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April 17, 2007
How Will Global Warming Affect You? Please Tell Us!
Ex-U.S. military officials testified at U.N. Security Council on Climate Change that global warming could mean more conflict and war in the world. Apparently we've decided to stop pretending this is a scientific issue and just let everyone get hysterical about the temperature possibly rising a degree or two. Thus, here are more groups testifying on the dangers of global warming: MORE TESTIMONY ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING FROM JOBLESS, NON-CLIMATOLOGISTS * According to former teamsters, global warming could cause an increase in naps and surliness among union workers. * According to former police officers, global warming could cause more people to tan and thus have dark enough skin to require harassment by the man.
* According to former firemen, global warming could mean shorter walks for firehouse dalmatian because of the threat of heat exhaustion. Not having his exercise, the dog will then chew on furniture. Furniture replacement will then increase their budget by 5%. Global warming could also cause more fires, but that's okay because they have protective hats. * According to former ice cream truck drivers, global warming could mean a huge increase in ice cream. Man they sure wish they hadn't had their trucks confiscated by the state for the multiple DUIs. * According to former ninjas, global warming could mean a decrease in foliage making it harder for them to ambush people from trees. * According to the guy who used to sell pickles on the side of the road, global warming could cause a 13% reduction in the cucumber crop. He also warns of the adverse health effect of global warming and how that can be prevented by drinking pickle juice. * According to former serial killers, global warming could mean more talking dogs urging people to kill. * According to former Canadian, global warming could have an effect on ice which is important to ice hockey (hence the name). This would mean a huge increase in Canadian suicides because what else would they have left to do? * According to former bloggers, global warming could mean less cats and thus a decrease in the quantity of Friday, cat-themed blogging. According to former blog-readers, that would be awesome! 37 Responses To "How Will Global Warming Affect You? Please Tell Us!"
According to cartoon space aliens bent on domination of the planet earth, global warming will result in climatological conditions that allow me to take this huge freakin' glass bubble of my noggin. That and increased whirling...WHIRLING! #1 - Posted by: Kodos on April 17, 2007 11:24 AMWarmer temperatures means longer growing season for my yard, meaning the more I need to mow it meaning more greenhouse gasses emitted, meaning an even longer growing season and more mowing. Good news I can cancel my gym membership because of all of the walking I will be doing mowing my yard . #2 - Posted by: Denny Kerns on April 17, 2007 11:29 AMformer Account Receivable Administrators (COLLECTIONS REPS) claim that global warming will make glue on stamps and envelopes more sticky and thus make people even MORE reluctant to pay their bills, even though they could do electronic transfers and SHOULD HAVE BUDGETED FOR IT!!!! #3 - Posted by: shimauma on April 17, 2007 11:35 AMMaybe I should just stop leaving my voodoo globe in the microwave and keep it in the freezer instead. #4 - Posted by: Derek on April 17, 2007 11:46 AMAccording to ex-Vice Presidents, global warming will According to statisticians, global warming will result in half of all people being below average. #6 - Posted by: Socrates on April 17, 2007 12:08 PMAccording to bloodthirsty, warmongering, violence-for-pleasure-seeking Marines, global warming hinders the effect of Napalm on foreign kids. =( #7 - Posted by: Ringmaster on April 17, 2007 12:17 PMOh, and according to Fred Thompson, global warming exists becasue he said so. #8 - Posted by: RIngmaster on April 17, 2007 12:19 PMI hate hot weather, so global warming will drive me mad, causing me to finally build my warrior robot race, and destroy humanity from the 70-degree comfort of my secret lair in the Antarctic. #9 - Posted by: Master Shake on April 17, 2007 12:31 PMExcellent stuff! One minor point, however. Up here in Minnesota we know the Canadians and if ice hockey goes away the men can still spend endless hours out in the woods “buggering” each other…the REAL Canadian past-time! #10 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on April 17, 2007 12:38 PMI think that people don't fully understand the affects of global warming and need to take notice #11 - Posted by: Adriann on April 17, 2007 12:50 PMWow, I didn't know that there were such things as "former" ninjas! #12 - Posted by: NMUSpidey on April 17, 2007 12:52 PM//I think that people don't fully understand the affects of global warming and need to take notice Posted by: Adriann on April 17, 2007 12:50 PM // WTF? did somebody hear that troll call? such a pipsqueak sound and yet entirely irritating. Global warming will probably make it considerably more pleasant for me when I retire and move back to the midwest. #14 - Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim on April 17, 2007 02:08 PMAlso according to former ninjas, global warming will force them to abandon their black outfits (far too warm) for "cooler" colors, thus increasing their visibility at night. #15 - Posted by: No One of Consequence on April 17, 2007 02:30 PMSocrates - half of the people are below the median - not average. Stick with philosophy and not statistics! :-) #16 - Posted by: on April 17, 2007 03:09 PMGlobal warming cancelled my Daughter's first 2 soccer games due to snowfall. @#@#$%# Global Warming #17 - Posted by: Brian The Adequate on April 17, 2007 03:30 PMLess cats. Awesome. #18 - Posted by: c on April 17, 2007 03:31 PMAccording to former CBS news anchors, Global Warming will prove once and for all that the documents were not fake! #19 - Posted by: FormerHostage on April 17, 2007 03:48 PMAccording to former hostages Global Warming will mean an increase in ranting from those who just "know" that there's a problem regardless of true scientific data to the contrary *cough*adriann*cough* thus proving that liberalism values feelings and appearance over knowledge and action. #20 - Posted by: FormerHostage on April 17, 2007 03:51 PMGlobal warming will definitely cause more hair nappiness. #21 - Posted by: Tommy the Towelhead on April 17, 2007 04:03 PMGlobal warming will cause more shirtless fat guys which in turn will cause more blindness due to people gouging their eyes out at the sight of roaming hordes of shirtless fat guys. #22 - Posted by: G Fresh on April 17, 2007 04:19 PMGlobal warming will reduce America's dependence on foreign oil and cause gasoline prices to drop. As a petroleum engineer, tha makes me very concerned. #23 - Posted by: TGWShark on April 17, 2007 04:21 PMLois Key, where I go monkey fishing, will be submerged, and all the rhesus monkeys will drown instead of being killed and grilled. Damn. Just damn. #24 - Posted by: Patrick Carroll on April 17, 2007 04:41 PMLeave us shirtless fat guys out of this. Ever see a Packer game? We're shirtless no matter the weather. #25 - Posted by: allthatsright on April 17, 2007 04:51 PMRight now, Global Warming is freezing my ass off. #26 - Posted by: Brrrr in Kentucky on April 17, 2007 04:55 PMJust like with Hurricane Katrina and the Tsunami: Just drink the koolaid, people, and you won't question my planetary scope genius ever again. #28 - Posted by: Algore on April 17, 2007 05:49 PMGlobal warming will result in more former evil doctors requesting a shorn scrotum. It truly is breathtaking. #29 - Posted by: Dougie on April 17, 2007 05:53 PMAccording to former girlfriends, global warming will make men even bigger jerks. #30 - Posted by: Tom on April 17, 2007 07:05 PMAccording to hoards of bald-headed men, global warming will result in a significant rise in second-degree sunburns, bad combovers, and a sharp increase in "nappy-headed Homers," as the feverishly transplant pubic and arse follicles to supplant natural selection. #31 - Posted by: everydayjoe on April 17, 2007 07:56 PMAsh, Global warming will cause storms on Jupiter to worsen. #33 - Posted by: spacemonkey on April 17, 2007 11:57 PMi love it that more and more climatologists are showing Al Gore to be a doofus. I've been cold since October and am damned tired of it. Global Warming .... bring it on!!! #34 - Posted by: bikermommy on April 18, 2007 11:37 AM1 or 2 degree rise? I'll just shave my chest to cool down. No problem! #35 - Posted by: Max Drive on April 18, 2007 01:42 PMFrom what I understand, tobacco and coffee really like warm, wet weather. So I guess nothing is really going to change for me. #36 - Posted by: Ron Rockstar on April 18, 2007 07:38 PMI love global warming because : Post a comment
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