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April 10, 2007
State of the Frank Report
This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested. They counted the bodies from the fire. One monkey was unaccounted for. Dammit. Of course, as we all know, it's quite hard to sort out charred monkey corpses. Plus, they were locked in tight when I set the fire; none should have been able to escape. That's what I told myself, but then I thought I saw something move in the trees behind my house. If the monkey didn't kill me, the uncertainty would. The only way I could find solace would be to set a trap for the simian -- one that would surely kill it if the monkey were in fact stalking me and planning its revenge. Something quick and deadly so that one shriek would mark the end of this saga. I tried looking up traps on Wikipedia, but one gets the sense that none of those internet nerds has ever killed anything... has ever watched something slowly bleed to death until its life fades from its eyes much like a polaroid in reverse. No, if I wanted a trap, I'd have to devise it myself. And I'd have no rest until I did. SarahK prepared a lovely dinner of lemon-mustard chicken and garlic broccoli with pine nuts. It looked quite delicious, but then the dog barked at something unseen out the window. My stomach clenched with dread, and I had no appetite. "Sorry, dear wife, but I'm just not hungry." She grabbed me by the collar and stared at me with her intense green eyes. "Next time, stay and make sure they all die!" I hate it when she's right. 12 Responses To "State of the Frank Report"
And remember... if a monkey manages to bite you, you may become one! #1 - Posted by: Dodsfall on April 10, 2007 05:01 PMGet a flamethrower-you don't have to be a good shot with a flamethrower, but you do need good insurance. Or maybe that's vampires. P.S. The flamethrower also works on Aquaman! #4 - Posted by: Writer on April 10, 2007 05:18 PMI bet that that monkey was a Joo-ish monkey who was warned of Frank's attack ahead of time by the Bush administration, which is why he wasn't in the cage when the demolition charges (planted by the Bush administration months in advace because as we all know by now, fire can't melt steel) went off. #5 - Posted by: G Fresh on April 10, 2007 06:02 PMalways listen to the lovely and talented SarahK #6 - Posted by: Laura on April 10, 2007 06:16 PMShouldn't you and Sarah put on "The Collar" after dinner rather than before? #7 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on April 10, 2007 07:17 PMState of the Frank Report is my new favorite. Here is how you should build your trap. Dig a big pit and fill it with quicksand. Then cut all the branches above the pit 3/4 of the way through so that when the monkey grabs the branch it will brake and the monkey should fall square into the pit. I've used that trap tons of times. #8 - Posted by: AlaskaNick on April 10, 2007 07:20 PMIt's true; if you're gonna kill 'em, KILL THEM ALL! There's no reason to leave a job unfinished. :-p #9 - Posted by: ochagirl on April 10, 2007 09:27 PMJust make sure that you stay with the body until sunrise. That way you make sure it is good an dead. #10 - Posted by: Derek on April 10, 2007 09:32 PMhere's a better trap: get your gun and sit in a lawn chair out in front of your house with a hillary/obama/edwards in 2008 sign. within minutes, every monkey-face and monkey within a 100 mile radius will converge on your house. you can then pick off the one you want. ...or, you can use the flamethower and get 'em all. #11 - Posted by: algorier on April 11, 2007 08:27 AMI'm sorry, but I must speak up here! Who is the idiot that decided it's okay to put lemon on chicken? #12 - Posted by: Son of Bob on April 11, 2007 11:31 AMPost a comment
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