Well, the execs at DC have pretty much killed Aquaman.

If you've been reading the Aquaman comic (and judging by the sales numbers, you haven't), you'd know my character, Orin, was actually killed off in issue #50 and replaced by some teenage wannabe. Also, the new artists looks like he'd be more at home drawing episodes of the Smurfs (and what's with making Aquafake's eyes all black; is he part gerbil?). Thus, in an act of mercy killing, it looks like issue #57 will be the last of this Aquaman series.

That means it's time to plan a comeback!

Obviously, they need to get rid of the phony new Aquaman and return me to center stage. It's never a big deal to return a comic book character back to life, and I'm sure DC has a drawer full of scenarios to use. Next, we need some big event to make me popular again.

I think I should beat up Superman.

I'm not sure why I would fight Superman -- that's for the writers to figure out -- I just know it would be a great story (also, it worked really well for Batman in The Dark Knight Returns back in the '80s). Now, the challenge is for the beat Superman without kryptonite (any idiot can clunk him over the head with a chunk of green rock; I should be able to beat him with my powers alone).

Here's my plan:

So, Superman has been ordered to bring me down (why, again, is up to the writers to figure out), and, me obviously being too big a threat for the rest of a Justice League, Superman starts to chase me down. Only thing is, even he's not faster than me in the water (at least, he shouldn't be). So I keep swimming away while commanding fish and whales to keep getting in Superman's way. After a long chase, though, he corners me. So there Superman is in all his arrogant glory saying, "Don't make me hurt you, Arthur."

And then I smile. Because now I have him.

WHAM!

I send him flying back with a huge punch. I knock his arrogance right out of him and replace it with fear. Because, all this time he's been chasing me, I've been leading him deeper and deeper and it was getting darker and darker until, from lack of exposure to the yellow sun, his strength starts to wane.

But I'm right in my element.

BAM! BIFF! POW!

I beat the crap out of him. And because I'm a nice guy, I bring the unconscious Superman back to the surface with a note pinned to his cape: "Don't EVER come after me in MY ocean!"

...Wait, how am going to write a note underwater? Well, there are a few kinks to work out, but I think it's an awesome plan. Write DC Comics and tell them you want Aquaman -- the real Aquaman -- to fight Superman and that you'll buy ten copies each of it.

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Aqua-Adventures
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