A blue whale can be nearly one hundred feet in length and weigh over two hundred tons. I mention this because that is what I'm going to have ram you at forty miles per hour if you losers ever venture into MY OCEAN!

And yes, blue whales don't usually swim that fast, BUT THEY DO WHEN I TELL THEM TO!

Really, I'm tired of you nothings trying to talk me down. Yes, on land my ability to communicate with marine life isn't of much use. In such of situation, all I have to rely on is my super strength. So go ahead and make fun of me to my face if you meet me in a bar, because all I can do in response is embed your head into a concrete wall (actually, I can use my ability to telephatically control marine life to put you into a seizure, but the smashing your head into a wall is much more fun and satisfying).

By the way, I just slept with your girlfriend. I wouldn't expect her to find you very interesting anymore.

Since nitwits like "facts" about weaklings like Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer, I thought I'd give you some facts about a real hero:

AQUAMAN FACTS

* Batman keeps a ring of kryptonite in a safe in case Superman goes berserk and Batman needs to take him down. What does Batman keep locked away in case Aquaman goes berserk? A gun to kill himself with.

* High tide -- that's Aquaman taking a leak.

* Why does marine life do as Aquaman commands? Because they all can feel pain and fear it.

* Aquaman doesn't swim. He's actually pulled in a current when the water flees him in fear.

* Pangea split into separate continents when Aquaman swam towards it and yelled, "Hey! You're in my way!"

* Scientist theorize that the motivation for fish to evolve legs was so they could flee Aquaman.

There you go. Make your own and trade him with your friends. Time you guys get behind a real winner instead of the politicians you've been supporting as of late.

One last thing: Aquaman, like all real heroes, supports the troops and their mission. If you want to be like the Arthur Curry, support fighting evil. Last time a terrorist waded into the ocean, I had some crabs grab that piece of @#$% and hold him down while a couple clown fish slowly ate his eyes because I'm a sick bastard when I'm mad.

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Aqua-Adventures
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