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June 18, 2007
Fun Facts About John Edwards
In the comments to this post, Ringmaster of The Secluded Circus said: Harvey, you should do a daily John Edwards sissy fact to counter Frank's Fred Thompson fact! Which is harder than it sounds Thompson facts are entertaining because Fred is powerful enough to make the impossible happen Sadly, this concept doesn't work in reverse. When Edwards applies his super-wussy powers and makes... well, NOTHING happen, it's just not as entertaining. Still, I enjoy a challenge, so I came up with a starter list about Edwards. After reading, you can help me decide if this project is worth pursuing: * John Edwards rejected the campaign slogan "America's First Gay President" in favor of "America's First Woman President". * In the original version of Snow White, the Evil Queen's mirror answered "John Edwards". * The reason John Edwards' haircut cost $400? Renting the tungsten carbide tipped jackhammer to break through the hairspray. * John Edwards uses a Year-at-a-Glance calendar so that he doesn't have to ask for help turning those heavy pages every month. * John Edwards has no idea what the underside of a toilet seat looks like. * John Edwards would lose a game of tic-tac-toe while playing x's and given a three-move head start, so as not to damage his opponent's self-esteem. * John Edwards still carries the scar from where a dandelion seed once fell on him. * John Edwards went swimming in the ocean and got beaten up by plankton. * If John Edwards visited the Empire State Building, the island would soon become known as Girlhattan. * A single drop of John Edwards' blood contains enough estrogen to reverse menopause. * During a campaign stop at a school for the blind, John Edwards tried reading Braille for a photo-op and broke his finger. * When John Edwards plays with a Ken doll, it's anatomically correct. * The vacuum of space is not the absence of matter, it's the overflow from John Edwards' absence of manhood. * The #1 Google return for a search for "John Edwards"? The Stayfree home page. * John Edwards is the only person who actually looks MORE macho while riding a Segway. * John Edwards once failed a high school math test because he hugged the buttons on his calculator instead of punching them. * John Edwards hates the Easter Bunny because the eggs he leaves are never the same shade of pink as his lip gloss. * All his papers are signed "Mister John Edwards" so that he can dot the "i" with a heart. * Teddy bears can't sleep at night unless they're cuddling John Edwards. * Surveys show that 70% of US children under the age of six believe in both Santa Claus and the Tooth Edwards. So... daily feature or failed concept? |
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