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March 22, 2007
The Planet Is a Bad Analogy...
"The planet has a fever. If your baby has a fever, you go to the doctor. If the doctor says you need to intervene here, you don't say, 'Well, I read a science fiction novel that told me it's not a problem.'" BTW, if you don't understand the latter part, the science fiction novel he is referencing is Beloved by Toni Morrison. The problem with his analogy is that anytime he says, "The planet has a fever," people are going to immediately respond, "And the only prescription is more cowbell!" So that doesn't help his cause. Incidentally, Gore refused to sign a pledge to reduce his own energy usage, so, I guess, if your baby has a fever, that doesn't mean you should stop coughing on him. Anyway, he needs some better analogies to properly describe how the earth is headed for disaster that will appeal to people in emotional terms (this is a moral issue, not a scientific one). Here are some ideas: * "The planet is a bag of chipmunks hanging over a active woodchipper by a single weak thread." * "The planet is a passenger trapped in a speeding car that's going head on into traffic and while being driven by a man with poor vision who is high on cocaine." * "The planet is a puppy in the house of a very thirsty Glenn Reynolds." * "The planet is knocked out in the trunk of a car being driven towards the docks by Italian-Americans with ties to organized crime." * "The planet is a fool for which Mr. T has run out of pity." * "The planet is an ensign in an episode of Star Trek who you've never seen previously and he's going on an away mission with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy." * "The planet is a beloved videogame being made into a movie by Uwe Boll." * "The planet just married Yoko Ono and wants to take things in a new direction." * "The planet just replaced E.D. Hill with Gretchen Carlson." * "The planet is an Indian kid who loves to hula who somehow keeps making it through each round of America Idol." * "The planet is New Coke." * "The planet is a candied ham sitting in front of a hungry hungry Rosie O'Donnell." * "The planet is a new game system costing $600 and having no significant launch titles." * "The planet is a Jew who took a wrong turn and ended up in the middle of Mecca." * "The planet is small and moving and a cat has spotted it." If you have some other suggestions for ways to portray the earth is headed for disaster, put them in the comments. 59 Responses To "The Planet Is a Bad Analogy..."
The planet is Keanu Reeves in a movie with extended dialogue. #2 - Posted by: Matty G on March 22, 2007 12:52 PMThe planet is chocolate... at the PMS convention. #3 - Posted by: Wacky Hermit on March 22, 2007 12:59 PMThe planet is a shapely donkey in Al Anbar. #4 - Posted by: Anon_please on March 22, 2007 01:03 PMThe planet is Bill Clinton's sack when Hillary finds out about his latest "conquest"... Of course I think the planet is fine...interestingly, Mars, Jupiter and Pluto are also heating up...obviously Bush, Cheney and Halliburtin's fault! #5 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on March 22, 2007 01:17 PMThe planet is the new intern in Bill Clinton's office. The planet is any alcoholic beverage at an Irish event. The planet is a fire hydrant in the dog park of life. Just one thing we should all remember, algore may have received C's in poli-sci, but he did invent the internet. #6 - Posted by: Powered by Guinness on March 22, 2007 01:25 PMThe planet is a person that just looked at Fred Thompson the wrong way. The planet is a small boy locked in a room with Michael Jackson. - The planet is an OxyContin pill in front of Rush Limbaugh - The planet is in the hands of the Bush Adminstration, the same people who planned the Iraq War - The planet is a "remarkable success story" according to Dick Cheney - The planet is a law that Voltron doesn't like - The planet is a joke made by ussjimmycarter #8 - Posted by: Sarcasm Man on March 22, 2007 01:30 PMThe planet is a person that just looked at Fred Thompson the wrong way. The planet is a small boy locked in a room with Michael Jackson. #9 - Posted by: Joel on March 22, 2007 01:31 PMThe planet is p*ssy at a Ron Jeremy house warming party. #10 - Posted by: Ron Rockstar on March 22, 2007 01:34 PMThe planet is like attending an Al Quaida meeting and not bringing ammo for your Assault Rifle. Great post. Finally we have a prescription on how to stop Global Warming beyond the usual rhetoric of stop consuming, stop breathing and give all your money to liberal groups. I might be willing to help out if it wasn't a step backward. Less efficient cars, voting democrat, becoming a vegetarian, build eco-houses, become a homosexual, have no children, no longer be Christian, appease aggressors & listen to Barbara Streisand's music. Wow what an awful way to live no wonder they hate us. #11 - Posted by: loomdog on March 22, 2007 01:44 PMThe planet just got caught eating the last donut at Michael Moore's house The planet is fuel in Al Gore's private jet. Jack Bauer just told the planet not to worry. #12 - Posted by: smitty on March 22, 2007 01:59 PMThe planet is a Big Mac within fifty feet of Michael Moore. The planet is a photographer pointing a camera at Sean Penn. The planet is a passenger in a car driven by a member of the Kennedy family. #13 - Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim on March 22, 2007 02:03 PMThe planet is a baby which is getting a sunburn and we keep trying to rearrange the lamps in the nursery to keep it from getting worse. The planet is a droid which is not letting the Wookie win. The planet is an unattended ice cream cone in the presence of a dog. #14 - Posted by: spacemonkey on March 22, 2007 02:09 PMThe planet is a troll post fact checked by Sarcasm Man. #16 - Posted by: Moneyman on March 22, 2007 02:14 PMThe planet is Wile E. Coyote suspended in midair over yet another canyon, silently pleading for assistance with a little "HELP!" sign on a stick. The planet is Sarcsamo trying to be relevant or hip to a great gag. The planet is Anna Nicole's baby. #17 - Posted by: PaleoMedic on March 22, 2007 02:15 PMsmitty and I were posting concurrently, which is how we ended up with virtually identical Michael Moore comments. Sorry. Here are some sports-inspired ones: The planet is the Cubs in a pennant race. The planet is Stanford's 2006 football team. The planet is Rex Grossman in the Super Bowl. The planet is the Detroit Lions. The planet is the Arizona Cardinals. The planet is the Oakland Raiders. #18 - Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim on March 22, 2007 02:15 PMThe planet is an actor in I (Heart) Huckabees. The planet is a director in I (Heart) Huckabees. #19 - Posted by: IllTemperedCur on March 22, 2007 02:47 PMThe planet is a booger in Ralph Wiggums's nose. The planet is Michael Richards's post-Seinfeld career. The planet is as delicate and fragile as The Donald's hairline. #20 - Posted by: PaleoMedic on March 22, 2007 02:55 PMThe planet has meddled in the affairs of dragons and tastes good with ketchup? #21 - Posted by: tommy on March 22, 2007 03:06 PMPolitical science is a type of science, just like a lightning bug is a type of lightning. #22 - Posted by: Stewart on March 22, 2007 03:07 PMThe planet is a piece of uncovered meat in the presence of Islamic Australian cats. Raw, red, tasty meat. #23 - Posted by: Keith on March 22, 2007 03:10 PMThe planet is an original idea in Rosie O'Dunkin's head (soon to die of loneliness) The planet is an Al-Qaida turban in the cross-hairs of a .50 Cal sniper rifle (pop goes the weasel) The planet is that little mole on your back that you really have to twist to see in the mirror and at first it was just a little thing so you didn't think much of it but then one day you notice that it's really gotten huge and it's shaped kind of funny and you ask your significant other to look at it but they get grossed out cuz there's a big old hair sticking out of it and you know you should go to the doctor but you're afraid of what it might be so you just ignore it but you really can't and the thought is always at the back of your mind "what if it's cancer" and it bugs you but you still can't bring yourself to go. KnowhuddImean? The planet is that little anoying kid in high school that had the permanent squirrely. The planet is a failing grade in divinity school. The planet is a small insignificant cosmic body that is regulated by it's much larger and powerful sun....no, wait.... #24 - Posted by: FormerHostage on March 22, 2007 03:11 PM* The Planet is a pet dog dropped off at the PETA animal rescue facility. * The Planet is a buffet to which Algore has just arrived. * The Planet is an American Soldier at a "Progressive Peace Rally." The planet is a lost wallet on a bus. The planet is a kilowatt nearly to Belle Meade. #26 - Posted by: spacemonkey on March 22, 2007 03:19 PM-The planet is a man that can channel the One Power. The planet is a Buick driven over a bridge by Chappaquiddick Ted Kennedy. * The planet is a Border Patrol agent stopping an alien drug-dealing invader. The planet is a man who just said "Oh yeah, whadda ya gonna do about it punk?!?!?!?" to Chuck Norris. #30 - Posted by: Roast Beast on March 22, 2007 03:49 PM- The planet is a fetus in the womb of a NARAL member. * The planet is Kenny. * The planet is a polar bear cub in the hands of animal rights activists. I am the planet. I'm super cereal. #34 - Posted by: Al Gore on March 22, 2007 04:25 PMThe planet is Al Gore running against Hillary in 2008. #35 - Posted by: karanadon137 on March 22, 2007 04:51 PMThe planet is a bond girl's career after her stint with 007. #36 - Posted by: Tom on March 22, 2007 05:07 PMThe planet is Robin Williams' career after Mrs. Doubtfire. The planet is a waitress and Bill Clinton just said, "Heyyy, yer a cute lil thing, arntchye?" The planet is Frank J at a Harvard or Yale class reunion (since the Gorecaster did his collegiate bongs at Harvard, not at Yale) #37 - Posted by: Snarcrates on March 22, 2007 06:03 PMThe planet is Elizabeth Edwards coming down with cancer while John "Don't Call Me A Faggot" Edwards is busy trying to scam his way into the presidency. #38 - Posted by: Anon Y. Mous on March 22, 2007 06:29 PMThe planet is britney spears and carbon credits are a hollywood rehab clinic. #39 - Posted by: zip on March 22, 2007 06:34 PMThe planet is a baby polar bear at a PETA meeting. #40 - Posted by: fisherman on March 22, 2007 07:36 PMThe planet is CNN's ratings in the 8 PM time slot. The planet is John Kerry at a Swiftboat Veterans for Truth gathering. The planet is a gerbil at a gay brothel. #41 - Posted by: Damian G. on March 22, 2007 08:04 PMThe planet is a passanger in Ted Kennedy's car. The planet is the back section of Michael Moore's underware. The planet is a blue dress worn by one of Bill Clinton's interns. The planet is like a particle of brain in Sarchasmo's head. The planet is like facts to a liberal. The planet is like an al-quida member who entered the room of a Marine Corps reunion. The planet is like a genuine crime victom inside the headquarters of the ACLU. The planet is like trying to find a legal citizen at a La RAZA meeting. The planet is like a hippie at a John Birtch Society meeting. The planet is like a rabbit who's just run across a shooting range. The planet is like a gradeschool boy who walked into a NAMBLA meeting. The planet is like Rosie O'Dumbell trying to get a date. The planet is like a Red Diaper Doper Baby calling the Savage Nation. spacemonkey just used mine! *sob* I'll do mine anyways: "The planet is saying "why, yes, dear, those pants do make you look fat" to his wife. #43 - Posted by: ochagirl on March 22, 2007 08:44 PMThe planet is Moonbunny's little sister the when Moonbunny is pretending to be a samurai. #44 - Posted by: shimauma on March 22, 2007 09:44 PMIf the planet has a fever, can't we just give Algore an enema to get rid of it? Of course watching his movie has the same effect. #45 - Posted by: Moneyman on March 22, 2007 10:08 PMGreat link on these guys by former COL ~The planet is an orc that just wandered into Edoras. ~The planet is those Alliance ships that got attacked by the hordes of Reavers in Serenity. ~The planet is a guy who just picked a bar fight with Jayne Cobb. ~The planet is Alderaan right before it met up with the Death Star. ~This planet is no moon, it's a space station! ~This planet is Luke's real father. ~This planet is a stormtrooper's chance of not getting shot. ~This planet is birthday cake at Bilbo's 111st birthday party. ~This planet is Gollum after he finally regained posession of the Ring. ~This planet is the next random alien chick that Commander Riker falls in love with. Or that Captain Kirk falls in love with. Oh yes, I'm a geek! #47 - Posted by: Oromin on March 23, 2007 01:04 AMThe planet is Sarcasmbitch missing funny every time #48 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on March 23, 2007 01:53 AM-The planet is tugging on superman's cape How about things that actually are about to increase dramatically in temperature? -- The planet is a Pinto with a full tank of gas making a sudden stop in heavy traffic The planet has a fever!
From: Global Warming To: The Planet ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!! ------------------------------------ Planet: What Happen! Somebody set us up the bomb! Global Warming: All Your Base Are Belong To Us! Planet: What You Say?! Algore: You have no chance to survive, make your time! Planet: Move 'Zig! #52 - Posted by: Spyndrilleum on March 23, 2007 12:36 PMThis planet is an anti-war hippie wandering through a group of Vietnam Veterans This planet is the material between the thighs of Rosie O'Donnell This planet is a bottle of scotch in the Kennedy compound This planet is John Edward's chance of getting elected #53 - Posted by: Frank on March 23, 2007 12:51 PMThe planet is FrankJ after SarahK finds out that he dented her gun. The planet is the poor dope that just talked smack about Miss Piggy. * The planet is Homer's last doughnut.
I read ussjimmycarter's as: "Mrs. Jupiter and Pluto...". Maybe I need a bigger font size. Also, I thought Jupiter was a dude. #57 - Posted by: MegaTroopX on March 26, 2007 05:50 PM* The planet is a virginal dolphin around Aquaman. The planet is a doughnut and Al Gore is hungry. #59 - Posted by: on March 27, 2007 08:24 AMPost a comment
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