You may have heard about the "18 benchmarks" that are being used to judge progress in Iraq, and how only 8 of them have been met.

Here's the official scorecard:

Goal: Reconciliation with former Baathists
Unsatisfactory - When choosing sides for company soccer games, Baathists still being chosen last.

Goal: Reducing the level of sectarian violence and eliminating militia control of local security
Unsatisfactory - Still a lot of fighting between those who believe Allah "tastes great" and those who believe he is "less filling".

Goal: Provide Iraqi commanders with authority to go after insurgents and militia, whether Sunni or Shia, without political intervention
Unsatisfactory - Although Shias are getting the Sunnis and Sunnis are getting the Shias, nobody is doing a damn thing about the mimes.

Goal: Increasing the number of Iraqi security forces units capable of operating independently
Unsatisfactory - Everyone just stands along the wall, staring at their feet, unless US soldiers start dragging people onto the dance floor.

Goal: Disarming militias
Too soon to judge - They're trying, but it's kinda hard when every Tom, Dick, and Mohammed has more weaponry than Keanu Reeves in the lobby scene.

Goal: Raising Iraqi brigades to support operations in Baghdad
Satisfactory - Although the only "combat experience" some brigades have is selling Burka Scout cookies.

Goal: Establishing joint US-Iraq security stations in neighbourhoods across Baghdad
Satisfactory - Thirty-six such stations have been fully established and 32 other Dunkin' Donuts shops are under construction.

Goal: Amnesty for insurgents
Too soon to judge - Still trying to settle debate on whether "amnesty" should mean "immunity from prosecution" or "a bullet to the head".

Goal: Election reform
Usatisfactory - Too many provinces are still relying on "butterfly ballots". 47 elected offices now officially held by Pat Buchanan.

Goal: Political support for Baghdad security plan
Satisfactory - The Iraqi government has appointed teams of scantily clad cheerleaders to root for both US and Iraqi soldiers.

Goal: To deny Baghdad as a safe haven for Al-Qaeda and insurgents regardless of religion
Satisfactory - Al-Qaeda cleared out. Still some minor canvassing by Jehovah's Witnesses.

Goal: Ensuring that the Iraqi security forces are providing even-handed enforcement of the law
Unsatisfactory - Women are still able to cry their way out of speeding tickets.

Goal: Fairly allocating and spending $10 billion in Iraqi revenues for reconstruction
Satisfactory - Every home in Iraq now has one of those wooden "Grandma bent over in the garden" things.

Goal: Introducing laws that would allow autonomous regions
Satisfactory - Iraqis are now permitted to build a treehouse and enforce a "no girls allowed" policy.

Goal: Constitutional review and reform
Satisfactory - Recent amendment provided for binding dispute-resolution between Baghdad and regional authorities via Rock-Paper-Scissors.

Goal: Protect minority political rights in the Iraqi legislature
Satisfactory - Iraqi legislature now rates a solid "9" on the "Tiger Woods Family Reunion Diversity Scale".

Goal: Passing an oil law
Unsatisfactory - There is no oil left in Iraq to distribute, since it's all been stolen by Bush, Halliburton, and JOOOOOS!

• Currently 2.75/5
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Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

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