Two hours tonight, y'all. And all the contestants are dressed in white. Yikes. And Ryan says there were over 70 million votes, yay for that, they got their extra 5 million bucks from Newscorp, and Ford, Coke, and the Evil Phone Corporation Which Shall Not Be Named were huge sponsors.

Ryan says it's the most shocking result ever in Idol history or something like that. So Melinda's out? Because if so, then there's no point in watching the rest of the season, best of luck with your album, Jordin, I'll buy it if your first single is good. Or Simon is going to sing tonight? Because Ryan did ask how much money they would have to raise in order for him to sing on AI. And Simon said it would have to be more than 20 million, or 20 million votes, or something like that. I don't remember. Maybe that's the shocker. No, it must be that Melinda is leaving. America is so stupid about music.

But seriously, if Melinda or Jordin goes, what's the point? This season is whack.

Ellen Degeneres is in the Walt Disney Theater or something like that, where Earth, Wind, and Fire is performing a medley of their hits. That's coo'.

Randy Jackson takes us on a tour of New Orleans.

And now there is the donation number. 1877-IDOL-AID. Or AmericanIdol.com.

Is that Quincy Jones? Brand new song written for this event by Quincy. Did he age about 40 years since Ryan shushed him a few weeks ago on the show? Is that someone else altogether? The kids are singing the new song, something about a time to share, and it's set to an African drumbeat or something. I like the beat, and it's very showtunes, so I know the men are HATING it. I like it unless they try to make this a new single or something. They said this is the next "We are the World" or something. Eh, it's ok.

That guy from Will and Grace gives the phone number again and says that if every person who ever voted for Sanjaya gave just one dollar, something something something.

For the record, I absolutely DESPISE the Cingular / new Evil Phone Corporation Which Shall Not Be Named commercial with the mom and daughter speaking in text speak. DESPISE.

Ben Stiller is on, and he has grey hair. He's fighting with his stylist over flyaway hair and then naming off all his movies. I LOVE Zoolander. He's gonna start singing and will not stop until they've raised 200,000,000. And he is singing, and they are scrolling, "Please call 1877-IDOL-AID... as soon as possible... and stop him singing..." "Immediately..." He's still singing... Funny. They've raised $8K. Come on, America.

Ryan and Simon are doing more of the Africa segment, and it's very heartbreaking. Children of 12 as heads of household. There's a boy named Grauman (sp?) raising his sibling(s). Very sad.

Ben Stiller is still singing. $11K.

Teri Hatcher wants you to give, too. So does SarahK.

Forest Whitaker sends a message from Uganda and congratulates everyone taking part in Idol Gives Back.

America voted, and Melinda is safe. Okay, so it's not the most shocking result ever. Ryan, you either lied, or Simon is going to sing later. My money is on Simon singing. Ooh! Maybe he does a duet with Simon.

Pauler went to the Boys & Girls Club in Hollywood. There are 4000 B&G Clubs across America. Really good work they do. Gets kids off the streets when their parents aren't home after school.

Il Divo is on to perform "Somewhere." I heart this song when it's done well. I suspect they'll do it well. You know, I have issues with opera-type music: enunciation. What's so wrong with enunciation, opera people? You're too good for it? Otherwise, I'm on board. And that was lovely. I love male voices. But as a wise Diana Ross would say, you should "pronunciate."

Dr. Phil says to give money. Remember, you'll never stand taller than when you stoop to help a child.

Dr. House, Hugh Laurie, tells us in a cockney accent that we should phone in and help the children.

Ryan says that a member of the audience can introduce the next act if they donate $50. They pan to the audience, and Jack Black is already reaching into his pocket. I say, "It's going to be Jack Black." When they "draw" Jack Black's seat number, B19, a bingo number no less, Frank, who is not watching, asks how I knew. "I was watching the show." He's more interested in getting to Lost. He is not pleased with 1-hour results shows, much less 2 hours? Frank, it's about The Children! And no one will call in to help The Children if they do a half hour results show. I've almost called in twice now and suspect I'll be suckered in by the end of the show. (Don't tell Frank, because we seriously have no twenties in our coat pockets, Ellen.)

Jack calls Ryan "Crusty," pushes him out of the way, and tells him that he will not be introducing anyone, he will be performing on AI, to be judged by this panel of judges. He performs "Kiss From a Rose," "from Batman Returns, the most sensitive of all the Batmans," and his friend from the audience already has a rose, and Jack pulls a rose from his pocket even. The judges stop him. RANDY: Yo, yo, dawg. What are you doing, dawg? JACK: I'm trying to be America's Next Top Model. I mean, Idol! But give me your true critique. RANDY: I think the stretchy pants would have helped. SARAHK: Nacho Libre was funny, that's true. But dude. I like you better in Tenacious D. JACK: You loved it. Come on Paula, give me some of that sweet love. Come on, I can take it, I've got the stones. PAULA: The School of Rock called. They want their diploma back. SARAHK: TOO MEAN! PAULA: You were crappy. Crappy. SARAHK: Could you talk like that on a real judging night? SIMON: The truth? The truth? You were better than Sanjaya. (Crowd goes wild, Sanjaya in the audience goes wild. Sanjaya's sister looks furtively at Sanjaya like, "My poor brother." But Sanjaya is just happy for 15:02.) JACK: That's your idea of a critique? If Seal were here, he would give me a real critique. He'd tell you how awesome that was. RANDY: Yo yo yo. Seal's right here. JACK: What'd you think, Seal? SEAL: (Shakes head gravely.) That was the best rendition of "Kiss From a Rose" I have ever heard.

He's so hilarious. Jack Black that is.

Blake is safe. After that commie bullcrap of last night, he is safe. Wow.

Carrie Underwood went to Africa, and there's a performance and montage of her carrying around little African children and singing "I'll Stand By You." You can download it from iTunes, and all proceeds go to the charity. I will be doing that right away. It's beautiful, acoustic guitar and violin (or fiddle, as we call it in country music) only. Wow. Contestants? That's how it's done.

Rascal Flatts performs "My Wish."

cofounder of myspace is there in the audience. Scoff!

The next segment is on a coalmining community in Kentucky. I can't write about it. Too sad. They need money. 1-877-IDOL-AID.

The crappy Ford video is "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Then there's a montage of celebrities lipsynching "Stayin' Alive." That was actually very cute. And as much as I do not like Queen Gwyneth, she looks fantastic. For a stick. Dr. House is so funny.

Pennywise the Phil is safe. So it's down to Chris, Kiki, and Jordin.

Back to Africa and some HIV-positive kids whose parents are dead. And then people filmed with Simon and Ryan who died later.

Josh Groban sings "You Raise Me Up" with the African Children's Chorus. Those little children. They're so precious. I'm sorry, this is going to sound racist, but black children are the cutest children of all. They just are. They have the sweetest smiles and the brightest twinkles in their eyes. If you don't like it, well, BITE ME.

I just said to Frank, "Black children are just the cutest children. I hope we have black children someday." He said, "You are such a cutie head." Then he laughed and turned to me. "You actually thought that for a minute, didn't you?" "Yes. They're so adorable!" "If you really want them that badly, we can always adopt."

Kelly Clarkson is singing "Up to the Mountain," featuring Jeff Beck. I wasn't listening to the lyrics, was reading Hot Air, but she sounded awesome, whatever she sang.

Ben Stiller back on. $38K. I'm starting to think this was prerecorded, because Ellen went and announced how awesome she is by giving her amount that I don't think she should have announced on TV, because what is the point of telling everyone of your generosity?

LaKisha is safe. It's down to Jordin and Chris. If it's to be shocking, it's Jordin, but it should be Chris long before Jordin. I still think the shocker is Simon singing. Or a Simon/Paula duet with Randy playing whatever instrument he always brags about playing.

"Prepare to be startled," says Ryan. I'm sorry, I have to go throw up now. Celine really likes to duet with dead people. She's dueting with one of my all-time least favorites. Elvis. Yes, that one. Oh no. The Children, the Idol Children, are out on stage to sing backup to this filmed duet, Celine and Elvis are both projected onto stage, and the Children are standing off to the side. "If I Can Dream" is what "they" sang. Celine off in her own little Canadian world again. If I Can Have a Nightmare while awake, peeps, this is it. I swear to you, this is it.

Madonna is there with the Malauian children, the ones she didn't adopt I presume, asking you to give money.

So now we've decided that we're going to adopt an older black child someday. I want one from America, since we have plenty of American children who need our help and whatnot, and older kids don't get adopted as easier.

$30 Million almost already. Yay! Keep giving. See, I think we all wanted to hear a total first.

Who sang the final song in the finale last year? Taylor, Katharine, or Elliott? Well, hmm... the winner usually does that... right? That's all the hint you're getting.

Now Annie Lennox is on. She's singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water," and frankly, she creeps me out and has done since she left the Eurythmics. Where's Clay Aiken tonight, anyway? Wow, she's wearing an AIDS ribbon. I much prefer that cause to ManBearPig.

Aww, look at all the starving children in Africa and America and on the Indian reservation (I don't know if they like to be called "America" or not, honestly, I don't) saying "thank you." Give them money!

I'm still reeling from that Celine/Elvis thing. I need Paula's vodka. Care to share, Laker girl?

Oh hey, look! It's a results show!

Rob Schneider: "Hi, I'm Adam Sandler. And you're watching Idol Gives Back."

Chris has a mic in his hand. Jordin does not. Chris is safe, though. Jordin is also safe.

Now at one point, I did say to Frank, "The only other thing that could be a shocker is that there's a tie, and no one goes home." If only I'd written that, y'all would be telling me I'm so smart. Woulda coulda shoulda.

That was so mean to Jordin, though. Making her think she was going home. Next week, two people will go home.

They show a clip of the kids singing "American Prayer," and Bono comes in to "mentor" them. He says, "Well, you murdered that, didn't you?" Haha. Anyway, he talks to them about poverty. I actually like him. I think he has a good heart and doesn't hate people. Prove me wrong about him, but I've never heard him be venomous about people who aren't on the same page as him. He just wants to get us all on the same page. Honey over vinegar and whatnot. He's probably a little idealistic, but he doesn't come across as an evil communist. He wants to help people, and any time I've heard him speak about America, he has nothing but good things to say about us.

And the kids sing us out. I hope they wear something other than white leisure suits next week. Eek.

I hope Kiki and Blake go next week. I'm totally out on both of them.

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Rating: 2.0/5 (2 votes cast)

American Idol
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