Hey, America! You're in control. This is American Idol.

Yes, you're so in control that Sanjaya will sing your favoritest songs tonight. Sing you a little lullaby.

Paula is giggly on her intro. That should be good for seal claps and Paula super crazy factor. Right off the bat, she tells the contestants to picture Simon nude. She admits to Simon that she does so.

Oh bother. It's the '60s night. British invasion work-in, but I'm sure they can sing whatever they want. Peter Noone and Lulu are here. Ok, so let's review. '60s night. Sunday night it took me over an hour to get to sleep. Tonight, I think I'll take an American Idol-brand sedative.

01 Haley Scarnato is singing "Tell Him" in hoo-hah shorts and an armpit blouse. With high-heels. I don't understand the shorts and high-heels thing. And there's a big armpitty high-five. Her entire back is bare. It was so boring and lackluster for me. I can't even snark much, because there was just nothing there. America will forget her by the end of the night. Bottom three without a doubt this week. Standing ovation? Do the people in the audience have buzzers on their seats that require that they shoot up at the end of the song? RANDY: Yo yo, Haley's back, best ever from you (??), definite YO factor, baby! Have my puppies! Haley's back in the competition! PAULA: You had a girlish quality, you flirted, you were adorable, good for you! SIMON: I used the "minx" word on Kellie Pickler last year, so I have to go with you naughty little thing. Young, fun, a little shrieky in the middle, but everyone will talk about a lot more than your singing tonight. SARAHK: You mean the armpits and jiggly bits? And the giant saucers that are hanging from her ears? For me, it went on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and... you get the point. My eyes are already heavy.

02 Chris Richardson is doing "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying". This was beautiful. Simple and beautiful. I might have even loved this more than "Geek in the Pink". RANDY: It was beautiful, one of your best vocals yet. PAULA: You're playing this game to win it. Acoustic arrangement, sexy and charming. SIMON: I think that was your best performance ever. Your control on the song was excellent, you didn't make it sound old-fashioned, I'm not familiar with the song. You were a little nasally, which you have to watch out for. SARAHK: I agree with Simon.

03 Stephanie Edwards gets a fan question. Stephanie says the hardest part of getting ready for the show is picking the song. Really? Because you pick the same song every week. Stephanie is singing "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me". Something actually felt a little off with this. She seemed almost a little out of breath on this one tonight. She had some pitch problems, and she kept doing that pause-and-hold thing that she does on every song, only it didn't work on this one because she sounded like she couldn't breathe. I hate the dress, am not crazy about the boots. Hair looks awesome. RANDY: Yo, great song choice, not your best performance, a little pitchy and choppy or something. PAULA: You're beautiful and picked the right song. You're a great singer, but I want you to have fun! Like me. Try vodka, it works for me. SIMON: How do you think you did? STEPH: I think I did well. SIMON: I think you're losing your soul, I thought it was very good nightclubby, cabaret. You've lost your edge, and you're not having fun. You're getting too old for yourself. SARAHK: Yes. Get out of your rut. You were really good in the beginning.

04 Blake Lewis is singing and beatboxing "Time of the Season". He needs to ignore anything Randy says to him. Because when he sings and scats a little, his voice is at the top of the guys' list. See, when he just stops and sings, his voice is so beautiful, but when he stops and beatboxes, he gets distracted and starts having pitch problems. Argh. And Blake, let's talk about your Jason Mraz outfit. Here's why you can't get away with it while Mr. A to Z can. You have a big squishy butt. Nothing wrong with big squishy butts, but those pants are not meant for big tushies. Plus the tight cord jackets just don't work on some people. I know what look you're going for, and it's a cool look on some people. You don't pull it off. So try moving on to cool t-shirts or something. But wow, I love your voice when it isn't distracted. Stop distracting yourself! Oh, and the weird slo-mo hip action dance moves? Eh-eh. No no. Make them go booo-bye. One more thing. Please no more songs that have been used in a million commercial jingles. Please! RANDY: I'm a huge fan, and yay! You made that song really current. PAULA: Giggle yay la la la rah rah jiggle yum! Yay for you! You could release that right now! Release the vodka! SIMON: A million times better than last week. You chose the right song and found the right way to do it without messing with the melody. Strongest performance so far. SARAHK: If you mean strongest tonight, you are so wrong, because Chris was way better tonight. It was fine but not Blake's best (the Keane song was better) and not tonight's best).

05 LaKisha is singing "Diamonds are Forever" after Lulu told her for sure that she should sing the other one she had in mind and make it her own. To which LaKisha returned a blank stare. Then Lulu tells the camera that "Diamonds" is one of Simon's favorite songs. And Ryan tells us that Kiki is wearing about a million dollars worth of diamonds. Do the other contestants get the same luxuries, or is it just the pimped preordained winners? Anyway, she's wearing yet another giant breasty dress, in case we haven't seen her giant floppy boobies enough in previous weeks. This one is green, though. I like the color. Not the cut. Nor the hair. Nor the performance. It's neverending and boring and safe. Next, please. She's Studdarded with diamonds tonight. Did you see what I did there? The play on words? With the whole Ruben thing... lazy implications... yes, I'm witty if nothing else. RANDY: Not my favorite performance, you have a big voice, but I didn't feel enough LaKisha in it. It was just a'ight. PAULA: I don't think you picked the wrong song. You're a very smart girl. Any time you sing about diamond, they'll give you diamonds to wear. We'll bodyguard you. How many millions are you wearing? SIMON: Millions of what? SARAHK: Why do we have to listen to Seacrest if no one else does? SIMON: This is the LaKisha I see in fifty years. Too old-fashioned. The performance, the dress, the hair, the everything. SARAHK: The phoning it in. RYAN: Are you surprised with the review? KIKI: You take the good with the bad with the ugly. FRANK J.: Which is which? SARAHK: Simon's the good, because he's the only one I agree with. Paula's the drunk. FRANK J.: That's not an option. SARAHK: Fine. She's the bad, because she never says anything. Randy's the ugly. FRANK J.: Poor Randy. SARAHK: Well, he's better than Paula. FRANK J.: I would have said Randy's the good, Simon's the bad, Paula's the ugly. SARAHK: But Simon's the only good judge! FRANK J.: But just like in the movie, the Bad is a really good shot but he's still a bad guy. SARAHK: The Man with No Name is also a really good shot. Simon's the good. RYAN: Cowell, what don't you like about this dress? SIMON: Your subject. RYAN: No, you're gay. SIMON: No, you are. RYAN: No, you are. SIMON: No, you are. SARAHK: We get it. You're friends.

06 Phil Stacey is singing "Tobacco Road". It looks like someone spit up all over his shirt. Is that a design? I like his jeans, though. I like him getting away from the power ballads, and I think this is kind of a good genre for him, but he didn't sell it. The harmony in the bare spots is kinda weird. How many times are they going to flash to his wife to prove to us that she does really still love him even though he wasn't there for the birth of the baby? We get it. She's very forgiving. This was better than last week, I think. Don't know, don't care. RANDY: Pretty good, couple pitchy spots. I like your upper register... In the end, it was pretty good for me. PAULA: Good song choice, a few pitchy spots, but I think you played it off well, and I think it was a good performance. SIMON: Third division bar band performance. You need grit to pull off a song like that. You weren't believable. You may have a problem tomorrow. SARAHK: I don't know, the men may be happy that he stopped singing girl songs.

07 Jordin Sparks is wearing a big cleavy dress. A song that describes her best... "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters. And now she's telling why. And she should just stop, because the more she speaks, the more I don't like her. She's been gaining ground with me, but she can lose it by continuing to speak. She's singing "I Who Have Nothing". Let's see if she can sing it without grinning like a puppy who just stole a steak off the grill. Judging from the the rehearsal, she actually will. ? A new her since Diana Ross got ahold of her. Most of this is excellent, but she does get a little bit of goat in her vibrato in a couple of spots, so she needs to be careful with that. Also, she's serious to the point of she looks like she might cry. Well, he loves someone else, so... Poor Jordin! She ran circles around LaKisha tonight. Take note, Kiki, because Jordin is kicking your pinkytoe with all your laziness. RANDY: One of the best performances tonight. Very controlled. PAULA: It doesn't matter that you're so young. You're a wonderful singer, wonderful performer. SIMON: You sang it beautifully, but I feel like jumping off a bridge. It was soooo gloomy. You did sing it beautifully though. RYAN: I think, Simon, to get it you have to have loved someone other than yourself. SIMON: No, you're gay. SARAHK: It was great. Watch the goat thing, and great job on not grinning through the pain, but don't overdo it, or Simon just might kill himself. And then we'd be left with Paula and Randy for judges.

08 Sanjaya Malakar is singing "You Really Got Me". And there is a girl in the audience who is bawling like a baby. She was crying after Haley sang, and I thought it was because of the armpit thing, but she is making it so hard for me to write. She's gotta be a plant. She's crying her eyes out. And they have flashed to her every two seconds in the song, and she is so much more entertaining than anything Sanjaya's ever done, including the hula. Sadly, this was probably Sanjaya's best performance ever, and that's saying something, because this was awful, and he was wearing sweaters on his fingers. And he thought he was a rocker or something, and Frank and I were just roaring with laughter the entire time at the girl. RANDY: You shocked me. You're usually reserved, and tonight you came out of your shell, and this was probably your best performance to date. PAULA: Go for it, this was great to see you like this, I'm glad you went for it. SIMON: I think the little girl's face says it all. RYAN: I think she actually liked him. (Ryan introduces her, her name is Ashley, and Sanjaya gives her a hug.) (To Ashley:) If you need anything, just let us know, we'll be right here. SARAHK: Tissue, more glycerin, a clue. Anything.

09 Gina Glocksen cut off her hair to her chin, and she looks great. She's dressed all edgy and stuff. Email question: Yes, she does believe being on AI has made her stronger. Absolutely, because there are a lot of critiques and stuff that they can see, blogs and stuff (SHOUT OUT TO SARAHK FROM THE GLOCK! I HEART YOU TOO! YOU'RE ONE OF MY FAVES!), and it can get you down (not if you do a great job and keep it tuned in to IMAO, Glock. Can I call you The Glock? I like guns, and that will make you even cooler.), but you have to stay confident. Try not to pay attention to the media. Try not to. Try not to. She's going to sing "Paint It Black". I think it's good she raised it a half step, because she might not have gotten the opening notes out if she hadn't. Or maybe that's me. Ok, this was good but could have been better. It wasn't horrible or anything, but I think she should have raised that song more than a half step or sang a different song. It's too low for her and doesn't show off her range. She has a much better range than she let on tonight. And The Glock needs a tan. RANDY: Just a'ight for me. Pitchy for me in spots. PAULA: This is what you have fun doing. And honestly, you picked Simon's favorite song. SIMON: Haha. Haha. Haha. PAULA: Well, it wouldn't be "Paint It Purple".

thanks to Cadet Happy for the image.
SIMON: There were moments of complete torture. Just not very good. That was style over content. To do well, you're going to have to do a lot better than that. Vocally, not good enough. SARAHK: It was good but you need to sing more. Rock out, but maybe rock out to songs with big strong long notes, because you can pull those off. Don't let Simon's early critiques scare you away from those. (The judges have a spat over freedom and stuff.)

10 Chris Sligh is singing "She's Not There". Peter Noone is worried that Chris might go too safe with the song since got in trouble with the arrangement last week. He's walking through the crowd, but he's completely ignoring the people in the audience. Looking only at the camera. Sing, navigate, sing, navigate. Watch out, don't kill Simon with the mic stand. Ok, the vocals were good, but I was a little bored. The male vocal prize of the night goes to Chris Richardson. RANDY: I love how you walked through the crowd! Started rough but ended strong. A little ahead of the beat. PAULA: I love how you're dressing and how you're working the audience, but feel free to be more personable with the audience. SARAHK: ... I agreed with Paula? That's some strong migraine I'm on tonight. SIMON: I don't think there was anything wrong with his audience work. It was fun, good vocal, much better than last week. Not your best vocal, but good work or something. CHRIS: Hi Dave! Fro Patro! SARAHK: I'm not on board with being called that. I might not be able to vote for him tonight because of that. Except that he's making fun of Taylor Hicks, and I'm still annoyed that Taylor has turned into one of those I-Hate-AI-and-Never-Needed-It DBs (insert your own words there) who didn't thank his AI fans on his CD liner notes. I'm still not ok with being called Fro Patro. (UPDATE: I was thinking the shoutout to Dave was a VFTW thing because I thought I read the Fro Patro thing over there this week, and Frank says it was.)

11 Melinda Doolittle is singing "As Long as He Needs Me". I'ma come right out and say it. I'm getting bored with her "Whaaaat? I'm a good singer?" act. You know you are. Quit actin' like you're not, and please, for the love of pete, say thank you. Just once. Ever. She's sitting on the edge of the stage. No blazer today, but she's still dressed modestly! See, ladies (LaKisha)? You don't have to have your baby feeders on permanent display! We know you have them. She looks nice. Her hair looks good, I like the change, it's flat and not fluffy, and she got it cut to her chin, too. Waaaaaah ha! The cryer (crier?) is still crying, and she squeezes out the big Sundancey glycerin tears, and then stops crying long enough to glance over at the big TV screen and see if she's on camera. She has to be a promo for a new Fox show. Maybe she's one of the smart little 5th graders. WHOA! Melinda just mouthed "thank you" to the audience! Awesome, because I was going to threaten that if she didn't thank somebody, I was going to boycott voting for her next week. I know now that they read the blogs (thanks, The Glock!). The vocals are boring at first, but then wow, just excellent. She's pure talent. RANDY: Best for last, you're a pro. PAULA: You're a story, beginning, middle, and end. SIMON: Are you really as nice as you seem? When it started, I thought it was a boring song, and then you made the second part of the song absolutely sensational with an impeccable vocal. SARAHK: I said that already. SIMON: SarahK, you naughty little fox. SARAHK: Yes, well... fox anyway.

The order of things...

11 Melinda Doolittle*
07 Jordin Sparks*
02 Chris Richardson*
09 Gina Glocksen (The Glock)*
04 Blake Lewis*
10 Chris Sligh
05 LaKisha Jones
06 Phil Stacey
03 Stephanie Edwards
01 Haley Scarnato
08 Sanjaya Malakar

The bottom three: Well last week there was justice, and Sanjaya was in the bottom two, so maybe he can be there again. So I'll go with Sanjaya, Haley, Phil. And going home... Hmm. Haley or Phil. Booo-bye, Haley. You cried your way into tonight's show last week, but not one of the judges slammed you tonight, so you're out.

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Rating: 3.7/5 (3 votes cast)

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