice fakery. No voice. I really think she made it through on her looks. RANDY: Pretty much in tune, no YO factor, interesting song choice. PAULA: I think that's the kind of song you sing well. You look great. SIMON: I thought it was horrible. Ghastly high school musical. Halfway through the song, I told Paula I don't know your name. RANDY: No YO. SARAHK: Yo Yo Ma. PAULA: Her name is Haley. SIMON: What's her surname? PAULA: Her what? [She asked it like that, like he asked something offensive. What's a surname was going through her mind. What's a surname, and this is a family show. I have morals!] RYAN: Haley Scarnato. So. Give us an idea. How tough is it to listen to comments like that? HALEY: Clock in, clock out. I've had bad comments every week. PAULA: Nuh-uh! HALEY: Well, not from everyone. Simon doesn't like me though. SIMON: I like you, but what could be your final performance, you didn't do yourself any favors with that song. SARAHK: I'm soooo bored! RYAN: Does she have a chance for the top 12, Paula? PAULA: Blibberdy blinkidy blick! Anybody's game ya ya sisterhood! SARAHK: Pack up.

05... Stephanie Edwards has been singing forever. Like since she was a kid. I'm in shock! She looks like a birthday gift with those weird satin blue stripes on her dress. I'm not on board with it. She's singing "Sweet Thang" by Chaka Khan, whom Randy only ever calls "Chaka", because you know, he must know her or something. Old friends. I have to tell you, this is not good either. She's pitchy, dawg. Missing a ton of low notes, I can't hear those. Getting pretty yelly and screechy near the end. Seems like she's off with the band at one point? Maybe. She's all over the place here. She's really flat in a couple of spots. I'm not feeling her tonight. Wow. RANDY: A for valiant effort. I hear my friend Chaka in my head. Be careful not to copycat. I don't know, man. PAULA: Darn near flawless. But watch falling behind the beat a little. Great showmanship. SIMON: No question, you're one of the best. You tend to be a little copycat. You've 100% done enough to get to the top 12. RYAN: Does she have the YO factor? RANDY: Definitely, but Chaka done sung Chaka. It can't be sung no more. Pick different songs. SARAHK: That was your only bad performance to date. And all your songs are starting to sound alike. Please mix it up a little. But you definitely deserve to be in the top 12.

06... LaKisha Jones is next and says that she is terrified of all animals. I'm out. When she goes to people's houses, she asks them to lock up their dogs and even cats. Did I mention I'm out? She might as well have said that she hates children, minorities, and the blind while she was at it. Or loves illegal immigration and gun control. Asks people to lock up their cats. Pfeh. She's singing "I Have Nothing" by Randy's friend Whitney. She looks pretty, dressed in a nice black dress and black knee boots. Silver and rhinestone jewelry. Hair is flat and long. Ok, already LaKisha is turning into Ruben Studdard for me. She didn't even do the key change? For me that was boring and nothing I haven't heard a million times before. It's like she had the one song from Dreamgirls a couple of weeks ago and then didn't have a plan B or plan C. I mean, it was a good vocal, but last week and this week, she has brought no emotion, no feeling to the stage. I'm bored with her already. RANDY: Not your best, but another great one by the great LaKisha. You're our pimped preordained winner! PAULA: You're the next American Idol! LAKISHA'S AUNT: That's my niece! That's my niece! SIMON: What you've brought that the others lacked is passion, talent, believability... RANDY: YO. SARAHK: I'm sorry, did we watch the same performance? I thought I was watching a more talented, prettier, and smaller breasted Ruben. SIMON: And tonight you look beautiful. RYAN: Auntie and Mama need their own show. LAKISHA: I told them don't act up.

07... Gina Glocksen is next. She carries good luck charms. A troll and a stuffed pickle. La la la la la la. She looks great, she's in her edgy clothes to match her edgy hair and her tongue bolt. She's singing "Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence. Perfect song choice, IMAO. And what lovely and talented snarker told her to do Evanescence? Yes, that was me, and when you make the top 12, Gina, you may thank me. You're welcome. She sounds great, she's in tune, she owns the stage, she's completely comfortable in her skin, in her clothes, her makeup. I loved this performance. She owned it. RANDY: Finally the real Gina. You rocked out. PAULA: I agree, but don't oversing. This is definitely your style of music. SIMON: You enjoyed that, didn't you? This is the girl we wanted in the competition. You tended to scream the song, but I genuinely hope you make it through to next week. You're a breath of fresh air. GINA: Thank you! SIMON: Pleasure. [a wink] SARAHK: Aww! A moment! I might cry too! Except I'm cranky, so not likely. But anyway, I loved it, and I called in and voted for you at least ten times. I lost count, but I know it was at least ten. GINA: That's the Simon I love! RYAN: You have such a great personality! SARAHK: She is not ugly. GINA: I think I just needed to hear Simon say that last week, and I'm so much more comfortable now. SARAHK: BTW, you also get the Most Improved trophy for the week.

08... Melinda Doolittle admits not to having a little bit of OCD but to giving things equal opportunity. Chew food on one side, chew the same # of times on the other side. Step on a crack with one foot, step on it with the other. The kids love the Peggy Lee this season. Melinda is singing "I'm a Woman". This is excellent. She is in full control. This is probably a slightly more difficult song than Gina's, so I probably have to call her the winner of the night by a hair. She looks great, too. Energetic, pointed, soulful. LaKisha, take notes. RANDY: Hottest of the night. Consummate pro. You need to be in the studio making a record. WHAT! PAULA: You're so phenomenal, likeable, loveable, pom pom poodle! SIMON: You little tiger! I thought we had a pussycat! I loved that! It's very nice that you're actually enjoying being on the show. We're definitely going to see you next week. SARAHK: I'm about to nickname you The Silent Thanker if you don't start thanking the judges out loud for their stellar remarks in your direction. You always smile, blink, and nod, and I think you try to mouth the words, but they aren't coming out. Why don't you give it a shot. Anyway, yeah, I'll give you the blue ribbon tonight. Yet again. You're starting to hog them all, though, aren't you? Mind playing nice with the other girls, Melinda?

The order tonight...

08 Melinda** (voted for her twice)
07 Gina********** (voted for her at least 10 times)
06 LaKisha
01 Jordin
02 Sabrina
05 Stephanie
03 Antonella
04 Haley (hard to decide last place, but the armpits give her the edge)

Melinda and Gina were the only ones worth voting for. Who goes home? Antonella and Haley aren't even in the same league with the other girls. No doubt. But this is American Idol, not American Best Singer. It's possible that I'm worrying too much over Stephanie, because maybe people who don't know music (like the vote-happy teenagers -- I'm not vote-happy, I only voted 10 times for Gina, so shut up) won't have heard how bad that performance was and will vote for her anyway. She definitely deserves to be in the top 12. She's consistently been one of the best. Sabrina's song choices get worse every week, and I wonder if America is seeing the trend along with me and will want to run far far away. I hope not, because she's good too. I'd be perfectly ok with Jordin leaving, and after the song she did tonight, so underwhelming, it is a possibility... But maybe America will wise up and stop the madness. I'm going to hope against hope and predict that Antonella and Haley finally get their long overdue walking papers.

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Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

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