 |
|
|
|
About IMAO Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!  Buy funniest book ever!  IMAO Podcasts IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
 Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
About IMAO
If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK. About Frank J. Bloggers: Frank J. Harvey RightWingDuck Cadet Happy spacemonkey Laurence Simon SarahK Popular Categories
Fred Thompson FactsJohn Edwards Fabulous Facts lolterizt IMAO Condensed Know Thy Enemy Editorials Frank the Artist In My World Other Content
Ode to ViolenceBrief Histories IMAO Audio Bits  Read the Essay Own the Shirt Peace Gallery Search IMAO
Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds "Unfunny treasonous ronin!" -Lou Tulio* "You, sir, are a natural born killer." -E. Harrington "You'll never get my job! Never!!!" -Jonah Goldberg "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO." -No One of Consequence "A blogger with a sense of humor." -Some Woman on MSNBC Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQThe Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler Blackfive Captain's Quarters Classical Values Conservative Grapevine The Corner The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!) Dave in Texas Eject! Eject! Eject! Electric Venom Hot Air Puppy Blender La Shawn Barber's Corner Michelle Malkin Pereiraville Protein Wisdom Rachel Lucas Right Wing News Scrappleface Serenity's Journal Townhall Blog IMAO Blogroll Bad Example Cadet Happy The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles mountaineer musings Right Wing Duck  This Blog Is Full of Crap Fred Thompson Links Fred File Blogs for Fred Fred Thompson Facts Awards
|
April 13, 2007
State of the Frank Report
This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested. Many think that Aquaman's ability to command the creatures of the sea is something magical, but it can be quantified scientifically. Like any other signal that goes through the air, it operates on a specific frequency. And when I know that frequency, Aquaman will die. Reading up on how brains operate, I was able to limit down the possible frequencies in which Aquaman's telepathy might operate. I then set a frequency scanner by those parameters. "Dear, I'm heading out to stalk Aquaman." She reluctantly turned her attention away from her soap opera. "You still have the monkey to kill." "And die it shall, but the monkey I most want off my back right now is Aquaman. I'll be back in time for dinner." "I'll try to notice." She looked back to her show and waved me away. At the zoo, Aquaman's CSI friend had left (I was careful; there was nothing to find), but Mr. Curry was still staring at the ashes of the monkey cages as if he could command them to give him answers. It was an obsession -- and a very unhealthy once since it was going to cause me to kill him. "Whatcha doin'?" My interrogator was a chubby child eating cotton candy. He stared at my frequency scanner with the incomprehension of a dog watching an opera. "Did your parents ever tell you not to talk to strangers?" "No." "Probably because they hate you because you're so fat and are hoping some stranger will do you in." I noticed a nearby tank. "I'll honor their wishes." I snatched his cotton candy and tossed it into the tank. "My candy!" He waddled towards the tank, leaned over the railing reaching for his cotton candy, and stretched his arms out for until gravity won over. At the sound of the splash, I faded into nearby crowd. "A kid has fallen into the stingray tank!" a woman shouted. Aquaman ran forward for the rescue. "Just stay still and they won't hurt you," he told the blubbering child. Stingrays were an extremely minor threat, but instinctively Aquaman must have told them to move out of the way, because they fled as he reached in. And my scanner caught the signal. It wasn't enough data to properly breakdown how his telepathy worked, but it was enough for my purposes. By the time Aquaman had used his super strength to lift the wet dumpling to safety, I was gone. Enjoy this minor act of heroism, Aquaman, for it shall be your last. 12 Responses To "State of the Frank Report"
Be careful when analyzing and modifying the signal, Frank. You do not want to attenuate the signal, amplify it or create sympathetic harmonic signals since these conceivably could make his telepathy stronger. It would be terrible if instead he gained new telepathic abilities. #1 - Posted by: Writer on April 13, 2007 04:35 PMDid you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid, Frank? #2 - Posted by: David Spade on April 13, 2007 05:23 PMFrank, How can you wear Aquaman undies and do him in? That's so cold... #3 - Posted by: reality intrudes on April 13, 2007 05:41 PM"Frank, How can you wear Aquaman undies and do him in? That's so cold..." FrankJ wears Aquaman undies so he can fart on him and literally rub his face in it whenever he wants...Frank doesn't wear them out of respect or idolization as is widely believed. #4 - Posted by: G Fresh on April 13, 2007 05:51 PMHeroism? What did AquaBenDoverMan do to the youngster once he "rescued" him? I'll bet that wasn't a pretty sight! #5 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on April 13, 2007 06:12 PMOops.. Correction. That was Aquaman pajamas with feet. #6 - Posted by: reality intrudes on April 13, 2007 09:09 PMFrank, I think I’m suffering from a serious case of commenters block. I think the whole process of really having nothing constructive to say, but coming up with something inane to say anyway, when I could have just shut the F up about it anyway, is breaking down. Anyway Frank, I increasingly find that I’m not saying things I obviously shouldn’t say. This has become such a serious problem that it’s disturbing the normal antagonism I normally attract from fellow commenters. For example it’s been months since anyone threatened my physical well being. It’s unusual that I hit a dry spell right when others seem to get threatened over nothing. OK, it’s not entirely true. An angry Arab threatened to rape my mother just this last week. I don’t really count it though as my mother is deceased. I did inform him that he would need to dig so please make provision for a shovel. Frank, you have had recent experience with writers block. I’m wondering if you had any tips to help me snap out of my malaise. Otherwise, I will continue to languish and your comment section will be all the worse. Note: I said malaise not mayonnaise. I’m not languishing in mayonnaise. Shut up Neo-andertal, or I will threaten your physical well-being. Have some tuna with that mayonnaise. Live tuna. That way Frank could gather some more intelligence about Aquaman's telepathy frequency. Then you can be a useful freak, instead of just a plain freak. What’s with having some stand in named Larry tell me to shut up. I thought we had some sense of protocol around here. Shut up indeed! #9 - Posted by: Neo on April 15, 2007 02:13 AM
#10 - Posted by: Neo on April 15, 2007 02:26 AM
Using the word normal as an adjective twice in a single sentence is reaching a bit, isn’t it. #11 - Posted by: Neo on April 15, 2007 02:36 AMWhy the obsession with Aquaman? I understand he is one of the lamest supers going out there. But he is far from the most annoying marine based so called "hero". The truly evilest, the most mind numbing, is freakin Prince Namor the Sub-Mariner. Aquaman is probably is P.N.'s tool to get to you Frank. When a Mafia boss puts a hit on someone, does he do it himself? Wake up Frank, Aquaman is just Namor's goomba. The conspiracy is deep, deep as the Marianas trench baby. #12 - Posted by: Capitalist Running Dog on April 15, 2007 04:39 AMPost a comment
|
Buy IMAO T-Shirts 
 
 
IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe (winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!! Yay! Books!
Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24American Idol Aqua-Adventures Barackalypse Now Best of IMAO 2002 Best of IMAO 2006 Bite-Sized Wisdom Editorials Election 2008 Filthy Lies Frank Answers Frank Discussions Frank on Guns Frank Reads the Bible Frank the Artist Fred Thompson Facts Friday Cat-Blogging Fun Trivia Hellbender Hellbender Take Two Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths Humor I Hate Frank If I Were President ignis fatuous IMAO Condensed IMAO Exclusives IMAO for the Non-Deaf IMAO Reviews IMAO Think Tank In My World In My World - Fan Fiction John Edwards Fabulous Facts Know Thy Enemy lolterizt Michael Moore Mitt Romney Ads News Round-Up Newsish Fakery No, McCain't Our Military Permalink Contest Precision Guided Humor Assignments Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul Ronin Profiles Ronin Thought of the Day SarahK's TV stuff Scary Evil Monkey Simpsons Trivia Songs & Poems State of the Frank Report Superego Totally True Tidbits WEsistance Is Facile Why Me Laugh? Yvonne's Ashes By Month
December 2008September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 June 2006 May 2006 April 2006 March 2006 February 2006 January 2006 December 2005 November 2005 October 2005 September 2005 August 2005 July 2005 June 2005 May 2005 April 2005 March 2005 February 2005 January 2005 December 2004 November 2004 October 2004 September 2004 August 2004 July 2004 June 2004 May 2004 April 2004 March 2004 February 2004 January 2004 December 2003 November 2003 October 2003 September 2003 August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 April 2003 March 2003 February 2003 January 2003 December 2002 November 2002 October 2002 September 2002 August 2002 July 2002 March 1933
|
Stumble It!
