TOP TEN WAYS THE HEAD OF THE SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTION PADDED HIS EXPENSES:

10) After further review, the professional-grade high-definition video project for archiving Native American dances turned out to be a bunch of camcorder mini-DVDs of a junket to Indian Casino for marathon lap dance sessions.

9) Okay, so we can understand one refurbished Patton tank. It's everybody's boyhood dream, sure, but SIXTEEN?

8) Honestly, he didn't realize they already had the JFK assassination limo. Guess that kinda makes his "I'm looking for the real limo" excuse somewhat pointless, right? Although nice touch on the champagne and cigars.

7) Kickbacks received from manufacturer of Al Gore simulation, but let's face it - the darned thing looks so much more lifelike and wastes less energy to operate than the real Al Gore.

6) Let's go over this one more time... just because you're not allowed to give the Hope Diamond to your mistress, it doesn't mean you can expense a smaller substitute to give her for her birthday, got it? And swallowing it's not going to work, either, bub... we're perfectly willing to wait this one out, but you get to wash it afterwards.

5) Ha ha... adding boiling oil and catapaults to The Castle on April 1st was a great April Fool's joke. Nearly split my sides. But when the mailman gets out of the Burn Ward, you're apologizing to him and picking up the hospital bill, you freaking psycho.

4) No, Neil Armstrong didn't say "That's one small step for man, one giant bag full of today's admissions fees for the Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution." Put it back. Now.

3) Just because Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton rob blacks of their hard-earned money, living large on the good life, it doesn't mean you can do it. There's a fine line between public servant and parasite, and you crossed it. But nice try on having that mansion of yours billed as "Add-On Wing To Anacostia Museum."

2) Put. The. Pandas. Back. (But take the leather chaps and lipstick off of them first, dude.)

1) You expect us to believe that the raw materials disappearing from controversial "Pimp My Teeth, Daddy-GW" hands-on activity center at the George Washington exhibit was a case of "They just got up and walked away" right? Oh, and nice solid gold diamond-encrusted shoes there. Take 'em off, or I swear I'll run you through with Merriweather Lewis' hanger, sir!

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