There is a growing menace in our country, one greater than anything else we face. This group of people is a continuing threat to our way of life. They are inhuman beasts and incapable of restraint. I am speaking of course of celebrities. They have great power and great irresponsibility, using their influence to further the cause of stupidity and licentiousness while going on crazed, drug-addled rampages. They think that, because of their power, they are above the standards of normal people. They are a continuing and growing danger, and that's why we have to give celebrities the attention they warrant.

 The first step is a Celebrity Registration Act. It will put into law that all celebrities must register with either the government or People magazine. The public must then be notified whenever a registered celebrity is coming to their town or mall's opening. Registration is only the first step, though. Next, they must be monitored. The most dangerous celebrities should be followed with cameras at all times, their every move recorded and broadcast to a concerned public. More minor celebrity threats only need be monitored periodically in a "Where Are They Now" segment on a cable channel.

To make tracking easier, celebrities should be simple code designation made from from character strings such as "J-Lo" or "K-Fed." Tracking results should be published weekly in journals made available to the public at the library or in the check-out line at supermarkets. For especially concerned citizens, they should be able to have those journals delivered to their home at substantial savings off the cover price.

When celebrities step outside the law or befall tragedy, it is most important that all Americans hear about it. Repeatedly. Such news should have precedence over anything else that is happening either domestically or foreign. Nothing should concern us more. All aspects of any surrounding trial should be scrutinized publicly, and any tidbit about it -- no matter how minor it seems -- should be shared with the American people. To help reform celebrities, certain out of the way places should be designated to allow them to detox. Only under these special conditions can monitoring of a celebrity cease.

Because of the menace and vile influence of celebrities, their coupling is of great concern to us. If any are to marry, we must know immediately and be allowed to see photos. No celebrity marriage should ever be allowed to happen in secret. Of even greater importance is whether celebrities have children, creating and even more vapid generation of celebrities to come. Thus, if video is ever found of one of them engaged in the act of reproduction, it should be made available on the internet at once. When one produces spawn, pictures of the baby must be made public as soon as possible... even if the said pictures cost millions. Also, whatever weird alien name celebrities give their children should be put in the news over and over until we know the names better than that of our own kids.

The threat of celebrities can only be diminished if we pay them constant attention. That's why everything I propose should be put into effect yesterday. Also, celebrities should have to respond to my e-mails.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam" and "The Big Book of Famous Celebrities You've Never Heard Of".

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