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March 12, 2007
Frank Facts About Fred Thompson
Posted by Frank J. at 10:01 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (71)

It's sounding more and more likely that Fred Thompson will run for the Republican nomination for President. Can he win, though, when it's well known that his penchant for bureaucracy nearly kept Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood from getting the job done against terrorists and assassins?

I think he can.

Actually, the more I find out about Fred Thompson, the more I think he needs to be President. And I mean he should be President right now, like Dick Cheney should resign, President Bush should then appoint Fred Thompson to be Vice-President, and then President Bush should resign.

Do you think I'm going overboard when I've only just started to learn about Fred Thompson, but you won't when you read this:

AWESOME FACTS ABOUT FRED THOMPSON

* Fred Thompson has on multiple occasions pronounced "nuclear" correctly.

* Fred Thompson has blasted more people in the face with a shotgun than even Dick Cheney.

He's Fred Thompson. You're nothing.
* The masked executioner of Saddam Hussein: Fred Thompson.

* Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.

* Fred Thompson is the only person to have ever bested Miyamato Mushashi in a duel. The reason Musashi is so vague about the book of the void is because the fifth ring of combat is really Fred Thompson.

* The reason Fred Thompson didn't want to stay in the Senate for long is because all the extra scrutiny kept him from doing his favorite hobby: Prowling the streets at night killing drug dealers.

* Every night before going to sleep, Osama bin Laden checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson took over what was Al Gore's Senate seat, thereby dramatically reducing the Senate's carbon footprint. Fred Thompson then created carbon offset offsets by wastefully burning hippies.

* The Fremen consider "Fred Thompson" a killing word.

* Fred Thompson reconsidered running for reelection after 9/11 but later decided to handle things on his own. He was soon seen entering the Middle East with a bottle of tequila in one hand an a handgun in the other. They're still counting the dead.

* Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn't stopped wetting his pants.

* Fred Thompson's gaze can kill small animals.

* Fred Thompson once ended a filibuster by ripping out a Senator's heart and showing it to him before he died.

* The actual cause of global warming: Fred Thompson's burning rage.

* The budget to Law & Order was dramatically increased when Fred Thompson was added to the cast because he has to be digitally inserted into the scenes since anytime he's near Hollywood liberals, he kills them.

* Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson once stood on our south border and glared at Mexico. There was no illegal immigration for a month.

* Scientists predict that when Fred Thompson dies he'll explode taking out the five nearest planets before collapsing into a black hole.

* At a campaign stop, a Belgian Hound tried to hump Fred Thompson's leg. That breed of dog no longer exists.

* Fred Thompson vows not only to win in Iraq but also to forcefully free Vietnam from Communism, thus giving America a perfect win/loss record for wars again.

* If you purchase a weather radio, it will wake you up with an alarm to warn you when Fred Thompson is pissed off.

* An abortion doctor tried to kill Fred Thompson when he was still in the womb, but he cut off the man's hand with scalpel while shouting, "Do you know who I am? I'm Fred Thompson!"

* Webster's Dictionary defines "conservatism" as "how closely one's views resemble those of Fred Thompson."

* Fred Thompson's sense of strategy is so great that he can checkmate you using only a pawn and a knight.

* Fred Thompson can know both the exact position and momentum of a particle. Furthermore, he knows Schroedinger's cat is dead because he personally strangled it.

* The most efficient airline security is to have Fred Thompson stare down everyone entering a plane.

* When terrorists get to the afterlife, they'll find that none of their seventy-two women are still virgins. Why? Because of Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson can open clamshell packaging without the slightest trouble.

* In a butterfly ballot, no matter where you punch it the vote goes to Fred Thompson.

* Why does Iran want nuclear weapons? Out of fear of Fred Thompson.

* Some versions of the Bible have Mathew 5:5 read, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth... unless Fred Thompson wants it."

Rating: 2.5/5 (69 votes cast)

Fred Thompson Facts
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