Just when you thought I couldn't care less, here I come along and give you the answers you need.

Dr. Duck has weeks and weeks of training and he's glad to help the Lost Children Of IMAO find their way.

Below, please find the questions you asked along with the wise wisdom I have decided to share with you.

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Is it true that if Hillary Clinton bites you, you become just like her?
Posted by: RIck

Rick,
Yes, it’s true. If it happens, you’ll spend all your days sleeping and all your nights out doing fundraising. You’ll be repelled by smelly things like garlic and having people throw your own quotes back in your face. You’ll lie with the undead (aka the New York Times) and you’ll wish you were dead. On the other hand, William J sure knows how to party, so maybe it’s wouldn’t be all bad.

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Dear Dr. Duck,
I have a Relationship question. I was absent-mindedly wondering how I might score with the chick advertising the "I Survived Roe v Wade" T-shirt that I see every time I log onto this fine upstanding conservative blog, without potentially pissing off her boyfriend and/or husband, and suffering potentially life threatening injury? Any suggestions?

Nubikins, New Jersey
Posted by: Brian_Thorn

First, if the girl is pretty enough, no, there’s no limit to how low hip huggers can go. Although, if she wears them any lower, she’ll have to ditch the t-shirt for Roe V Wade and wear one for Stanley Steemer.

Woo hoo. Babe is hot.

Now, there is some debate as to which girl is hotter, her or the ATF chick. IMHO that’s like asking which is better. Chocolate cake or cheesecake? Hey (slaps you guys on the head). Cake is cake. So just shut up and fantasize about licking the icing.

Just remember to be careful otherwise you’ll be asking some pretty embarrassing questions later on.

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Does this look infected?
Posted by: FormerHostage

Yeah, like that one.

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Question:
If God love us, why does he let people like John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich, or Ron Paul exist?
Posted by: Sir Andrew

Sir Andrew,
Remember: All natural disasters (hurricanes, earthquakes, Edwards, Kucinich, Paul) are considered Acts of God. Sure, they can be awful cause cause a lot of pain, but they also make us appreciate all the things we DO have.

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How can I register to post comments at Michelle Malkin's website? I want to tell her that I was the brilliant mind behind here favorite haiku.
Posted by: CO of Fort Housewife

You can register, but keep in mind that she, like many of us big bloggers, don’t really read comments. She probably does what we do: Read every third word or so just to get the gist of it and then PRETEND you read the comments. This flatters the little people.

**

Well, then, CO, maybe Dr. Duck can get a real answer straight from the mouth of Malkin. And while he's at it, convince her to let you register. I tried once and it came back with, "We're sorry. The fingers you have used to type are too fat," or something like that.
#27 - Posted by: Jimmy

Funny, about the fat fingers. Personally, I used a little bobbing water bird to help me register. It’s also how I answer my questions for Ask Dr. Duck. It’s works well most of the time although it’s not always perfect t t t t t t t t t

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Dr. Duck, Sir,
When some tool sees my Slayer T-shirt then asks me if I saw the last Poison concert, exactly how hard should I punch his fruity face? Enough to leave a decent shiner, or so hard that I have to stand on his chest to pull my fist out of his face?
Posted by: PaleoMedic

Uh-huh. Well, Im sorry your dog Slayer ate poison fruit. Losing a pet is always difficult. (goodness it’s tough trying to appease all these little people)

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How do I get a job where I can sit on a couch drinking beer?

I let my children play with power tools. Is this okay?
Posted by: zdomain

Now you’re talking IMAO language. Thankfully, it’s easier to make money doing nothing when the Democrats are in charge. Don’t assume this to be easy, though. You might have to start your way at an entry level job. If you want to sit around drinking beer and doing nothing, then your first step might be an internship with Ted Kennedy. Then after that, you can work your way up to newspaper reporter, and maybe one day – if all goes well – internet blogger.

As far as letting them play with power tools, this can lead to a sad end. For example, when I was a little boy growing up in Mexico, one of my 15 brothers picked up a nail gun and it led to tragedy. On the plus side, it also led to the joke, “What’s red and hangs on the wall.” Although it wasn’t as funny a week later.

(Disclosure: Understanding this joke requires extensive knowledge of the 4th grade required reading textbook – Truly Gross Jokes.)

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My wife is mad at me because I ate chocolate, which always keeps me awake at night. So my question is, should I buy the Milwaukee or DeWalt cordless drill?
Socrates

When answering a question by Socrates, I prefer to use the Blackndecker Method.

The answer is obvious: The Milwaukee is low in fat and has zero preservatives. I would go with a DeWalt Nail Gun.

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Dr. Duck,
My question is this; if my teenaged offspring taunts me for being shorter than she is, would the best response be a solid forearm to the throat, or an awesome Chuck Norris style round-house to the back of the head?
Posted by: shimauma

Dr. Duck crouches down to talk to shimauma.

Ooooh. Itty bity. Wooky bookums. Aren’t you just the cutest thing?

Shoobie woobie woobie!

Does your mommy have a question for me?

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Mr. Duck, how many questions does it take to get some answers? Don't you think there are too many patiently waiting here? And why can't I make any declarative statements? Why are so many journalists so unqualified for their jobs? And why did Jim Cramer yell, "They know NOTHING!" and then the stock market went up? Why is the water blue when the sun is out? And.... [thunk?]
Posted by: Jimmy

Ducky sounding like a Soap Opera Announcer. “Will Jimmy find his point? What the hell is he talking about? Will the others at IMAO tolerate this chicanery? What exactly IS chicanery? Couldn’t we go back to banning commenters, or if possible – having them caned? Tune in next week…”

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Are there cavemen in heaven?

Posted by: Ewok Stomper

Yes, Ewok, there are cavemen heaven.

They stand on little stone clouds and bang on harps with their big clubs. I think God gave them a free pass for not knowing about Jesus and for helping us save 20% on our car insurance.

Why do we slice pizza?

It gives the Italians something safe to do with knives.

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Dear Dr. Duck
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if that woodchuck was Chuck Norris?
What about if there were some anti-woodchucking ninja/hippies/watermelons (green on the outside, pink within) that were interfering with his "woodchucking" does this change the equation at all?
Posted by: martin_luther

Well, it USED to be that a wood chuck would chuck wood if he was Chuck Norris. But all of that repetition was boring, so he got a Total Gym 3000 and now he does wood chucking in less time while working out his whole body.

As far as interference with woodchucking, no that’s not a problem. In fact, if you call now, you can get your Total Gym and they’ll knock off one monthly payment!

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Why is it still cool to walk around in public with half your undershorts showing?
Why do people laugh when I do it?
Posted by: will.see

I’m over 30 so I don’t understand what is cool or not anymore. Are people laughing at you when you walk around with half your undershorts showing? Maybe you’re showing the wrong half?

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Dear Dr. Duck,
Why does it hurt when I pee?
Posted by: Mark

Sounds like you’re feeling down. Let me share a cheer with you that I learned while in High School.

Rah Rah Reep
(clap clap clap)
Rah Rah Rap
(clap clap clap)
I
Think
Mark
has
got
the
(clap clap clap)

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If Michael Vick does 18 months in prison, what is the over and under for how many times he will be anally raped before he gets out?
Posted by: ussjimmycarter

Are you asking me for the over and under on the in and out?

Hopefully, he’ll be a good prison fighter. If not, then I’m sure we can have him hanged or electrocuted.

Go Vick! Here’s a cheer for you!

Rah Rah Reep
Rah Rah Rap…

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Dear Duck,
When I have to take a dump, I have taken to telling everyone "I have to take a Hillary" Is this in bad taste?
Posted by: ussjimmycarter

Let’s not talk body functions before breakfast. It makes me want to JohnEdwards.

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That’s it. I’m only one Doctor and I have only so much advice to give. Remember, if I didn’t’ answer your question, you should try giving me funnier setups!

Tune in next week and watch me dispense some more tender, loving, care. Loving and caring is what I do best.

Oh, man. Does this look infected?

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