No, Obama, I will NOT excuse as you whip that out.

John Edwards recounts his latest visit to the proctologist.

Whooo-ee! One more time?

"And then he shoved his finger way up there and..."

"When I'm calling YOOOOOOOOOOOOO,HOOO-OOHOOOOOOOO..."

"Oh I know that you're not talking to me, sister. You ain't all that."

Like a moth to a flame, John Edwards was irresistibly drawn to the microphone. That wonderful shape drew tantalizingly closer and...

John Edwards displayed shock when someone asked if he ever wore white after Labor Day.

"Oooooh, you go, girl"

John Edwards was delightfully surprised when the Chippendale dances arrived.

"...So I says to him, I says 'Hey Doc, how can you give me a proper proctology exam when both your hands are on my shoulders.?' And then it dawns on me! That was 5 years ago & I haven't looked back... if ya know what I mean..."

Wow, is that a bannana in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

At a meeting of NOW: "Watch closely, ladies. I'll only show you how to do this 10 or 12 times..."

"Wow Hillary, yours is bigger than mine."

"When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be."

Now, to put it on him *without* using your hands, hold it against the back of your teeth with the tip facing in...

Whatchoo talkin bout Willis?

John Edwards chastises the waiter for not bringing him an olive fork & a pate' knife. After all, how else is he going to eat with those other big ol' heavy utensils, anyway?

No, it was the Goooo-Aaaah-Ooooh-ld !

ALWAYS wash your finger AFTER using Preparation-H.

Wow, Hillary, that tickles. Can I pitch next time, please?

"No no no! More bend less snap. Golly, do I have to demonstrate again? ..Oh if you insist.....was Barack watching?!"

"Dennis Koooooocinich said he saw them, up there."

"Oooh! Is that a wide stance?"

"There's a shoe sale on? I need a new pair of heels - in pink."

On being asked if he could smell his own fecal material: "I myself cannot. You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes you wear L'Air du Temps, but not today."

On being asked what his wedding night was like: "And so I rubbed the lotion on my skin. I did this whenever I was told."

On being told that Obama wasn't leaving the race, even though Hillary wants him to: "Too bad. She said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak."

On being asked to restate what he said to Kucinich as they were leaving the stage after the last debate: "I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him, he's mine!"

And the follow up question was 'Was that appropriate language?': "I'm really really sorry. I apologize unreservedly."

John was too stunned to speak when SarahK yelled out: "To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep who could outwit you! I've worn dresses with higher IQs! But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?"

On being asked if Hillary was indeed a witch, as was proposed on SNL the other night: "Well, she turned me into a newt! I got better."

"Look at the butt on that one!"
"Yeah, he must work out!"

...and when I whistle this note, the Great Dane comes running. He's a lot of fun, but harder to manage than the poodle. The muzzle helps keep anyone from getting seriously hurt. Of course, everyone is wearing protection.

http://www.manicmoose.com/movies/edwardspucker.mov

John Edwards demonstrates his determination to earn each and every vote.

Are you using your middle finger down there? That one always goes in too fareeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Does it make me look butch to blame the joooooooooooooooossssss......

"Oh, no you di'n't!"

John Edwards believes nothing bad can happen if he just keeps whistling past the campaign graveyard.

Ooooooh... Is that how you wear a thong?

Edwards gives a speech to the cadets at the metropolitan police academy.

Never mind what he's saying..... where's his other hand?

"Let me say that again. This time I'll try to pronounce the umlaut correctly. "Uber" means "over" your partner.

Oooh....Senator Craig is under the podium....

Wishing to garner EVERY vote at ANY cost, John Edwards goes on to explain that he didn't get his round mouth from eating square meals.

i've got nice arms and a high, tight ass! why won't larry craig go for me?!

(the old grapefruit juice commercial for ocean spray)

i know it's good for you, but (pucker).

"I'm warnin' you. Imply I'm a faggot one more time and I'll shove this finger where the sun ... in your eye."

you choo choo choose me? oh boy!!

Seconds after releasing what he thought was simple flatulence, Senator Edwards realizes it wasn't...

*tosses out High Praise! to Silicon Valley Jim's "wide stance" comment*

Johnny made a bet with a friend of his. As it turns out, leprichauns ARE real after all...