Yo. Papa John's. I don't know where you get off calling this a large. A large pizza, by definition, has twelve slices. You wanna bring me a large pizza and give me eight slices? What the heck? Whoever came up with the size chart was tripping on Tulips.

Eight slices. Whatever. I do like that online ordering thingy, though. Used to do that all the time in Amarillo, and nobody gives me a long, awkward pause on the other end of the line when I order a pineapple, banana peppers (or jalapenos, depending on my mood), and mushroom pizza.

I will love Pauler forever for tripping on Tulips last night. Probably my favorite moment of the season.

Ryan says it's the night we've all been waiting for. Amen, broothah. Amen. Oh yeah! Can't wait for LOST. I hope Jack and Sayid get in a brawl, and Sayid buries Jack up to his head in the sand so he gets a nasty sunburn and can't try to become self-appointed king of the island again until after Sayid has taken care of The Others, Iraqi-style.

Oh, on the amen front, I was trying to say that we're all just ready for it to be over. But y'all probably picked that up from the title of the post, right? Right.

So will it be the beatboxer from Seattle or the sweetheart from Arizona? They couldn't come up with something better for Jordin than "sweetheart"? Like "that chick with pipes who can totally sing the skin off a chicken"?

That main backup singer girl (the one in the middle) is wearing a corset for a shirt. No lie. She's the one that always seems to be in charge. Teri Hatcher is in the audience, aren't you happy? There's Jeff Foxworthy, too!

Blake's cheers in the audience are louder than Jordin's. Dun dun dunnnnnnnn. Randy is wearing a black suit with some kind of Liberace lace on the cuffs and lapels and matching tie. Pauler is wearing a nice cleavage formaly dress with long hair and equally long earrings (don't those things hurt? and when did giant earrings reprise?). Simon is wearing last night's Super Big Finale Two Hour Special White Pressed Shirt and Black Jacket I'm British and Dashing Ensemble. You know the one. In the freeze-frame, Pauler doesn't look like she tripped on Tulips today, and I hope I'm wrong. Last night, she was my GIRL!

Randy thinks it's gonna be a hot finale. Hot, baby! And he asks Ryan to pick the winner, and Ryan says no, because then the loser won't come on E! and his radio show. He didn't say that stuff, but y'all know that's what he's thinking. Pauler feels excellent, and Ryan says... drumroll... "Simon, you already look bored." "Well, sweetheart, it's because I'm listening to your pretty mouth. Mwah. See you later." "No, you're gay!"

Ry-ry says it's been exhausting. Blake got fitted by some designer I've never heard of, and Jordin got fitted by that Badgley guy anyone who's ever read People's Oscar recap issue has heard of for sure. And now Jordin and Blake are singing "I Saw Her Standing There" and holding hands and everything. Blake's acting like he's into it and everything. They even do a little peck on the cheek thing at the end. Dude, she's 17, and you're way older! But I guess that's legal, right?

Oh come on. I'm just kidding.

And now, they're tuning into Gwen Stefani, who is on tour, and she is going to sing a song for us remotely. It's called "Four in the Morning." Oh my. She is wearing...

a birthday cake. Not kidding. I actually kinda like the song. It kinda seems like she's lipsynching. I'm not accusing, I'm just saying something seems not right with it. I mean, aside from the birthday cake and giant ribbon she has wrapped around her body.

Haha, I love the new "We're pregnant!" dropped call commercial. Also the "don't make the same mistake I did" commercial from last night was hilarious. And yes, I have the all-powerful DVR, but sometimes I'm still typing when the commercial starts rolling.

Kelly Clarkson! She's finally back. She's singing "Never Again", her new single. She actually seems a little nervous at first. I'm kinda loving this song. And I think it's safe to say she's pretty much a rocker now, yes? I love her body. Don't care for the semi-hoo-hah dress or eyeliner. Who is she, Zoolander? Anyway, she rocks. If she were competing last night, I totally would have voted for her. For the record, I tried to vote for Jordin several times because she at least tried and she did smack Blake around. Just could not have voted for Yoko, unless he'd totally nailed that "This is My Frau" song.

There's Jerry Springer.

The Golden Idols (because really, isn't this what the results show is all about? the people who already made my all-time list of people I never want to meet get to go onstage and make the list again?):

Best Presentation Award goes to Margaret Fowler, the fifty-year-old chicken lady. She plants a big nasty kiss on Ryan and knocks him to the ground, and they kinda roll around in the most heterosexual action Ryan has seen since Tara Reid (that was in his experimental phase--I kid because I love, Ryan!). Her cellphone starts ringing while she's onstage accepting her award. Ryan answers and tells whoever it is that she is on national TV, and could she please call them back. That's totally not staged. Actually, based on her... it could be real if her family and friends are like her, and by "like her," I mean "freaks." Just to clarify. I didn't want y'all to think I meant something mean like "eccentric." BTW, other nominees were X-Centric (world-class nutter) and Isadora Furman (sounded like she had an orgasm during her audition).

Now the top six guys are out to sing "Ooh Baby Baby." Sanjaya, Chris R, Chris Sligh, Pennywise, Blake, Brandon. And then they introduce Smokey Robinson. Wow, that face has been through a lot of stretching. Notice, people: You stretch things like thighs, arms, shoulders, hamstrings. Not faces! Anyway, the guys have apparently made all their final arrangements, and so has Smokey. They've said goodbye to their loved ones, and they're all ready to go meet their Maker up above, because there's no other reason a man (or a woman) would be dressed like a cloud or a feather pillow or a country club (think about it, it will come to you), unless he got sprayed by Stay Puft. And I think Jay or Deb or someone already verified earlier this season in the comments that Stay Puft didn't do it. Or did I dream that?

What the heck? I just checked my sitemeter to make sure I had the right url for Jay & Deb (because they make me feel good every day by clicking the link from their blog to mine, and they probably don't read it, they just do it to help my fragile little ego, because they're nice like that), and in scanning my referrers? I just had a referral from someone searching the web for "baby penis." First off, what kind of sick @#$% is searching for baby penises? Huh? Who are you, you putrid overlord of scum? Second of all... how did that lead them to my blog?

Who knows what kind of rambling post of mine got me a "baby penis" hit. Whatever. I found a Carefree strip with the Monster cables behind the TV stand this week! Nothing shocks me anymore! Nothing!

Oh dear. More songs from the men on their way to the sweet by and by. Paullagen is standing and dancing, and the boys are doing some kind of Temptations dancing. Oh good, that segment's over. Go meet Lord Xenu. He awaits you.

Go to americanidol.com for information on making your band famous. Any kind of band.

(DJ) Barry B., Blake Lewis, and Dougy Fresh (or Doug E. Fresh, if you please) are out to perform together. Dougy Fresh being the original human beatbox, of which he reminds us a million bazillion times throughout the performance. Wow. Just wow. Other than Blake doing that whole "OMG" riff, that was freaking amazing.

Ryan says it's just like the days of Justin and Kelly. Indeed. Frank and I watched a replay of that finale on the local Fox channel the other night. Kelly and Tamyra were pretty much the only not-tonedeaf ones, from what we heard.

Sweet. Frank just said they're coming out with a singing game for the Wii. Wiiii!

The Golden Idols:

Most Original Vocal. Nominees are Nicholas Zitzmann (that awful Unchained Melody kid who truly thinks he can sing, and he should win, hands down); Sandie Chavez (Black Velvet girl who had Marcus Dixon talking in her ear or something, because she totally kept holding her ear--also thought she could sing, but she's no Zitzmann); Sholandric Stallworth (thought he was Luther Vandross, truly thought that, and changed keys unwittingly). What? How did Sholandric Stallworth win? They must not have been able to get Zitzmann or Chavez to come back, because Stallworth is 3rd place. Ryan has him go to the front of the stage and take a singing request from Randy to sing. Randy requests "Silent Night," because it's the holidays. And Sholandric sings, "Silent night, holy night. All is palm..." Palm. All is palm. A'ight, then.

Now the top six girls are out to sing in their second wedding dresses. "I Heard it Through the Grapevine," though by the looks of those dresses, I was bracing for Xanadu. Gladys Knight arrives. Yes! She rebelled and wore a black and white top! Go Gladys! She looks awesome, sounds awesome. Haley is wearing more clothes than she wants to. Melinda and LaKisha are singing right alongside Gladys, and everyone else is pipping during "Midnight Train to Georgia." Man, I've missed The Glock. And there's Stephanie, Melinda, LaKisha, Jordin, and Haley. I had to name them all, because I named all the guys, and I'm nothing if not fair.

We're back. On the biggest show in the world. And Tony Bennett, who totally bailed the night after Tony Bennett performance night with the flu, which I have no reason to doubt he had, is out to perform. Y'all, when I'm not listening to country, I'm listening mostly to this kind of music and a little to pop. He's doing "For Once in My Life." Aw, heck yeah, that was awesome, y'all. I applauded right here in the livingroom and everything. He wins American Idol Season Yawn. That man can still wail. Am I gushing? I can stop now. Frank, the CD is called "For Once in My Life." Yes, please.

Golden Idol:

Nominees for Best Buddies: Jonathan and Kenneth (yeah, they win--these are the guys from Seattle, Simon called one a bush baby); Amanda and Antonella ("Because God likes good people"); Simon and Ryan (no, you're gay!). Ryan says to Simon, "You don't have an Emmy, and you don't have one of these either." Oh, snap!

And what happens next... um... ok, so... playing up? that Simon called the kid a bush baby? We want to do that? I mean, I guess he signed the big disclaimer and all that, but not the big AI shining moment this season. So... Jonathan and Kenneth come out to accept the award, and they tell everyone that they've been doing the red carpet everywhere, they've been on lots of shows, tons of interviews, lots of fame over this, blah blah blah. Ryan asks Kenneth how he felt about Simon calling him a bush baby. Ryan, did you miss that episode? See, I watched it, and Kenneth said lots of stuff about it. Basically, he was mad. He went on Kimmel to tell how he felt, everyone saw it. It was all over the news shows, even Fox News. There was a huge to-do. I blogged it. You missed all that? Where were you? Chasing chicks? No, that's not it... KENNETH: You said it, and now I am where I am today. So yay. Lighten up. I have. I forgive you. SIMON: Thank you. Nice to have you back. KENNETH: (quite sure Simon didn't hear this the first time, so he now grabs that microphone really good) Lighten up, Simon. (puts on sunglasses) I have. (Kenneth is so proud of himself and quite sure that he is the World's Coolest Not Bush Baby right now.) SIMON: (to Pauler) What'd he say? I couldn't hear him. PAULA: I don't know. (She's so over this segment.)

Ok, so Ryan moves it along, tells Simon that Kenneth was just complimenting him, right? And then... I'm not joking, y'all. On the screen, they show what a real bush baby looks like. RYAN: I want you to look at the screen. This is what a real bush baby looks like. SARAHK: Nuh-uh. They are not doing that. Do they really wanna... Uh. Huh. (It gets better.) RYAN: And we have sponsored one on your behalf at the Milwaukee Zoo, in your name. SARAHK: Awkward! (Even Kenneth looks a little patronized by this.) Double awkward! RYAN: Its official name is on record as Simon. (Simon gives them a standing ovation as they leave the stage.)

Whew. Glad that's done.

Now Melinda Doolittle (yay!) is out to sing with BeBe and CiCi Winans, for whom she used to sing backup. They sing "Hold Up the Light." It's about saving the world, but I can't really understand much more than that. I know they should all pronunciate better. But Melinda is smiling ear to ear singing about people dying, but I think she's just starstruck, because hey, she used to sing backup for them! And now she's singing right up front with them! I don't blame her. Carrie, Martina, Celine, Sara Evans and I could sing about dead kittens, and I would be crying tears of joy.

Crappy Ford commercial is outtakes of all the top ten from previous commercials to "Time After Time."

Jordin and Blake both get Ford Mustangs.

Carrie Underwood is onstage with her fiddler and three guys on acoustic guitar to sing that not-to-be-outdone acoustic version of "I'll Stand by You." I'm so mesmerized. She's gorgeous, her voice is flawless. I love it when her fiddler solos--she always looks at him when he does so, and she looks at him with such admiration. They should get married and make musical babies. Unless he's already married, in which case she should stop looking at him like that. Until the very end of the song, when the cameras panned out, I thought she was wearing this stunning straight brown/beige gown with just the right amount of shiny on it. It's actually a floor-length top that splits in the front to reveal jeans? But it's fully formal gownish everywhere except where there's no dress. And I know y'all will be shocked--I still like it. Even though it's strapless (her hair covers where the dress doesn't). This can mean only one thing: I have a girl-crush on Carrie Underwood.

I can't wait for her next album. I wonder when it comes out.

Wow, Daughtry #1 selling artist of the year last year. Double platinum. And has been in the top ten for six months. Clive Davis is going on and on about all the amazing talent out of American Idol and the songwriters that write great songs for the Idols. Oh look! Ace Young! I can go to bed now. It's what I was waiting for.

Oh. Forgot to tell y'all earlier. The Hoff is in the audience. So we can get some tears later maybe. :-D

And then he starts talking about Carrie Underwood's achievements and how she's won pretty much every award out there this year, because she rocks it (country style). And he's there to present a special plaque-trophy thingy to her, because her first album has now gone... (and this is a true sunglasses moment, so much so that I want to fly to Hollywood and give Clive some sunglasses right now so he can put them on--no, scratch that. I want to fly David Caruso out there so he can do the whole moment himself. It's that good.) Her first album has gone... (sunglasses on or off--you choose)... six-times platinum. SIX TIMES. Six million album sales. Poor girl, Pennywise is holding one end of her plaque when she comes out to accept it (Chris R has the other end, so that's coo').

Carrie thanks everyone, including the fans and AI (she's obviously short on time, because she has to kiss Ryan real quick and get off the stage).

Now's the part of the show where they're gonna talk about Idol Fantastically Gives Back to the Whole Wide World again. And oh crap, the African Children's Choir is here to sing and dance around for us, which means I'm going to have another urging to adopt a cute little black child. Just look at them! Tell me white kids are that cute! You can't do it, because you'd be liars. Liars! Plus, these kids dance way better. And if we adopt a little black girl, no one will ask, "Where do you get that butt from?" They'll just assume it came from me. Oh, they were so CUTE! I want one to hug and squeeze!

The movie trailer guy does Sanjaya like a movie trailer. And he's performing with Joe Perry from Aerosmith. That's just wrong. And they have the big fans to blow his hair around. And he does not deliver, because his hair is boring, so we're just left with his hair and the crying plant girl. At least Joe Perry has a solo, right? Except Sanjaya keeps thinking it's about him and getting all up in Perry's space.

And now Green Day is going to perform a song to save Darfur. If it weren't Green Day, I'd consider listening, because I think Darfur is a sad, sad situation. But Green Day makes me want to throw stuff, and I've already finished spackling everything, so I may fast-forward. I guess I'll listen until the lyrics start ticking me off. Well, the good news is I can't understand a word that guy's singing except "a working class hero is something to fear," and I don't know what the heck that's supposed to mean, so it doesn't anger me. I'm just like, whatever dude. Carefree strips and monster cables. And it has a nice sound. I'd play this in the background while painting or getting a massage, since I can't understand it. Oh look, there's John Lennon on the screen. Wait, now it sounds like "a working class hero is something to pee in." Still, whatever, man.

Ooh! Harry Potter trailer. I'm so hopeful. I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. 'Sokay. Eight days later, I'll be reading Deathly Hallows.

Taylor Hicks, look, he's here! I thought he was too good for us anymore! And he's singing "Heaven Knows," and I'm pretty sure he just forgot the words to his own song for a second. Wow. That is a brave jacket. Very Cirque du Soleil. And yes, he keeps forgetting the words. Dude, it's your own song! I voted for you all season! At least he's playing the harmonica at the end. And you know what, Soul Patrol? Y'all can just deal with it, it's true, he was forgetting the words. Don't look at me, *I* didn't forget them!

Jordin is out in her Disney Princess dress (Sleeping Beauty to be exact), singing "You're All I Need to Get By" with Ruben Studdard. Rowdi is thoroughly ticked off about this. Barking mad dog.

Einstein.

Pirates!

Brad Garrett is at AI. And Bette Midler is singing "Wind Beneath My Wings." Fast forward. That song has funereal meanings for me. Oh, also Bette makes me want to cut myself. I didn't FF, though. And it wasn't good. Maybe she sent Joy Behar in her place. I don't know. Anyway, only fifteen minutes left. Let's rejoice in that. My tailbone hurts, and my dog is grunting a LOT.

There is an Idol performance now, of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" by Joe Perry and Kelly Clarkson. She's wearing clothing from the Haley Scarnato Clothing Line on her top half. Next is Taylor Hicks, singing "Day in the Life". Apparently this is a Beatles tribute. I'm so glad it's not an Elvis tribute. Then Carrie sings "She's Leaving Home" backed up by the top six girls from this year. And yes, she's about two inches away from a hoo-hah dress. Shame. I'm losing that girl-crush already. Oh well, we had a good run. It looks like Fantasia is the only past winner not here for the finale. She's doing The Color Purple (no understudy? This is American Idol. It made you.). Ruben sings "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" (the only awful part of the Beatles medley). Then they're all doing "With a Little Help from My Friends." Blake is wearing a marching band uniform.

And that's the show. The entire last act is not on the DVR. So... congratulations... you... guy or girl who won. See you next year!

Ok, I know y'all don't wanna have to watch this torture-fest yourselves, so I'm finding the video for you. CNN's website is too stupid for me. I said show me video of Jordin winning (oops, spoiler alert!), and it tried to show me which Idols have had the biggest success. Carrie, Kelly, and non-winner Clay. Duh, I don't need to watch your stupid video that you tried to force upon me, dufusface. Dangit, I wanna see the Hoff cry again. Stand by.

Forget it. I want the whole last act. I want from last commercial until they go to the House rerun or whatever was after American Idol tonight. So I can give you details. It's just not up yet, that I can find. Not even on SlowTube, at least not at the top of the page, and I'm not sifting through seven pages of crap. It's 3:10 a.m.! What I go through for y'all.

ARGH! I'm so unhappy about this. I want to see it. I'm even more unhappy about the fact that I want to see it. I don't think I could have cared less about this season (well, maybe I could have, but not after Melinda got booted). But I do it for y'all. It's a service. Mmhmm.

BTW, I was watching the Fox News videos about American Idol, hoping they would show me anything worth writing about. The fartface interviewing the top ten kids? He asked The Doo, "So, do you think you'll go back to backup singing now?" Tool of the Week Award goes to you, good sir. Someone do me a favor and go kick that guy in the nads.

SarahK, tripping on Tulips (code word for Fiery Habanero Doritos)-- OUT!

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Rating: 1.3/5 (2 votes cast)

American Idol
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