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August 02, 2007
A Happy Editorial About America
By Frank J.
America makes me happy. It is full of sunshine, trees, and shiny buildings, and anytime you want a burrito, it is very easy to obtain one. It is the happiest country in the world. It has a flag of red, white, and blue which are very happy colors. Any time I see the flag, it makes me happy. America is such a happy country, it makes me happy just thinking of America... and even happier to be in America while thinking of America. One of the happiest things in America is its freedom. You have freedom to say whatever you want in America, even if you want to say unhappy things. You can walk out and say, "The government is suppressing my speech!" and no one will stop you because we are free in America. In other countries, if you said, "The government is suppressing my speech!" mean men from the government would come and beat you with sticks because they suppress speech in those countries and don't like you talking about it. Many people there are unhappy. I hope that knowing there is an America at least makes them somewhat happy. "America is an unstoppable bringer of happiness; it is a happiness steamroller." America likes to spread its happiness. When we have thing that make us happy like Big Macs and Coca-Cola, we send them to other parts of the worlds so they can be happy too. America is an unstoppable bringer of happiness; it is a happiness steamroller. Scientists have determined the reason America is so happy is that God is happy and he likes America. He blesses us with many things. Other countries don't seem to make God as happy. Sometimes they do mean things and say it is in God's name. This must make God upset. If someone did mean things in my name, I would send them a plague or a cease and desist letter. Perhaps those other countries can stop doing mean things and be happy too. Sometimes bad people try to make America unhappy by doing bad things, but we have a military that stops bad people. They are very good at what they do; this is part of being happy. They will stop bad people and they can quickly go to anywhere in the world to do it. They are like Superman. Knowing Superman is there to protect people makes them happy. Even though America is a happy place, there are still some unhappy people here. They are unhappy that the president stole an election and that the government is spying on their phone. That's how happy America is: In other countries, people have real things to be unhappy about, but in America you have to make things up to be unhappy about. If you are ever feeling unhappy, just go out and buy a burrito and you will be happy again. Because this is America. Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Buying This Book Will Make Me Happy" and "Yay! Reading Is Fun!" (co-authored by SarahK). How can you say we are happy? None of my friends are happy and we is the smart ones! and we is the majority! How can you be happy when: The BushHitlerMcChimpy Regime is plotting to set up the dictatorship and put us in Camps! Global Warming, I mean, Climate Change, I mean Global cooling, is going to melt the glaciers, I mean, bring on a new ice age, increase, no, decrease, no increase the number of Huricaines! The religious right is plotting to keep me from exercising my constitutional right to have an abortion! So what if I AM male, I want my abortion! Mommy won't let John Edwards sleep over with me in the basement! Fred Thompson scares me! Ice weasels are infesting my nostrils! DOOM!! DESPAIR!!! AGONY!!!!!! Ooooh look a shiny shiny penny! HALIBURTON STOLE MY SHINY PENNY! Hail Chthulu, Monkey Faced Liberal #1 - Posted by: Monkey Faced Liberal on August 2, 2007 01:09 PMDarnit, now I'm not as happy as I was before, I want a burrito and there isn't a good burrito joint for like, almost a half-mile. And that one is owned by Ted Turner, hater of all things good and happy in America. On the plus side, it serves bison burritos, and that seems as if it should tick off some hippy somewhere. Very OT, but this is what I see in the red border at the top of the page I can only assume that it's some secret, Rovian code and I haven't received the new decoder ring. Could you decode that for me? #4 - Posted by: Veeshir on August 2, 2007 01:37 PMWould you say we have a plethora of happiness...? #5 - Posted by: AlanABQ on August 2, 2007 01:37 PMReading this editorial made me happy. America has so much happy that we can no longer contain it, so we have to export some. A whole slew of happiness. #6 - Posted by: Spyndrilleum on August 2, 2007 01:45 PMSecond-to-last paragraph is perfect example of why you are so funny. I am going to have a burrito for lunch. I'm already happy but a burrito will put me over the edge into full-on bliss. #7 - Posted by: Rachel Lucas on August 2, 2007 01:47 PMI ate chocolate chip cookies, which were invented in America! That must be why they make me so happy!!! #8 - Posted by: LearntoDrawaLine on August 2, 2007 01:54 PMVeeshir, What a relief to know someone else can see that also, I just assumed it was another flashback. #9 - Posted by: Brian The Adequate on August 2, 2007 02:00 PMChipotle = American Happiness in a freshly wrapped Tortilla. #10 - Posted by: DesertElephant on August 2, 2007 02:04 PMI think someone must've medicated Frank J. some time around lunch. #11 - Posted by: Luke on August 2, 2007 02:16 PMYou're definitely onto something here, Frank. Maybe we could send burritos to al-Qaeda (or however they're spelling it this week). Then they'll be happy and won't want to kill us anymore. We can test it first on, say, Al Gore and Hillary Clinton (or whatever surname she's using this week). If they stop nagging us and trying to confiscate my money, that will mean that they're happy. My employer makes me happy by having lunch brought in every day. Of course, in return, he chains me to my desk and makes me work while I'm eating. But that's okay on the days when lunch is a burrito. #12 - Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim on August 2, 2007 03:10 PMmmmm burritos. Reid was on tv a second ago but his walking skeleton lurch couldn't break my burrito bliss. #13 - Posted by: random m on August 2, 2007 06:13 PM"...a plague or a cease and desist letter..." Good thing I was on break when I LOL'd that line. Good stuff, Mr FrankJ! It just doesn't get any better than that. I just don't get how you've become so good at it at such a young age. And that was meant to be serious. #15 - Posted by: Brian the sailor on August 2, 2007 08:54 PMI think the phrase "ignorance is bliss" best fits Frank J's column above. It's all like "hooray we our free" and completely ignoring the fact that our children may die before we do from a tropical disease spread into the U.S. more easily because of global warming. Compared to this older happiness steamroller post Frank's wins because I liked the burrito part. Post a comment
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By Frank J."