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August 17, 2007
Petraeus Says He Will Propose Cutting Troops
BAGHDAD (AP) - The top American commander in Iraq said Wednesday he was preparing recommendations on cutting troops before he returns to Washington next month for a report to Congress. "The fact is," said Gen. David Petraeus, "there are simply too many troops in Iraq right now, and I have no choice but to recommend massive reductions in personnel. We simply have to be realistic." "Look at all the troops there," he said, "Iranians, Al Qaeda, local Shiite insurgent groups, and even some disgruntled Baathists. These bastards have to go, and soon."
"My plan is to reduce the foreign troop levels by shooting them, bombing them, or - if need be - even cutting the troops like a drunken Mexican with a razor blade. Truth be told, it doesn't matter HOW we take these suicidal Allah-worshipping sons of bitches out, but doing so will be my top recommendation to the President." When asked whether American troop levels will be cut, Petraeus responded by punching the enquiring reporter smack in the eye and then administering several vicious spleen-kicks to the journalist as he lay on the ground, screaming. After letting loose with a torrent of language that would make Howard Stern blush like a Catholic schoolgirl, the General elaborated further on his views. "You blasphemously ignorant suck-weasel! We've spent the last four and a half years sweating, bleeding, and dying in Iraq to keep ungrateful, traitorous malcontents like you safe from terrorists, and you've got the unmitigated gall to suggest that we cut and run instead of killing more of the enemy? Just exactly how far up your ass IS your head, anyway?" "You don't win wars by running away," explained Petraeus, "you win them by making your enemy dead. Dead! Dead! Dead!" "Hell, even a semi-hydroencephalitic Liberal Arts major like yourself should be able to figure THAT one out." After the mangled wreck of the reporter was carted off to an emergency room, the General concluded by clarifying his remarks. "So... no." 14 Responses To "Petraeus Says He Will Propose Cutting Troops"
There is a special move taught in Marine LINE and Army Combative martial arts expressly designed to crush the spirit of journalists. The reporter never had a chance. #1 - Posted by: the brain on August 17, 2007 02:27 PMBeautiful, Harvey, thanks. #2 - Posted by: Jimmy on August 17, 2007 02:34 PMOMG!! I know I'm new around here Harvey, but I think I'm in love!! ROFL!! p.s. yes, I'm a female! #3 - Posted by: Clintons Are White Trash on August 17, 2007 02:42 PMWhy is it that America has NEVER destroyed it's enemies? #4 - Posted by: Jimmy on August 17, 2007 02:43 PMDamn! I was starting to get a stiffy...and then I saw "news fakery"...not very nice!!! #5 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on August 17, 2007 03:18 PMMy god, cosmic kismet! Posts so similar they must be good! #6 - Posted by: NeoconNews on August 17, 2007 03:36 PMWhen asked whether American troop levels will be cut, Petraeus responded by punching the enquiring reporter smack in the eye and then administering several vicious spleen-kicks to the journalist as he lay on the ground, screaming. Sweet! Channelling Rumsfeld, no doubt. #7 - Posted by: blue jean preachin on August 17, 2007 04:14 PMThe photo caption has to actually be real, right Harv? I mean, it's just so accurate and truthish. #8 - Posted by: DesertElephant on August 17, 2007 04:15 PMPetraeus for President. Has a nice ring, doesn't it. #9 - Posted by: Katablog on August 17, 2007 05:44 PMNot to sound PC or anything, but you've insulted hydrocephalics. My nephew has hydrocephalus and he's extremely intelligent and is going to major in electrical or computer engineering when he goes to college and he plays a mean game of chess. Other than that, you were spot-on. #10 - Posted by: Fosterdad on August 17, 2007 10:52 PMSee? I told you FrnakJ allows Harvey to be funny once in a while. Wow, I think you just managed to make General Petraeus into the sexiest man on the planet, Harvey! Those are definitely the words to make a girl swoon. I totally agree with Clintons are White Trash on her assessment thereof! And since when was war about diplomacy, and not about killing as many of the enemy as it takes to make said enemy less of a threat than a litter of toothless, claw-less kittens? #12 - Posted by: Estella on August 18, 2007 11:52 AMI thought I was the only one to call people "suck-weasel"... #13 - Posted by: Trigger on August 18, 2007 12:30 PMIf only he really said and did that, I could add him to my list of liberal smashers. Jimmy, we never destroy our enemies for the sake of being "humanitarian". Also because we give non-citizens imaginary rights. Post a comment
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