Previously on 24, Martha Logan stabbed Charles Logan for his past crimes, and when they cuffed her, she said, "What's that for? They should give me a medal." Amen, sista. Also, she and Aaron are together, which is awesome, but he's been relegated to being kind of her errand boy, which makes me like him less, and even though Martha is not with Charles anymore and is with a much better dude, and Charles is the one who made her crazy, she's in a mental institution. Which kinda makes me crinkle my forehead in annoyance. Welcome to Day 6.

That's pretty much all the good stuff that happened last week. Or this season after Jack shot Curtis in the neck.

I guess I'll snark tonight, but not in detail. Are y'all excited? Me almost too.

I don't know who I have to tell that the V-Cast commercials are disgusting and unclean, but again! Nobody is putting his earbuds in my ears. It's my policy.

Ooooh! Jack's gonna find out something about Audrey tonight! I hope it's that she's a terrorist. Or dead. Or underwent electroshock therapy to become not whiny. How 'bout it, science?

More last week on 24: Vice President Noah Daniels has a square face and is a bit power hungry. OH! And last week, when I was snarking this and never finished it, because the show is so boring now, I wrote the following. It's too good not to share with you:

The guy at the Russian embassy who was helping Jack and wearing a red shirt gets killed by the guy who always played an extra named Vasiliy on ALIAS.

I AM SO AWESOME! I JUST HAD A LAUGHING FIT THAT MADE MY MIGRAINE TEN TIMES WORSE! JUST AS I WAS TYPING THAT BIT ABOUT THE GUY WHO ALWAYS PLAYED AN EXTRA NAMED VASILIY ON ALIAS, JACK SHOOTS THAT GUY, AND THE RUSSIAN CONSUL, WATCHING ON SURVEILLANCE, SAYS, "THE AMERICAN HAS JUST KILLED VASILIY. He's in the basement." HAHAHAHAHAHA!

LOL, last week, I named the Vice President "Vice President OTT", and I have no idea what OTT stands for. Anyone know? I apparently did not tell my husband. I was too busy with my laughing fit about Vasiliy to go back and fill in the acronym even once. Anyway, I'm going to call him VPOTT, and maybe one of you will come up with what OTT (yeah, you know me) stands for.

Finally Jack has told Buchanan that Gredenko and bin Diesel are in the Shadow Valley. Doyle lets Jack know quickly that he, not Jack, is in charge. Well, that's good, because when Jack is in charge, Jack shoots Curtis in the neck, and SarahK holds grudges FOREVER and stops snarkage. Jack has internal bleeding. Buchanan tells VPOTT that Gredenko has the drones with the nukes in the SV, yo, and OTT smirks and chuckles, because that (the smirking) solves national security problems.

In the SV, yo, Gredenko is all talking like Jack with the d word and tells bin Diesel that the Americans know where they are. Bin Diesel says hey, now it's Markov's fault that the Americans found us out, and blah blah blah, we're tired of you making us feel like we have little penises. Tonight you Russians are the ones with the tiny wee-wees! Ha ha! It's your faults! Not ours for once! We get to have bigger wangs for once. Gredenko says they need to get out of the SV, yo, now and launch one of the drones right now. His small-peep'd underling says the Americans will shoot it down before it reaches its target -- well, thanks for ruining the ending of the episode for us! -- but launches the drone anyway. They start to move out as the drone launches. Yawn.

Nadia (Yassir) is visibly upset and has caught the 24 whisper disease. Milo asks if she's ok. No, not really. Chloe comes over. She finally had a good line last episode ("I'm feeling ambivalent"), so I have hope for her. She tells Milo and Nadia (Yassir) that she noticed Nadia (Yassir) is doing work under Milo's account. See, I'm feeling ambivalent, too, because I like Chloe because she shot up terrorists in season 4. Yet I like Milo because he blew stuff up in season 6. I have no feelings on Nadia (Yassir), because she has proven herself neither to be a mole nor a mole outer, and all she is is a boring subplot thus far. So it's a conflict between two characters, one of whom I have liked for two seasons longer, but who honestly has started to annoy me this season because she won't just let her ex-husband alone, and because coital bliss is making her a boring character. Anyway, Chloe says she's not doing anything about the noticing, she just wants them to know, because if she noticed, someone else will notice. Chloe's way too nice since Deadger died.

Morris has found the drone, so we have found the plot for this episode. All we have to find out now is whether this nuke is headed for L.A. or... L.A... HAHAHAHA. This show is too predictable. One day the terrorists will learn that Chloe O'Brien lives in L.A. and will decide that maybe she doesn't want to die today. She's like Superman without the Kryptonite weakness. Perhaps they should try Chicago. San Francisco? Uh, I don't know... Miami. Though I'd equally miss any American city, blah blah, disclaimer, not advocating, usual stuff.

Anyway, a shocker occurs! Morris has lost the drone off his little drone map. So we have our problem for the hour. The General on the path to intercept will stay in a holding pattern.

Meanwhile, Gredenko's little-peep'd guy tells G that he has disabled CTU's ability to track the drone. Wily bees! Get it? Drone? Bees? Yeah, me either.

In Washington, where it is after Bisquick's bedtime, Bisquick is in the Bunker telling VPOTT (what does that MEAN?) that CTU lost the drone. VPOTT gets all yelly and interrupts Bisquick to assemble the Joint Chiefs. He tells the peeps assembled in the bunker that he will ask the Joint Chiefs to draw up targets in some unnamed Middle Eastern country (that country Assad was from -- you know, Assad is the dead terrorist that Jack murdered Curtis to save -- in vain, mind you) for his own nuclear strike. I'll bet President Waynewreck would be NOT on board with this. Especially since he's a giant wuss who would have to see his entire country destroyed before he'd even think about retaliation.

I'm torn over this. Not over 24. I'm quite sure it's boring this season. I'm torn over whether I like this whole retaliation thing. On one hand, I'm the viewer, so I know everything going on... plus, I know China's got to have some part in this, the stinkin' Commies... not to mention that VPOTT is so smarmy that I feel like I should go wipe the TV screen at every commercial break to clean the slime off the screen. Icky.

7:15p.m.
Chloe says the drone should already have reached L.A., so L.A. can come off the list of targets. Next on the list are SF, Phoenix, and Vegas. Hey, you keep your nukes off our gays, our whores, and our... Arizonans. Jack is now at CTU with his internal bleeding but is walking perfectly. He wants to know about Gredenko, and Bill tells him Gredenko escaped after launching the drone, and oh, by the way, get to medical. He tells Jack to get to medical and Nurse Silver Spoons to run point. Jack hates Doyle, because he wants to be him.

Jack's sister-in-law (and son's mother) is at CTU to tell him she always regretted things didn't work out between them. Because that's what grieving wives do. Jack tells her oh yeah, I loved you too, but hey, there was this whiny girl named Audrey before I went to China. Mrs. Petrelli says but Audrey's DEAD! SarahK says, "YAY!" but then knows in her heart of darkness that it's too good to be true. Because the writers of 24 killed Tony and Michelle and Curtis, so they hate SarahK. They hates her. Me. Us. Jack looks like he might puke, but like always when he looks like he might do that, he runs and confronts Chloe instead. "Why didn't no one tell me?" "Buchanan didn't want to tell you when you first got back, because we figured bin Diesel was gonna kill you anyway. I guess we shouldn't tell you your daughter's a whore, and really stupid, either, right?" Turns out (supposedly) that Audrey went to China to look for Jack, because she is soooo smart and figured the Chinese took Jack, and there were some remains identified that were Audrey's. No details as to how she kicked it. She probably whined herself to death.

Actually, I'll bet she's not dead at all, because of reasons listed above. Look who's dead, and then there's Audrey. If Chloe's alive at the end of this season, I'll be in shock.

VPOTT's blonde hooter's girl tells VPOTT that Mr. F is still acting NSA and will attend the meeting of the Joint Chiefs. Speak of the Devil, Mr. F comes to see the Bisquick, and she asks if he got pushed down the stairs. "No, Karen, I tripped over your ineptitude." BOO, and YAH! I like him. I hope they're not trying to make me like her over him, because she became shrill early on this season, and he was made out to be someone who just really loves the country and doesn't want to see it go down in politically correct flames. He's screwed up some, yeah, but she's a shrill, PC apologist who makes me want to throw up on myself for funsies. They exchange sadness over what happened to Waynewreck.

VPOTT convenes the meeting and tells everyone about the nuke containing the drone. He also tells everyone about the potential retaliatory strike of the fictionary country at the northern border of the country that would result in 2000 deaths and show how well we take being nuked on American soil and whatnot. Mr. F starts her shrill apologies for the Middle East or whomever and blah blah blah, mistake mistake mistake, we're just supposed to sit back and take it for as long as anyone wants to dish it out.

Here's the thing: whether bin Diesel's home government is behind this or not is becoming irrelevent. We've been nuked once now, and we're about to be nuked a second time. This after months and months of attacks, thousands of lives lost. At some point we have to attack someone. Some government is financing this. This isn't just one guy with a bunch of money. And even if it is, the American people won't see it that way, and more importantly, the world won't see it that way. All our holding back because we can't prove who is attacking us will show the world is not restraint; it's that you can attack us on our home base and we won't do a thing about it. A little too PC for my taste.

I guess what I'm saying is that Mr. F should SHUT HER PIE HOLE!

As smarmy as VPOTT is, he has to do something, and standing up for America is a good move. Finally, someone with testicles. He tells the Admiral to have a nuclear strike sub to stand by.

7:28 p.m.
Nadia (Yassir) has given stuff to Morris, and Milo is all jealous. So now Milo is going to be jealous of Nadia instead of Chloe. He asks Chloe if Morris is better, or if he's just better because he had a drink. SarahK is tired of this crap and thinks Milo should maybe step back his jealousy bit since Morris got tortured earlier and Milo didn't have someone drill through his shoulder. MILO: I need you to do me a favor. CHLOE: No. SARAHK: LOL. Milo wants Chloe to check Morris's breath because he's jealous. She kisses Morris, and when he asks why, she reverts to classic Chloe! CHLOE: Just checking your breath. SARAHK: LOL! Yay! It's fun to snark again!

Mr. F tells Bisquick she knows he's not in favor of the nuclear strike. So now she wants to team up and says hey, Waynewreck wouldn't want any of this to happen. He tells her not to presume what he believes and notes that Waynewreck made wrong decision after wrong decision today. So maybe your husband should step up and stop the drone if you want the nuclear attack stopped.

Chloe tells the CTU team that the satellite data from CTU is being relayed from CTU to the drone... and Bill says, "One of our own people?" and SarahK says, "Whaaaaaat??? A mole at CTU? I wonder if it's Nadia (Yassir)?" Then again, hear me out, Morris did get the nukes all nice and working for the terrorists, and he could actually look a little terroristy... And then there's Milo. Milo has given Nadia, the Muslim, his login to use, and Nadia has been so chaste in using it... or HAS SHE??? Nadia's probably going to frame Milo for it, and then in the end it will turn out that it was Nadia all along, and that will be the only thing that doesn't turn all the viewers completely away from 24 this season. Because if you think that the core audience isn't completely fed up with all the "The Muslims are our best tool" bullcrap, then you're wrong, writers. Get over yourselves.

Either that, or it will turn out that Chloe was so mad that the Americans let Jack rot in China for 2 years that she turned against them. But I doubt it.

Anyway, Nurse Silver Spoons immediately profiles Nadia because she's a Mooooslim and says that they should trace her computer first, because profiling is smart, and finally this show makes an ounce of sense this season. Oh, and by the way, she's already been tagged. Milo gets all ticked off, and NSS says you just want to get in her panties, and Bill says hey Nurse Silver Spoons is right. We can't be stupid morons and pretend we live in the EU. Check her computer. And Chloe says hey, it checks out. So SarahK decides that either it is Nadia (real world likely), or Milo is framing her but we won't find out till later in the season, or Morris is and it will be super-elaborate. Either of the latter, and we'll all go, "huh?" when they try to explain it, because they're both late-season additions to the script.

So Bill says to shut down the workstation, and for some reason, the only way to do that is to shut down CTU's mainframe for 20 minutes. Because CTU's computers are stuck in the 1800s? Milo watches all sad and puppy-dog-eyed as Nadia says, "Bill, I'm not a traitor!" and is carted off by security. Morris looks on. Hmmmmmm. Bill tells Morris to secure the station and find where the leak is going. He waits until Nurse Silver Spoons goes away before he continues his work. Let's repeat, everyone: Muslims are our greatest asset. Oh look! I see a dead horse! Let's beat it! Gredenko talks to a small-peep'd man and finds out that a bomb will detonate over San Francisco in 20 minutes. But that's where Ghirardelli Square is! And if I'm not mistaken, See's Candies is headquartered there! Plus, if it detonates, we won't be able to make any jokes about it or the fact that its people elected Nancy Pelosi ever again! Please, stop the attack! For the love of pete!

7:39p.m.
Mr. F goes to see President Waynewreck's doctor to find out how he's doing. He's in a coma, but his vitals are strong. "He's a fighter." Are you sure you're looking at the right chart? Because the guy I'm thinking of would appease that coma right into cooperation. Mr. F asks the doctor if he can bring the president back so she can talk to him, you know, as a matter of national security and shrillness. The doc says he would need consent from the family, but it's super-risky. Sandra Palmer is there for consent purposes. Looky! Shrill times two! Yay!

At CTU, Nurse SS is questioning Nadia (Yassir) while Chloe, Morris, and Milo try to prove the innocence of Nadia (Yassir). NSS warns Nadia (Yassir) with a choke hold that he will do what's necessary to protect the country. Ok, I'm a fan. He can replace Jack Bauer. He didn't shoot Curtis, nor fail Tony. Milo comes in and tells Nurse Silver Spoons that they have found the drone pilot's location on Nadia (Yassir)'s computer. It's three miles from CTU. How convenient! They do like to stay close to CTU. NSS leaves but warns Milo that they're not through with Nadia (Yassir).

Milo gets all stoic and asks Nadia (Yassir) if she's ok. She says, "Milo. You know I didn't have anything to do with this. Because I'm a Muslim. And therefore one of America's greatest assets!" She tells Milo to get out of the interrogation room.

Jack, in medical, is looking at Audrey's file, which is a bunch of watercolor paintings of Audrey's death? Car accident or something. Jack sees people mobilizing and asks what's going on. Dude, they like totally have a location on the drone! Jack asks Chloe what's going on, and she tells him. He says he will need a PDA and a phone. No mention of a JackAttackSack. Bill comes up and wants to know whatsup, and Jack's like, why didn't you say nothin'? Bill's like, you were dead anyway, we figured why make it worse? Jack thinks Bill should have told Jack about Audrey, because Jack thinks Audrey was murdered, because that's a natural assumption about someone so whiny, murder for the purpose of shutting her up. Jack says he has to see this thing through "for Audrey" because she was so whiny. Nevermind for Kim and for Teri. Audrey. Audrey went to get him out of Chinese prison because she thought he was worth it. Even though he wasn't, because he saves terrorists over soldiers.

Jack MUST track down the people responsible for Audrey's murder, don't you know, Bill?

7:50 p.m.
Little-wang-man tells Gredenko the nuke will detonate very soon over San Francisco. Like in this episode and everything! And he's playing with a videogame joystick to set off the bomb!

Now Jack and Nurse SS are in the field together at the location of Little-wang-man so they can stop the drone and the detonation. They storm the castle easily with their suppressors. L-w-m tries to set off a grenade but can't pull his pin on his little grenade. Jack finds that the target is Frisco. They can't deactivate the bomb and can't veer the drone too steeply or something, or they'll stall it out and kill a bunch of people.

Chloe is walking him through it, and video game buffs would be good at this one. Jack somehow veers it offcourse and stalls the drone. Eventually, Jack crashlands the nuke somewhere around San Francisco. They are trying to wake the drone pilot. Fire and rescue show up but call for hazmat because radioactive materials are released. Poor first responders. :-( The VPOTT is calling it a dirty bomb and wants to bomb the other country anyway because he does not consider this a success. This just makes Karen even more shrill than EVER! Even Bisquick is agreeing with Shrilly Mr. F.

This country is ready for a woman president, and it should be me, on anaesthetic. Someone who would just pimp-slap Mr. F right out of the room.

VPOTT gives the order to launch the missile on the other country.

Next week on 24, Mr. F's voice reaches glass-breaking pitch. Bin Diesel and Gredenko fight. Mr. F goes to Sandra Palmer about waking up Wayne. Wayne crashes!

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Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

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