It's Tony Bennett night on AI. Prepare yourselves for total suckitude! Speaking of suckitude, make sure to buy our new t-shirt (and other items), a Ducky especial.

Tony Bennett calls this a rare group. Rare, indeed.

01 Blake Lewis is singing "Mack the Knife". Tony Bennett wants him to slow it down, give the words more impact, and think about that Mack the Knife is a gangsta, yo. Blake sounds great, is not taking this slow tempo at all. He looks great, is dressed very jazz-loungey. A couple of pitch issues, cute scatting at the end, not too much of it. He covered the big butt for me, good job. If you ask me, he twirled around too much for me. Dancing and moving is fine, but spinning? Save it for Dancing with the Stars, k? RANDY: Yo, great way to start off the night. Couple pitch problems. You're kinda funky, jazzy, cool kinda guy. PAULA: You personify pizzazz. You're a hip cat. SIMON: Good song choice, performed it well. I give you 7 out of 10, give the band 8 out of 10. The band had a big part in that. SARAHK: It was very good. Not boring at all, a big improvement over what you've been putting out recently. Good news: It's voteworthy!

Lots of Brits are coming for the Idol charity thingy this month. Even Kelly Clarkson is going to stop dissing Idol for the event. It's about time. Well... it is. I heart her, have her CDs, I'm just saying, it's about time.

WH Phil Stacey is singing "Night and Day". TB says Pennywise is one of the better singers he's heard in a long time? He's been wearing Bose noise-filtering earphones or something? Anyway, Tony wants to put a beat behind the song, because Pennywise is boring. You know, I'm a fan of owning your baldness if you're bald. Bruce Willis pulls it off spectacularly. Shoot, Demi Moore did too. I think if you're going in that direction, just own it. But Pennywise? Consider not owning it. As to the performance. From the neck down is good, I like the suit. This is actually a good genre for him, and had he come out and sung in his normal voice, I think it would have been great, maybe even voteworthy. But he did that whole affectation thing where he tried to sound like someone else, sound like he's an old-school crooner. He would have been better off using his own voice. Because some of the song was really good. But then he put on airs, and it just made me grimace and want to run from the sewers and leave Derry, Maine, forever. Shame. RANDY: Check it out, interesting choice. I didn't feel real connection, any passion. (Boos.) I know how you feel, I was listening to it too. PAULA: You're reminiscent of a young Frank Sinatra. SIMON: What?? PAULA: But you need to warm up and let your vocals come through. SIMON: It had all the joy of someone singing in a funeral parlor. It was gloomy, slightly dark. SARAHK: Could have been great, but it came off as fake, and yeah, now that Simon points it out, gloomy. RYAN: What do you think about what the judges said? PHIL: I was just trying to focus on my wife... SARAHK: And focusing on your wife gets us fake and gloomy? Stop talking. It doesn't help you.

03 Melinda is singing "I've Got Rhythm". TB says she's the best singer all day, and she says, "Oh! Thank you!" Wow, a loud audible thank you, I think she is officially over the surprise thing. I'm distracted by her outfit. Honestly. The pattern and cut are ok, but it's too tight, and I'm just so distracted by it. I think because she's been so modest the whole competition. Oh look, I just noticed an almost-flat note. She corrected it quickly, but I probably would have just called it a sliding note if her dress were a little less snug. I'm neurotic, I know, about the M word. Sue me. Anyway, the first half is what I think Simon would call a little indulgent (not much rhythm to it at all). Then she speeds up and actually gets rhythm after the sliding note, and the rest is hugely fantastic Melinda. RANDY: Yay yay yay! Every week you give a singing lesson to everyone! SARAHK: Sanjaya? Pull up a chair? PAULA: You got rhythm, CDs, concert halls... I got vodka! You give the songs a beginning, middle, and end. SIMON: Every song has a beginning, middle, and end. I didn't like the beginning of the song, it was a little cabaret. SARAHK: You mean indulgent, Simon. Indulgent. CROWD: Boooo! SIMON: Oh, shut up! SARAHK: Yeah, let the man talk! You already got to cheer! She knows how you felt about it! Sit down! SIMON: I liked the last half, it was fun, great. I don't think we're ever going to be able to criticize you. This is a problem. SARAHK: Yep. She could go home early if she never gets criticized. Latoya London shocker, something like that? Except that all but about three people totally suck vacuum cleaner dust this year, so really, the danger is small... Right? Right? RYAN: Simon, why is it a problem? SIMON: Well, we like to be mean to people now and then. SARAHK: It's good for ratings and snark. RYAN: You can't be mean just to be mean. SIMON: Yes I can. SARAHK: Ryan, meet Simon Cowell. BTW, Melinda, please don't distract me with your clothing next week.

She does seem to be coming out of her shell, no?

image by Cadet Happy

04 Chris Richardson, the only Chris left (sad face goes here) gets a dumb question from viewer email. How do you pick your song? He picks something he might be comfy with, then he tries to figure out if it will work on the show, blah blah blah blah. TB suggested that Chris memorize the lyrics to "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" before the show. Great advice, I'm sure he wouldn't have thought of that on his own. Is that all he gave him? Hey Chris, here's one for ya: make sure you pick a song to sing. I love his look tonight, he's wearing jeans, suspenders hanging off his jeans, NOT a white shirt (mwah, I love when you guys take my advice!), the shirt is dark, a charcoal vest, and a nice crooner hat. His look is perfect tonight. I'm diggin' it. Oh my goodness, his performance has been over for a couple of minutes (it takes a while to type up my thoughts), and I'm still grinning ear to ear. I absolutely LOVED this. My favorite part was the end when he stared into the camera. His eyes are killers, and he should utilize those gems more. I don't mean make love to the camera like Brandon Rogers or Ace Young or Constantine Maroulis. Oh dear Pete, no. But subtle glances, the occasional sparkle at the end of the performance... exactly what you do on the nights when I call your performances chest-clutchers? Do that. Ok, the vocal was spot-on tonight, too. One of his best of the season. I'm voting. RANDY: You came out with a vengeance, this was one of your best of the season, you interjected your own style into an old standard. PAULA: Gargle yay boo lah lay! Best ever! SIMON: Very good, I thought it was very believable. Made it kind of hip, you worked it out very well. One of the strongest tonight. SARAHK: Seriously. Don't go overboard and make love to the camera. I'm scared I said the wrong thing. Great job. UPDATE: I grinned the whole time you sang, I mentioned that, but I was also having visions of When Harry Met Sally in my head. I first heard this song in that movie. I think it's Harry Connick Jr. singing it in the movie, but I don't remember exactly. I heart HCJr.

05 Jordin is singing "On a Clear Day". Tony says it's very rare for kids to sing in tune these days like Jordin does, and he likes her improvisation. She looks great, very classy to match the genre. At the beginning, she sounds a little shaky to me. But then she picks up, and wow. Huge, loooooong notes at the end. Jordin has really brought it the last few weeks (with the exception of last week's Raggedy Ann bit), vocally. My criticism, and you know I have one, is that she's doing these sexy body moves, and it's almost like watching Cadet Happy's daughter do her America's Next Top Model runway moves when we tell her, "Pose, Solveig." Jordin is trying to let you know, "Hey, look, I'm singing this song, and don't forget, even though I can sing the heck out of these notes, I'm still sexy." Maybe because all the singing vixens today can't sing worth crap but prance around all sexy, so they sell records and get to make music videos? Is that what she's going for? Oh! I know. She knows Haley will be out to sell her body later, so she wants to make sure everyone knows about her sexiness too. Because otherwise, I can't figure it out. Well, I prefer vocal talent to crap like Kellie Pickler and Haley Scarnato, so cut the annoying prancing, will you? Especially when you're singing, "On a clear day"... sexy pose... "you can see forever"... shake my hips! Wait at least until you're singing, "I'm so hot for you"... sexy pose... "touch my body now"... shake my hips! RANDY: We got some heat up here, that was the bomb again! You're like a pro, and you're 17, and I'm like what? PAULA: Watch out, man. Jordin, you're really a magnet of joy! You're hip, you're cool. I'm just so frickin' proud of you, I just don't know what to say. Maybe if I have more vodka, it will come to me. Refill! SIMON: Well, I thought you sang it very well, but you didn't achieve what Chris did. It was very old fashioned. It was good, but I didn't like it as well as Squiddly and Diddly here. SARAHK: Don't try to be Haley. You can sing. Loved the vocals.

06 Gina. The Glock is singing "Smile". I didn't know Charlie Chaplin wrote this. I have a Nat King Cole version on my iPod. Tony Bennett thinks of it as a song of hope and thinks of 9/11 and the soldiers in Iraq when he hears it. The Glock's hair is a little poofy for my taste in the back, and her lipstick is very shiny. The vocal is very good, I hear no tuning problems, and it's lovely, really, but it's very understated and underwhelming. Her outfit is good, boots are good. But I'm underwhelmed. I wouldn't change the station if it came on the radio, though. RANDY: Understated performance from the rocker girl, I liked it! PAULA: Flawless. SIMON: I can't go crazy over the vocals, because two girls have already been out here tonight who outsang you. Sorry. (It breaks my heart when Simon gives The Glock bad comments, because she sooo wants his approval more than anyone's.) SARAHK: It really was just too understated. There was nothing else wrong with it, it's just that this is American Idol, and you have to put something bigger out there every week, or you'll get run over. I still heart you and will vote for you.

07 Sanjaya meets Tony Bennett. Ryan says two legends collide. Sanjaya is in a true lounge lizard suit, all white, I swear it's probably made of velour. His hair is slicked down and just past his chin. He's very greasy tonight, very car salesman-y. No offense intended to the car salesmen. Nor to Sanjaya, of course. I do this in love, to help the AI children. He's singing "Cheek to Cheek". Didn't he already sing this? TB thinks he's a great entertainer. *sigh* You know what? I actually think this didn't suck. I know, I'm losing my touch. Well, maybe this is his genre. He danced with Paula, and it actually fit in quite well. Maybe they rehearsed it. Anyway, this is one of his best yet. Still not great, but some of the notes were very good. Some of them very bad. But good for Sanjaya. Oh look! His dad is there! That's his first time ever? Or at least in a long time. RANDY: Yo, I can't even comment on your vocals anymore. SARAHK: You're so mean. RANDY: But you know what I like about you? You're an entertainer. PAULA: You're charming. You are an entertainer. I love vodka! Thanks for dancing! You give me more to drink? Yes? SIMON: Let's try a different tactic... Incredible! SANJAYA: Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya! SARAHK: He's owning it. Good on 'im.

Oh, I'm so shocked! Haley is wearing a hoo-hah dress! What??

08 Haley the Hoo-Hah Girl has a viewer question. Is she more nervous singing before the crowd or waiting for the judging? It's so nervewracking singing for the crowd, but I looooong for Simon's approval. No you don't. The Glock longs for his approval. You long for money and fame. Hoo-Hah Haley is singing "I Ain't Misbehaving". Tony tells her to sing it to only one person, not say "saving my love for you and you and you." Just one "you". She ignores his advice and lets everyone know that she has plenty of love for all the boys. She starts sitting in the hoo-hah dress so she can flash her prize to the front rows when she stands up. Oh, and she's showing every bit of her cleavage. Did I mention the cleavage amidst all the hoo-hah-iness? Ok, the song... she changes tempo about ten times and is basically nothing but sex with a microphone. It's a giant mess, and she's back to showing the armpits. She even throws in a Kat McPhee chest bump at the end. Hey, everyone. Haley is a female! RANDY: I thought this would be a good genre for you... I don't know, what did you think, Paula? SARAHK: Ouch. Randy has no words. PAULA: Did I mention that green is a good color for you? SARAHK: Green is also a good color for frogs. SIMON: That's rude. You should say what you think of the performance. PAULA: She wants to know what you think. SIMON: I think you've got great legs. RYAN: Be nice. SIMON: I agree with Randy, it was a good style of music for you. It was a bit pageanty. PAULA: You did your thang. SARAHK: Why. are. you. still. here?

09 LaKisha is singing "Stormy Weather". Tony tells her to leave off this extra little bit at the end that she wants to add. Oh, hello, LaKisha's breasts. Haven't seen you in a whole week! How've you been? I do like the color on her, it's a good dress if it had a top. She also ignored Tony Bennett. He's only been singing for fifty years and gained legend status, what does he know? She actually was just okay tonight. And drowned out by the horns in the band. I don't know if that's her fault or the band's, but I think she picked a song a little low for her range, and the low notes don't work as well for her. At least not tonight. It was just a'ight for me, dawg. RANDY: Perfect song for you. Pitchy in the front, but the middle and end were great. PAULA: This is the most gorgeous you've ever looked. SIMON: Back on form, LaKisha. That was a sassy, great performance. SARAHK: I should re-listen, because I wasn't feelin' it. Okay, I relistened. Still just a'ight. I think it's the vocal range. No offense, altos, but I don't enjoy low songs as much. Oh, and the end bit that Tony told her to leave out was so off-key.

The order tonight *s get votes:
04 Chris*****
01 Blake*
03 Melinda*
05 Jordin* (I can't get the hip jiggles and catwalking out of my head. It just didn't match up. Sorry. Plus, she was out of breath a lot.)
06 Gina*****
09 LaKisha
07 Sanjaya
WH Phil
Gluten
08 Haley

UPDATE: Just realized I forgot to predict. Hrm. Chris Sligh's votes go to... Gina or Melinda or maybe Blake. Not to Phil. Don't ask me why I think that. It's too complicated in my head. Bottom three... Phil, Haley, Sanjaya. Going home... Phil. I have no clue.

• Currently 3.25/5
• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10

Rating: 3.3/5 (2 votes cast)

SarahK's TV stuff
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | Stumble It!