Ok, peeps. I realize that I didn't blog last night's show, and I know y'all hate that. Just hate it with all of your bones, because you live for my AI blogging. Oh I know! So tonight I'm gonna try to blog the results show with flashbacks to last night's show so you can get my opinions. That's why you're here, right? And if you want to skip to the end, I predict that Chris and Phil are going home on American Idol Super-Fantastic Bloodbath Night (or whatever I called it before). The way I ranked them was Melinda (just barely #1 over the #2 contestant), Blake a microscopically close second (I'll explain later), a shockingly not boring and two-weeks-in-a-row not chesty LaKisha solidly in third (and were it not for the rabbit coming out of Blake's communist hat last night, I might have put her ahead of him and wanted to kiss her myself, though platonically on the cheek, mkay?), and lagging pretty far behind, I had Chris in fourth, Phil in fifth because even though he didn't suck, he was just so stinking boring, and Jordin (whew, what a disaster that was!) firmly in last. But I think Jordin has a good, solid fanbase.

Plus, this guy sang a going home song.

D'oh! Forgot to credit and thank Cadet Happy for the photoshop.

"I'm going out in a blaze of glory..."? Those lyrics didn't send you running from the song, Pennywise? Or should I say Pennydumb?

Ok, on with the show.

And write off thee bat, their's a poster in thee audience that says "Blake Your #1". These our Blakes' fans, kids. *sigh* I love poor grammar humor.

So there is the grimacing Antonella. Seriously, I think she just realized that she's been duped into a live taping of American Idol and not a sneak preview of the new Spiderman movie. Sorry, Antonella.

The Celiac Disease book just fell off the back of the couch and almost landed on my head. I wonder if that's a sign that i'm ready for my biopsy.

Ryan says that once again the results show will be stretched into an hour with no filler; then he looks around and does that pretend whistle thing, followed by a, "Sure." Frank doesn't think he would want Seacrest to joke about it if he were a network exec. I think it's great that they own it, and if I were the exec, I would say, yes, Ryan, own it. Just get out there and make fun of it all. Sanjaya, your own questionable sexuality, Paula's collagen, Paula's vodka-induced crazy, Paula in general, and filler. Oh, and Simon's self-chest massages. Definitely make fun of that. For the love of pete.

Paula just did the "love you!" fingers over her head, and I promise, it looked like she was doing the "shape of an L on her forehead." Simon is shaking Paula's head by her hair. Has ahold of her hair. This is the real reason to watch this show. To watch Pauler's head bob back and forth at Simon's tacit behest. Paula tells Simon that she's not his puppet. Ryan says, "I've seen his puppet, and you're much prettier." Simon looks shocked, chuckles, and looks toward whom I assume is his girlfriend. They almost never show her. He quickly stops smiling, so yes, the girlfriend. Simon and I have both assumed Ryan was referring to the girlfriend as the puppet. TOO MEAN! And no, if I recall from the one or two times I've seen her, Ryan is mistaken. That's all I'm saying, because I don't like to be mean to Pauler unless it involves vodka or collagen, and Pauler would be pretty without those, I think.

They talk about how this was finally a night to watch on AI, how it was a great night for everyone. SarahK interrupts, "You mean except Jordin, of course. Poor girl. It was like Gwen Stefani night ten-fold, but without the Raggedy Ann clothes." Ryan asks Simon about rock night, and Simon says that unless Ryan apologizes for the remark about his girlfriend, he's not going to answer the question. Simon knows which girl to keep happy (Ryan or the girlfriend). Smart man, Simon. Ryan says, "She's your puppet?" and gives a poorly acted performance of "What? That's totally not what I meant. You took it that way? What's wrong with you?" Simon, being classier and/or British (meaning that he has the accent, so he can seem classier whether he is or not), says, "Oh, that's not what you meant? Ok, then, it was a great night, and if I have to give top marks to anyone, it would be Blake, for taking a risk." Blake's like, "Wow," with that ugly black hair he's trying to pull off. It does not work on him. And I'd venture to say that it's annoying his good friend Chris just a little that Blake died his hair dark and is trying to pull off the Five-O-Clock. Just my outsider's opinion. I could be way off. (But I'm a girl of 30 and very smart about people, and there's a look that Chris gives Blake a little later, I had to rewind five minutes, so... um, I could be right.)

They recap last night. Ryan does his man-on-the-street thing. Then they go to the kids on the couch.

Ryan talks to Blake a little first. How does he come up with the arrangements? He uses computer software and makes mashed potatoes out of the music and stuff. Communist mashed potatoes. Ryan asks Jordin about being so awful, and she says yeah, everyone has to have a bad week, and this was mine, and blah blah blah. Pennywise is up next. Ryan says Pennywise wasn't allowed to listen to pop music as a kid? What, he's decided to steal Chris Sligh's backstory to try to make himself more interesting? "We didn't have pop music in the sewers of Derry, Maine." But listen to this gold that comes out of Pennydumb's mouth: "Well, you know... my dad's a pastor... of a church." As opposed to pastors of... well, I guess he could have meant sheep. Ryan asks Kiki what kind of kisser Simon is. "Good! I'd do it again." "No no no. As we heard earlier, he has a girlfriend, and it is very serious. Trust me. I've tried to turn him. I mean... um..." Ok, I added that last part, because I'm still annoyed about the puppet girlfriend ugly comment, so I've decided to question Ryan's sexuality again. It's fun for me. Let me have my fun. He hates it when people question his orientation. Oh, and I say all this in the spirit of "allegedly." Of course.

Ruben Studdard appears on screen briefly to remind you that you can still donate to 1877-IDOL AID. Where was he last week, anyway? Where was Clay? Where was Fantasia? Where was Taylor? Anyway, we/they (I include me, because I practically begged y'all to give last week) raised over $70MM and counting. Yay us!

Ryan asks Melinda what impact the charity event had on her. "Well, I didn't get eliminated, so that was awesome." Naw, I'm just kidding, she didn't say that. She said it was great and all that. She was blessed and felt sunshine and rainbows all around her.

Recap of the previous week's charity show. Officially known as "filler." For unseen footage and details on where the money is going, including John Kleese footage, go to americanidol.com.

Robin Thick(e?) is performing now. Who? All I know is I don't have to sit through that. That's what Tivo is for. Nice smile, though.

Fantasia wants you to give money. She's standing in front of library books. At first I thought that was a strange place to stand. Then I remembered that she came out as being illiterate, and she's learning to read now. So that's kind of cute or poignant or something.

Bad Ford commercial. "Paint It Black". They should not even be doing this song. Gina did that song. She was there last night, and I wished she were onstage singing. She wasn't. :'-( But that was probably one of the cooler Ford videos they've done. And creepiest. And most fitting, for purposes of having a farewell video for Pennywise/Nosphilatu (as the rest of America likes to call him). Have they even *seen* It?

Ryan has some results.

He starts with Melinda, Pennywise, and LaKisha--plucks them right off the front bench. I'm thinking this is where Pennydumb goes home. Oh yeah. I forgot that they are combining last week's votes with this week's votes. Eek, that could kill my predictions. Oh well. I'll stand by them.

He starts with Melinda. So I will start with Melinda. Cue Scooby Doo music.

Melinda tells Jon Bon that she's so bad at rock. He says, "I can teach you." Can you teach me, too? Because I'm really bad at it, too. She's singing "Have a Nice Day," one of the newer songs. He tells her to take it to church. She's like, "I like church!" She tries to do the "I love you" fingers, and she isn't sure which way the fingers should face. It's ok, Melinda, nobody really knows. Onstage, she looks awesome. Jeans, sleeveless shirt with laceup leather on the side (but still modest) that says something I can't read. Brixton? Very uncomfy shoes or boots with stiletto heels. She is rocking and in-your-face and I LOVE her. Best of the night by a hair. BTW, her hair is great. Long and straight. RANDY: Yo yo yo, I don't know if it was your best, but it was great. A little Tina Turner. SARAHK: Definitely Tina Turnery. RANDY: It was hot. PAULA: How does it feel to be a rock star? You're a rock star! Rock on! Rock the house! Rock the vote! Rocks are cool! SIMON: Melinda, it was like a young Tina Turner. Vocally in a different league to everyone else tonight. SARAHK: Agreed. I loved rock night. I only wish The Glock were singing.

Next is Phil. Scooby Doo...

Phil is so excited to be jammin' with Bon Jovi. Maybe not as excited as he was on J-Lo night. Bon Jovi says he nailed it and sounds like he's sung it many times. Phil is singing "Blaze of Glory." He starts in the audience, goes up on the dancy scaffold behind the judges, and eventually gets to stage. Watching it again, it is not as boring as I remember it being. But it's every bit as much a leaving song as I thought. And while it doesn't suck, it is nothing spectacular, and I wish I'd not accidentally looked up at the TV in the middle of the performance. Other than the end note, it is nothing different from the original. Also, when I watched it last night, I remember telling Frank, "I can't understand a single word he's saying." He does not "pronunciate." I stand by my 5th place ranking and my prediction. Especially knowing that he's in a three with Melinda and LaKisha, and Kiki has gained even in my own eyes two weeks in a row by the mere act of wearing something over her baby feeders. RANDY: Check it out, yo. I recorded that with Jon Bon Jovi. SARAHK: A name drop? I've never heard such a thing from Randy. SIMON: That's what was wrong with the song. RANDY: You were like harkening Steve Perry on a Bon Jovi song. SARAHK: Did you catch that dual name-drop thing he did there? Very sly. I'm sure no one even saw what he was doing there. Except me and Simon and Paula and thirty-five million Americans. Eh, make that probably fifteen million (my estimation of the adults who waste time this way like Frank and me). I'll bet the teenagers don't get it. They vote for communists and hair. PAULA: You'll never forget this year. You were like a kid up there! SARAHK: One who's never seen the sun. PAULA: This was your best week ever. SIMON: I don't know about that. I didn't hear any authenticity. In the middle, I thought you were like a bad actor trying to play a role, and I don't think you've done enough to last next week. RANDY AND PAULA: We tell the truth. SIMON: It's not the truth. SARAHK: They can't handle the truth! And Simon's right. And wow, that jacket. Phil does not pull off that jacket.

Then it's LaKisha. Y'all know the drill about the music. WHERE IS THE MUSIC? Oh, sorry. I found it. Didditidoot. Didditidoot. Didditidoot.

LaKisha gets viewer email. Yay! She refuses to sit on the urinal stool, because she wants America to see her slim side. And actually, I did notice that she appears to be slimming down. I don't know if it's the lack of white satin in recent weeks or the sleek, long hair extensions, but she is looking slim. By the way, I got my hair done yesterday, y'all. It looks lovely. I got three inches cut off, and it's still almost to my boobs. If I'd known it was still going to be that long, I would have told Sue to take five inches off. I have so much hair. Not complaining, though. Where was I? Kiki's viewer email. Did she have any formal training? No, just church. Church? And it took you this many weeks of my vitriol to get you to cover your cleavage? Anyone notice everyone's trying to bring in the "church" card after Melinda showed us what's on her iPod? Mmmmhmm. Just sayin'. Or implyin'.

Ok, so LaKisha says she's heard of Bon Jovi and seen him on Oprah, Girlfriend. Oh dear. I have nothing to say about her making me feel that old except "bless her heart." (That's how Christians say "I hate you" in a nice way.) But she's never ever listened to his music. She's singing "This Ain't a Love Song." Jon Bon (we're old friends, because I knew allllllll the songs and recorded them on cassettes, people, cassettes off the radio growing up-- KISS FM and Eagle 97 and Y-95, hello) has to explain to Kiki that, um... this is a love song. It's, like, ironical? So she gets it after that. When she sings it, I have absolutely no complaints, and I got chills last night when she sang it, and tonight on the rewatch, I got chills and nerve tingles up my legs. Applause!! Nothing bad to say about it except the whole "I've seen him on Oprah so I know who that old guy is" thing. Throw the older voters a bone, girl. We vote too.

Oh, funny story. I found my old Gospellaires tapes (they're a wonderful a capella men's quartet from a church of Christ in Cleburne, I think, if they haven't moved on to the next life, because they weren't exactly young when I was in middle school), and I think I had copied these tapes from my stepmom when I was in middle school (statute of limitations is out on that, right?). Ok, so I was listening to these while painting the kitchen the other day, and I was singing along, painting, deep in thought and song. And apparently I had re-recorded over a tape that I had previously used for recording the top 10 off of the radio. Because right after the end of a beautiful gospel hymn, I hear Paula Abdul. Pauler, I'm not kidding! "Straight up, now, tell me do you really wanna love me forever... oh oh oh..." And then the DJ busts in and tells me that I am listening to Y-95. Do you think I'm going to hell for that?

Anyway, the judging on LaKisha. RANDY: LaKisha's back this week. You've got something to prove to Simon. It was a little pitchy in the beginning. You blew that out the box! LaKisha's back! PAULA: Money in pocket, you gave us some'in' some'in'. SIMON: LaKisha, I actually could kiss you after that. LAKISHA: Well, come on! (Ryan drags LaKisha down to Simon, they smooch on the lips.) SIMON: You were so good. RYAN: The image of her lipstick on your lips. SIMON: You rose to the challenge, I didn't know what the song was. You absolutely nailed it. And nice lips. I absolutely loved it. SARAHK: Me too. And thank you, once again, for reigning in those jugs.

Melinda is safe.
LaKisha is safe.
Phil is going home. Tonight's going home song is Carrie Underwood's version of "I'll Stand By You." It's so pretty. I need to download that.

American Idol "Challenge." Where do the Idols go for a visit tonight in the Ford video? Laundromat, carwash, circus? Hrmmmm. I just watched that. Oh yeah.

Back row stands up, it's Jordin, Blake, and Chris. Do you want me to spoil the non-surprise before I review these three? Ok, I will. Ryan says, "Jordin, I messed with you so much last week, I won't mess with you this week. Sit down, you're safe."

Ok, so let's go back to last night.

Jordin. The music, please! Thank you.

Egads! Make it stop! I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so ugly about it, but it was a disaster. But let me torture you with it as I was tortured with it. Jordin says to Jon Bon & the keyboardist... um... Slash... "My mom is gonna flip out... She got me into y'all, so I'm just..." Jon Bon is gracious. "Oh yeah?" Jordin is singing "Living on a Prayer." Even in the rehearsal, Jordin is struggling, and JBJ says, "We had to work on the melodies a lot with Jordin. But she's seventeen. I couldn't sing half that good at seventeen." The verses are bad, choruses are worse. I thought it was awful when she said, "Gina works the diner all day," and pointed at The Glock in the audience. No, The Glock is gonna be a singer, too, Jordin. Frank says she just wanted to be like, "Hey, your name is Gina, and that's the name in the song!" Probably, yeah. She's seventeen. Anyway, it's an atonal mess, though I love the hair and the outfit, regardless of Simon's criticisms. Her worst performance ever. Wow, that studio audience will stand up for any performance then, no? RANDY: This was interesting for me, because... It was tough for you, right? When you hit the big notes in the choruses, it was ok, but the verses were rough, right? PAULA: None of us know what it's like for you to be in the workshop process. You have a hot guys band. It was out of your range. But you're great, and I love lollipops. They're great when you dip them in vodka. SIMON: Let's just cue the boos in advance, because... first of all, the look was something out of the Addams Family. The singing was out of control. It was verging on shrieking sometimes. You're at a disadvantage, because you've been given guys' rock songs to sing, but it was terrible. RYAN: Thank you, Herman Munster. SARAHK: Aren't all three of the remaining girls at a disadvantage? And Melinda and LaKisha nailed it, so... um... I can't agree with you on that one. Also, one of the best things you can do on American Idol is sing a song by someone of the opposite sex, because then there's no chance you're going to be compared tone-for-tone to the original. As long as you're not off-key, you have a shot of being called great. I mean, I would suck at Bon Jovi week, but I would do something like pick an obscure song that nooooobody knows and sing the stuffing out of it. Or forget the words. Either way, I would NOT pick "Living On a Prayer." Nothing that everyone over twenty-five could sing in his sleep. Or her sleep, as it were.

Blake. Scoooby! Blake is singing "You Give Love a Bad Name." Jon Bon says it is an "adventurous" rendition (Teller the keyboardist nods and smiles in agreement), and when an artist says that, it generally means, "Dude. You're butchering my song. What the heck? Don't you know I'm Jon Bon Jovi?" Jon Bon says Blake will have to sell his interpretation of a song that a lot of people don't want messed with. SarahK being one of those. Because at the beginning of this last night, I was standing at the edge of the couch saying, "I DON'T WANT IT MESSED WITH. DON'T MAKE IT YOUR OWN, DAWG!" JBJ was being gracious and all, but did anyone get an inkling that maybe he was going, "Hey! Sing the dang song!" Yeah, I got that inkling when he said, "Sixteen measures of someone not singing on a show that's supposed to showcase singers... makes me wonder." I was already tense before this began.

Ok, so at the beginning, Blake is onstage with Black hair, because he's a rocker, you know. And he is miming. Miming. Bears repeating. Twice. Miming the act of taking a record off the shelf, in case yours truly didn't feel old enough. Putting the record on the turntable, etc. I'm laughing and saying, "Oh no. He is NOT doing this to Bon Jovi." Then "Shot through the heart..." begins. Thankfully putting us out of the techno-mime misery, right? No. There's more techno-crap during the verse. And I'm saying, "No no no" all throughout the beginning of this and trying to scratch my skin off of myself. Like "get it off me! get it off me!" But then the chorus arrives, and "Shot through the heart" and I'm back on board. Oh yay! It's great! As soon as he hits the chorus, I am all up in this song. Oh yes. And then he beatboxes. On "You Give Love a Bad Name." You understand my feelings of intense... scrutinous... wonderment? Because on one hand I'm going, "Save it for Dirty Pop!" and on the other, he's really good with the beatboxing. And on the third hand, he sang that communist song last week, and the only way he can ever truly come back from that in my eyes is to sing the Toby Keith song about "we'll put a boot in your--" where was I? Right. The chorus eventually rolls around, and I'm so happy again, because he's so good at it. When he just lets go and doesn't try to do this soft, crappy, understated communist propaganda, his voice is glorious. So. I was conflicted. But every time I was just about done and saying, "Stop! Stop it! No!" then he would sing the chorus. So butchering a classic with fantastic beatboxing that should be showcased in an 'NSYNC song and NOT a classic that I grew up on was tricky for me. I hated it and then loved it and then hated myself for loving it. I just don't know what I would have done had it been "Pour Some Sugar on Me." Oh, speaking of 'NSYNC, I think the DWTS judges would tell Blake the same thing they initially told Joey Fatone: "Your bum sticks out quite a bit." Doesn't it? I know, I'm one to talk, thunder-thighs over here. RANDY: Yo, check it out. I've gotta give you the award for the most original version of a song ever on AI. You took a leap of faith and you won. PAULA: This was a big leap of faith. This was amazing. This was your night. Even Simon's mum. She was rocking with you. SIMON: Half the audience will absolutely hate it, and half the audience will love it. And I think that was the right thing to do. You are a very brave man, and you took a big risk, and this is what is going to keep you in the competition next week.

Chris's performance last night. Fred! Velma! Dog! There was Inane Viewer Email, but it was stupid and forgettable. Chris is singing "Wanted Dead or Alive," and Chris says that he knows Chris Daughtry did this last year on AI, but you can't have a Bon Jovi night on AI without doing this song, and if someone has to take the hit for it, he will. Chris doesn't know the words in rehearsal. They're not allowed to take lyrics sheets in with them? That's stupid. I love that Chris has to prompt Jon Bon to give him performance notes. "Anything on performance?" "Find the blue note, and stick to it, because the song has a blues aspect to the lyrical content." A lot of words in that sentence. Rewatching this, I really like it. Anytime I hear someone sing, "I've got the nine on my side," that is just... well... it makes me want to go to the shooting range, not because of pent-up aggression, but because guns are sexy. So yeah. I should put him in a close #4 spot, way ahead of Pennywise. I really hope he doesn't leave. I'd rather see the communist go home. Of course, for all I know, Chris is one too. You never can tell with these young, impressionable children. RANDY: I was worried about these Bon Jovi songs tonight, because none of y'all are rock singers, but y'all are blah blah yay. PAULA: Yay! SIMON: I think you did as much as you could do with that song, because this is not your style of music. Whether it's enough to stay another week, I'm not sure. SARAHK: Hmmm.

I LOOOOOOOOATHE THE CINGULAR TEXTING COMMERCIAL MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY! DO I NEED TO TEXT IT TO YOU?

Back to live...

Bon Jovi is performing "(You Want to) Make a Memory." And the whole band is there. It's amazing the huge acts that AI gets now. But really, what venue is bigger than AI? This is so much bigger than Leno and Saturday Night Live. I didn't look up stats or anything, but I'd bet at least a dollar on that.

Jon Bon won't pick who's leaving between Chris and Blake. Politician!

Taylor Hicks is also in front of books. That blows my whole illiteracy theory. Unless Taylor was illiterate? It's nice he decided to acknowledge that AI exists and helped him get anywhere. Ingrate. He did it for The Children, I guess. Or to remind you that he released an album.

Blake and Chris say they're best friends. Awwww. I guess Chris could be a communist too. Bummer.

Chris is going home. Blake is staying. That's probably as it should be. Chris hasn't really done anything noteworthy lately. I still like him. Oh, we're back to "Home" by Daughtry.

Well. Frank and I are tired after tonight's bloodbath. Shame on you, American Idol, for being so violent tonight.

No tears for Chris, contestants? That's cold. Even Jordin and Melinda can't squeeze out any saline. Wow, standing O from Simon. Oh, finally they squeeze the tears out after he's done singing. Chris and Blake are hugging a LOT.

And it's down to Blake (the beatboxer) and the black chicks. This show is racist. I'm just kiddin'.

• Currently 2.88/5
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Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

American Idol
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